It’s been one year since I moved to Portugal.
Along with last weeks of this academic year I was called to review it all, look back and face all the emotions, failed expectations and basically everything that took place during last 12 months, and not so in terms of events, accomplishments and external changes in my life, but above all internally.
Two years ago I walked my first Camino de Santiago, which is a spiritual pilgrimage that ends in the Spanish city of Santiago de Compostela. We chose to do the Portuguese Way that goes along the coast of Northern Portugal, starting in the city of Porto. As I stepped my foot in that city, I felt such an intense call to come back, to dig deeper into that place and to move there for a while. There was something pulling me strongly to that city on the vibrational level and I couldn't quite find the words to explain it. I traveled a lot and saw many beautiful places, but this wasn’t merely about the scenery and beauty. Somewhere between the steep streets of the Lower Town, cold Ocean water and the view of the seagulls flying over the Douro river were hidden the lessons that my soul was finally ready to dive into.
I didn’t know that at the time, but I couldn’t ignore the call so I moved here, found a faculty where I’d continue my studies and met the boyfriend while I was still in Croatia, who happened to live nearby (talking about synchronicities). I made the decision and the Universe arranged all of the details to support me in that, so there was no doubt it was the place I was meant to be this year.
However, learning new lessons is often tough and it may require forgetting all we knew up until then. It may require burning all of our beliefs, taking the ground underneath our feet so that we can discover a more fertile ground to step on that will serve us better during the next stage of our evolvement. And it takes courage. And faith. Looots of faith.
I had expectations coming here and as the time was passing, I had to come to terms that all of them can go to thrash as I didn’t come here to live comfortably, to indulge in the external layer of this human experience, or to continue to bypass my bullshit, numbing myself out with “healthy&positive” stuff, which was what I did for last 3 years, after I gave up alcohol and drugs to soothe my internal pain.
I realized there is no difference - numbing, bypassing and distractions are always just that, no matter which substance we use to obtain them. It is obviously “bad” to drink ourselves to oblivion, overindulge in food and toxic relationships or harm or bodies in any other way, but running away from the internal discomfort by reading, working out every day or filling our to-do lists to the fullest is also damaging if we use it as a tool to avoid what’s cooking within us. I am not condemning any of this actions and tools - reading is great, drinking glass of wine as well, working out is an amazing way to get our energies moving and clean our heads - but the intention behind it is what counts.
I found comfort in my routine, in my environment, in my daily dose of medication for depression and anxiety, in people I know and safety that all of that was providing to me. I was stagnating, going in circles and not growing.
What I realized recently is how damn little I trusted myself for the last couple of years. I made some decisions during my teenage years that I labelled as “bad” as they brought pain and disappointment to my closest, so I unconsciously decided that I was simply incapable to make good decisions for myself and even though the internal screams were sometimes almost deafening, I had immense fear of acting upon them, of taking the leap before I overchewed it 100 times with my therapist and each one of my friends. I don’t think asking for advice and opinion is intrinsically wrong, but I took it to the extreme, giving all of my power to others and rejecting to take the responsibility over my life and the reality I live in - whatever it may bring up.
I don’t have the conclusion for this post. I am still processing and reflecting upon everything that went down in last couple of months, which has been fairly difficult with the final exams and projects for my faculty and I am quite exhausted on all levels.
But I am also grateful. Deeply, deeply grateful for this cleansing period that pushed me back to level one just when I started to feel I was “above it”, that I knew it all.
I don’t know shit and I am fine with that at the moment. I don’t know where I am going, I don’t know what will happen, I am curious, but no longer fearful - ‘cause I know that it all comes in Divine timing and order.
Thank you for all the tears and sleepless nights.
Thank you for aimless walks in the middle of the night and days when I thought I was out of forces, but the next moment I found a new well within me.
Thank you for waking me up to my internal power.