It took time for me to fully grasp and integrate the idea that we choose our parents before incarnating into this physical plane, in the way which would allow us to learn the best those lessons we intended to learn during this particular lifetime.
Once I understood it completely, or maybe it’d be better to say: once my soul remembered the contract we made before coming to the Earth - everything started to make more sense and the pain and wounds I carry from those primary relationships and all the way from my childhood, gained more meaningful form.
They say we need to understand and accept that our parents are human too and by the quality of being so, they make mistakes too, but not so from the place of cruelty or evilness, but rather from their own past conditioning or simply ‘cause of the ignorance. When we manage to take off the veil of “divinity” and “all-knowingness” we wrapped around our primal caretakers, seeing them since arriving to this time-space reality as the source of ultimate knowledge, love and power - we can start to look at them in a new light. We can see their humanness and the child of light hidden in those adult bodies. We can feel them closer then before and understand better why they did what they did, discovering the new softness that has been applied to our perception of what we previously labeled as “mistakes” and blamed them for.
I agree with all of that and it is the absolute truth that both your and my parents did their very best from their point of view at the particular moment in time, as hard as it sometimes may be to see it that way. It is also true that reaching the place of forgiveness and the liberation from the burden of blame that dims our own magic long after we leave our childhood years and step into the adulthood ourselves sets us free in a beautiful way, there’s a part of the puzzle that can easily pass unnoticed or denied and consequentially keep us imprisoned emotionally, even when on conscious level we feel we forgave everything.
The fact that our parents did the best they knew at the time and should be forgiven for the “missteps” they took DOES NOT MEAN we should negate, bypass or deny the emotional pain and wounds that their well-intentioned, but hurtful behaviour, words and comments inflicted upon us.
How to separate the two? How to tend to our own wounds without falling into the blaming cycle?
I believe we cannot do the two at the same time. If we are trying to heal those broken and dark parts of ourselves and at the same time we are giving away our power through blaming someone else for the state we are in - we are left feeling “uncapable” and powerless to soothe our pain as we passed all the responsibility to those who hurt us in the first place.
It is only through taking our power back and yes - acknowledging the source of the pain or certain behavioural pattern that doesn’t serve our Higher Good, but not passing it the responsibility to “clean the mess”, that we can truly heal those wounds. The work is upon us.
We all have childhood traumas. By “traumas” I don’t mean all of us have been beaten or tortured in violent ways - it could be random comments, words and acts that triggered a traumatic response within our younger selves when we weren’t mature and emotionally experienced enough to process those events in a healthy way.
It is parents’ responsibility to take care of the emotional and psychological wellbeing of a child, but once we reach the adult age - it is upon us to go through the process of forgiveness and letting go and then dive within and find the ways to help that scared, wounded child that still exists inside.
My opinion is that we ALL need to do the work - no exceptions - if we want to be more conscious and aware adults that act out of love and compassion and not out of their very own unhealed childhood traumas. And, let’s be honest, we see lot of that around - lonely and wounded children stuck in adult bodies screaming to be saved and attended to. We have to stay aware and do the work on the individual level and the collective will reflect that in no time as a consequence of our own dedicated inner-work.
I, myself, am on this journey right now even though I thought I was done with it and that I let go and resolved all that was sucking my Life-Force from beneath. The truth is that I understood it all on a rational level and managed to access the place of compassion and understanding for my parents and decisions they took, but I never really looked at my wounds. And they are still there, begging for my attention as it is only me who can and should attend to that terrified, broken little girl that shivers within.