Last week I visited my hometown in Croatia to spend some time with my family during Eastern holidays.
As always, I made a conscious decision to do everything within my power to stay calm, grounded, not skip on my self-care practices and don’t get triggered by petty stuff that thrive in family environments. And, as always, I was completely unsuccessful in all of that.
However, I am grateful and I am not beating myself up for it. It is what it is and how it should be. When you think you are completely healed and nothing can get to you and mess your inner peace, just go spend some time with your family.
Few years ago I would have been asking “why? why that family? why that town? why all those painful experiences?’, but knowing what I know today - it is all so perfectly aligned with my mission and purpose on this Earth. As much as I get triggered by certain people in my family - they are there and behaving in that way in order for me to open my eyes for the parts that still need healing and care. I can hate my hometown, its sluggish, dirty energy, all the memories condensed in its streets and benches that I would rather forget - but my soul had a reason why it chose that channel to come into this time-space reality. That doesn’t mean I should stay there forever - I moved away as soon as I could, but rather that the years I spent there were serving me, all the pain that town, its people and energy caused me was for a reason. They cracked me up so I can dive into the deepest and darkest parts of myself, learn something and bring that knowledge and wisdom to the others and help them and light up their path to the Truth of who they really are.
I feel as every time I go there, I pass through this intense emotional cleanse that peels me layer by layer - it hurts, I cried a fucking LOT this time around, but I feel released. I feel I needed it. Illusions stepped up for what they are and I am more ready than ever to accept the truth and stop masking it. Stop licking the sugar-coat that I spilled all over the pain to cover it, to make myself feel more normal, less pathetic, more “as I should be”.
The thing I did this time and was soooo damn releasing and liberating, was throwing away all the photos I had on my wall from my teenage days. I have (had) all of the walls in my room covered with photographs, quotes, random words and phrases I was adding during the years, each one connected to some situation and event I went through during my adolescence years. As much as it may seem like a beautiful reminder of the past, a nice way to travel through time and remember stuff I started to forget - it was causing me lot of anxiety and pressure, without me even being completely aware of it.
Those were photos of me with friends, parties, birthdays, trips, travels...smiling, happy, young, wonderful... whatever. It was none of that. You see me smiling and at first glance you’d think I was happy in that particular situation, but I know the story and exact emotion behind every and each one of those photos. I remember how I felt that and that day, how self-conscious I was, how much I cried and cut myself before covering my face and arms with all that make up, hiding myself behind the mask and drinking ‘till I forgot who was the person behind the mask. I can see through my forced smile and grimaces, I can see insecurity, I can see pain, I can see self-loathing, feeding and basing my self-worth upon the number of guys I hooked up with on that particular night.
I took it all off and it felt so good.
I know we cannot delete or disown our past - I don’t hate it, I accepted it and I am infintely grateful for all the beautiful opportunities for growth it gave me. But I don’t wanna be attached to it no more. I don’t wanna try to represent it for something it never was.
You have all the answers, my friends. Just listen.