I grew up in the family where suppressing and ignoring was well-known and accepted pattern of behaviour transmitted through generations. As if not putting it out, not giving it a palpable form would make it less real or even inexistent.
I tried very hard to follow their ways, believing that “that’s how you gotta live”, put on your best mask, pretend everything is perfect, make them jealous and if you really really come to the edge, wait till getting home, lock yourself in the bathroom and cry there, out of the sight, so no one could see you and, god forbid, discover that, after all, you’re human as well and not as strong and untouchable as you made them think you were.
And, in case someone notices you just had an emotional meltdown, blame it on PMS as it’s less shameful to put it down on biology and our imperfect bodies than admit that you have emotions and that sometimes they need to come out, or in other words - that you are a pussy.
I had many deep-rooted beliefs about emotions and expressing the same. Always throughout my life labeled as overly sensitive, I got into the belief that it was true and went on with my days feeling really ashamed of that trait. Don’t know if it was true or not and nowadays, actually, I don’t believe in putting anyone in such sharp-shaped boxes as we’re such fluid and ever-expending beings. However, I think most of what seemed/seems as the hyper-sensitivity in myself was a continuous cycle of suppression, ignoring, faking being that strong bitch that doesn’t care about anything or anyone and then falling into the other extreme when there’s simply no more space under the carpet to stuff down all the shit I didn’t/don’t want to deal with and exploding, crying, screaming, having panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, desires to isolate myself from everyone etc.
I heard it and you surely did as well, how giving a voice to our darkness, being it in auditive, visual or some other form, allows us to alleviate its burden, put it in perspective and better yet, if we involve some other human consciousness to assist the release, it can make us more alone in our pain, it can open up that crack in the wall to finally let some rays of light in.
But, man, it’s hard.
I’ve been working on my vulnerability and opening up about shit I went through mostly with my therapist, but there were still parts inside of me, covered with thick layer of shame and self-deprecation that I couldn’t manage to get out. Not to talk about my friends and people that surround me on the daily basis. As much as I adore them, there are boundaries, there are limits that we (or maybe it’s just my case) are not willing to cross in fear of losing them, or maybe even worse, having them change their opinion about us and start acting in different way. No one loves being pitied.
The big release I needed more than I could have ever guessed happened this summer when I got away from my “normal environment” and went to volunteer on Yoga and Meditation Center in a village in Algarve, Portugal.
Waking up early to hop right away on a yoga mat for a morning session, days filled up with pretty physically-demanding tasks made even more so under the 40 degrees and constant burning sun and 1-hour-long active group meditations in the evening had their effect on me.
And people. People everywhere and constantly around me. At the beginning I thought I would go crazy. I am not used to have a company 24/7 and I craved my periods of solitude.
As much as I hated it in the very beginning - oh, man, it was exactly what I needed!
I cracked up first time while painting the driveway and chatting with Luke. The topic was banal but the tears that came up weren’t some fresh thing, they were coming up from some deep deep dark place, abandoned long time ago and avoided for all these years.
Even if I try, I can’t count how many times I cried on the Quinta - it surprised me as well. What surprised me even more, or maybe not, is how much I opened up, how much shit I just laid down in front of people I knew for no more than couple of weeks or so and they responded with such a loving presence, giving me the space to release and start healing. I am immensely thankful to all of them and I guess I needed the situation I got myself into, with people that I most likely won’t see again and therefore I was less concerned about them judging or blaming me for being who I am and who I was.
I love them all and I learned so many valuable lessons from each one of them in their own unique way. Even though back in normal, cold, emotionless world once again, I am trying to keep a scent of that openness, liberation and magic remain in my day-to-day life... and remember that voicing it and letting others in really makes a big difference on our path to healing.
Thank you Julie, Luke, Sebastiaan, Fabio, Claudio, Chris, Merilin, Kristóf and others for making this summer such a big learning and transformational experience <3
Love ya all, bitchezz