This week has been so intense and emotional.
I feel full and I want to cry, but not out of sadness or sorrow. I am filled with that deep, deep gratitude, amazement and faith that wash over you when things start to make sense, when you start to notice patterns in the midst of chaos and you just know how everything’s gonna be alright and that things are really happening in your favor.
Every. Single. Time.
I’ve been putting off making certain decisions past few weeks, not out of fear or laziness, but simply because I felt within me that the timing wasn’t right. Wait. It is coming. Have faith. Surrender. I surrendered and love and manifestations I wouldn’t ever have imagined started to pour into my life leaving me soaked up in tears of appreciation and gratitude every single day of this week.
Interestingly, in the middle of that amazement and gratitude I noticed some old shadows reawakening and creeping out as well. Am I good enough? Do I deserve this?
Isn’t that funny and kind of sad at the same time? That even with all the physical evidence, with all these beautiful stuff making their way into my life for a reason, I still don’t feel it completely? As in I felt like the gift was delivered to the wrong door and it is just the question of days when the postman will realize the mistake and knock on my door to pick it back up.
There is a fear and unworthiness wound, a deep-rooted belief that I don’t deserve good stuff happening to me and I can mentally contradict and challenge that belief by listing all the evidence of millions of good things that already happened to me in the past, but that sense of “getting by”, “getting lucky” for a time or two, followed by this low-vibe feeling of undeserving remains.
I am glad, though, that I got to see this clearly for what it is and instead of running away from it, hiding and sabotaging the joy that I am experiencing, the love that dances in every cell of my body, I can stay present with this shadow, let it guide me to its roots and gradually heal my perception. Very common obstacle to attracting what we desire into our time-space reality is that deep-seated belief of being unworthy and undeserving of actually getting what we want - so we end up resisting it on vibrational level or getting close to manifesting it, but then the wound gets triggered and reactivated and we sabotage ourselves and push away the manifestation.
Also, this week I started sharing these posts on Facebook and Instagram and woke up with major vulnerability hangover the day after, when realizing who and who can now read this emotional vomit, how I put myself in danger, how now they’ll all know how unstable I am if they didn’t figure it out before etc. etc. Lots of bullshit, basically. Lots of Ego-created fear of being “discovered”, judged, ridiculed, left alone and... I don’t even know.
Then I had to remind myself of my WHY and the bigger picture I had in my heart and soul when making the decision to share these blogposts on social media and that is to give hope, safe and loving space and that “me too” moment to all those who need it. If I can help or comfort or make feel less alone at least one person on this planet, then my mission was successful.
I believe that this urge and necessity to share my emotions, thoughts, pains, struggles and fears exists because there is someone out there who needs to hear these words. I truly and deeply believe that. I know it.
If your soul’s calling you to do something, it is because there’s someone who’d benefit of you doing so. Stay aware of that.
It is not about me, my reputation, this illusory identity of mine and all the stories that come along (that I sometimes confuse with my True Self). It is not about you, either. It is about us. You and me and he and she... And about all of us realizing we are the same and there is no distinction nor separation outside of the distorted perception of our minds fueled by the Ego’s fear.
Love you all.