I’ve always seen myself as someone who likes changes.
Actually, I believed I thrived from them, craved them, couldn’t handle standing in the same place for too long, always having this deep urge to move, explore, transform, bring new into my life and shed old, get rid of all that stale stuff that wore off and lost their shine with the passing of time.
Recently I realized that it’s not true.
As someone who has tendency to control, who finds shelter in the illusory sense of ‘having control’ over anything and everything, who uses that same control as the anchor to ground themselves when things seem to be floating too high in the air and there’s no firm ground they can rest upon - I found that I do love changes and very much so but ONLY if I make them, only if it is myself that makes a conscious decision to do something, to introduce a change into my life on my terms and according to my schedule.
Even though I said that ‘control’ doesn’t exist other than as a mind-construct that we run to for a hit of false safety, I realized I like changes only if I am ‘in control’ over the pace and conditions in which they occur.
When they come suddenly and without notice, I can feel the solidity of the ground beneath my feet melting, my chest contracting and waves of anger, frustration and fear overflowing my whole body. I get so angry. Angry at the Universe, angry at myself for not having predicted what was about to happen and for not being able to keep my calm, let go of the rigidity my personality has tendency to cling on and simply flow... Flow, adapt and dance with the change.
I started to analyse and reflect upon my relationship with change, primarily upon my attitudes toward the changes within my emotional body - that has always, but even more so during the recent months as I stopped taking my antidepressant medication, been very unstable, very temporary in its states and everflowing - changing its shape, colour and direction from minute to minute. I wondered if my anger and frustration were connected solely to the changes in my internal world or they got triggered with the external, natural changes that I have no control over whatsoever, as well.
Summer period in Portugal can be tricky and for the last few weeks days were going from extremely hot to dark, cold and gloomy, sometimes passing the entire spectrum of sun, rain, hot, cold, wet, dry and windy - all in just one day. I’d enjoy a warm, sunny morning, making plans for passing the afternoon sunbathing on the beach when suddenly thick clouds would appear out of nowhere and in no time I needed a warm blanket to keep myself from shivering and catching a cold in the midst of July. I noticed how frustrated it was making me, how angry I’d get with weather, as if it was someone’s fault, as if there was a way to control it or prevent rain from falling and wind from blowing.
I noticed how much I started to complain, how much resistance I cultivated within my body and mind for this simple natural flow of changes that happens everywhere since the beginning of time. Why can’t I accept and flow with these natural changes? Why do I need to get angry and make myself suffer through resistance instead of learning how to adapt, how to flow, how to surf the ever-transforming shapes of this Universe?
With that newly gained awareness of self-provoked suffering through resistance to the natural flow of life and changes, I decided to teach myself to dance with it, to stay open and see beneath that resistance - look into the eye of the fear that comes from the belief that if I am not “in control”, if I don’t see the change before it actually steps into my reality - I am not safe.
Consciously practicing softening my body and mind through breath at first signs of stiffness climbing up my spine - I decided to broaden my vision and see if I can apply the same principles to my emotional states. What would happen if I looked at my feelings the same way I look at the weather? If I accepted that they change from moment to moment, that I can flow from excitement to sadness, from bitterness to happiness, from feeling connected to feeling isolated and lonely in a split of a second? What if I stopped resisting that flow and actually accepted it as it was? What if I surrendered to the dance, softened my body and learned the movements instead of staying stiff and tense in the corner, trying to remain firm in the place, while strong winds are blowing from all the directions, pushing me to the left at one moment and to the right the next one?
I have been a highly sensitive and emotional person my whole life and through believing it was wrong and inconvenient - I grew extremely resistant to that strong flow of feminine energy within me. I tried to push myself into the box, control the waves by neglecting all the expressions of my internal weather.
I tried to artificially create tropical climate inside of me, with no rain or clouds, turning the blind eye to the fact that I am not that and that there’s beauty even in places where weather shifts and transforms from one moment to another.
Now I see that I am the storm and the rain
Burning sunrays and painfully cold wind
that was forcefully put
into tiny metal box
I am removing my hands from the box, releasing the force and the strength to keep it tightly closed... and I watch the Ocean getting free, dancing in its expressive beauty and unpredictability.
And I am accepting that not everyone likes the Ocean.
Some people even hate it.
But that is no more good enough reason for me
to try to fit into a tiny metal box.