I’ve been wanting to write a post during this winter break, but was kind of delaying it day by day, facing some crazy amounts of resistance to do it.
But here I am. Not feeling like doing it, but getting it out of the way however.
The last time I wrote here I mentioned the struggles I’ve been going through past months and I guess that the resistance that showed up every time I sat down to write something, whether it was here or in my diary, had something to do with the fear that washes over me every time I get to sit in silence, look inside myself and pour out all the clutter that accumulated there.
I don’t want to sound all dark and gloomy as I was feeling better since Uni ended and even though it wasn’t all flowers and unicorns, I showed up constantly, fighting those messy thoughts and succeeding to catch a glimpse of light every now an then.
I spent Christmas and days around it with my family in Split and it went quite well, to be honest. I decided to breathe in deeply every time I got triggered and think twice before reacting. Because, the truth is - they are not that bad at all, sometimes things they say trigger me so badly, but when I analyze it afterwards, I usually realize that the very same comment said by someone else wouldn’t get me all in flames as it does when it comes from the mouth of my parents or some other close relative. It is amazing and creepy at the same time how reactive we become around our closest.
However, I am slowly learning to recognize the strange ways that my parents are revealing their love and care to me... and I am so happy and grateful about it, because it took me a long time to learn that they really do love me, even though they struggle to show it in ways that I’d understand it... I guess I love them as well more than I would ever admit.
After Split, I went to Italy for a week and spent a lovely week in Venice, relaxing with my boyfriend, walking, drinking coffee, watching movies and preparing some new vegan recipes together. It was exactly what I needed in order to recharge before the final part of the semester and exam session.
Now I am back. I am doing some Uni stuff, meditating and generally dedicating some time to be with myself, to take care of the person that I can be so evil and cruel with... I am learning... I am learning with every new day and this year, 2017, above those few pretty straight forward goals I set to myself, the most important resolution is to learn to love and appreciate myself, to fill up my tank with love so I can be of better service to others and the world.