When the smoke goes out

Nothing solid and lasting cannot be built on the shaky foundation.

I witnessed my life falling apart before my very own eyes this summer. I witnessed all of the illusions I nurtured so diligently crashing down and dissipating into thin air. I got scared, discouraged and confused. Suddenly all of the structure I was holding myself onto proved to be false and I found myself floating above the ground, directionless, clueless and uncertain of a single thing.

I also developed resistance to writing this blog. Somewhere along those hot summer days, I lost my initial vision for the blog and the fear of others’s perceptions and opinions grabbed me from behind while I wasn’t looking and even though I fought it and pushed through few posts that were begging to be written (somebody out there badly needed to read them), I finally surrendered and made a conscious decision to not publish any of my writings until I feel calm and grounded again. How could I ever help anyone if I myself feel like a wreck? How can I offer clarity and hope to another if I’m not able to see further than my own fingertips at the time?

Although I deeply trust that “our mess is our message” and that the struggles we encounter on our path are our greatest lessons, often meant to show us the way and asking us to share them with others, there’s something to be said about respecting the time it takes for the lesson/experience to ripen before it can be put out there under the magnifying glass, analysed and dissected in order to be used in service of the collective.

From personal experience I can tell you there’s an immense difference between vulnerability and courage needed to step fully into it so that we can share what we feel insecure and unproud of (usually guided by the desire to serve by our example, connect with others, offer hope and encouragement and allow the illusional barriers between our individual selves to dissolve) and premature sharing that can come under the disguise of those same motivations, but can never really accomplish them as it comes from a hot, steaming place - from a low vibrational point as it is an unloving and punishing act towards oneself and it cannot become anything else. 

At times, as well, we unconsciously look for compassion, pity or some kind of “acknowledgment” of our pain from others - but it never results as we secretly hope it would. Nothing and no one external to yourself can offer you that and you’ll just get disappointed with your subconscious expectations crushed in a blink of an eye, probably even prolonging the time of healing and integration.

So, let your wounds dry out before you expose them.

Stay in your grief and feel the storm, but wait until later to describe us its power and colours.

We cannot serve anyone before we are in full service of our Inner Being, before we fully respect and honour ourselves. We cannot teach anything that is not fully embodied within us and if we try to, people will instantly feel the lack of authenticity and run the other way.

When the smoke goes out, the picture will be clearer and in the meantime you’ll gain the necessary distance from the experience so you can share it from the place of vulnerability, BUT without being attached to it as you were at the point just after it happened. You will certainly remain with some cords and feelings connected to the experience, but time and proper tending to the wound will provide you with the possibility to detach from it so you can slip out of the victim role and make the best use of the event through integrating its lessons yourself and sharing it with others for the greatest benefit of all.

Lots of love,

Maja