Since I was a child, I remember those questions coming to me, seemingly out of nowhere and unrelated to anything that was happening around me...
Why am I - I?
How it is to be someone else?
There was something that was bothering me about those questions, but I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. I’d watch myself in the mirror and repeat: “you see, that is you! THAT is you!”...but I couldn’t recognize that girl in the mirror as me, I couldn’t even recognize my voice as mine... It sounded so alien and strange. I was witnessing all of it - but still, it definitely didn’t feel like me.
I remember having every now and then this strange experiences that I couldn’t quite well explain to others nor I was willing to, because they’d think I’m losing my mind... I’d feel those moments of expansion, like my consciousness is rising above me and entering other pairs of eyes, other perspectives... I’d clearly see from others’ point of view, not merely visually, but emotions, beings, essence... It was as if someone had given me 10 pairs of glasses that each one of them distort and filter “reality” in their own unique way, and I’d be switching them fast, gaining this vaster perspective of situation.
Those experiences wouldn’t last long, I guess 20-30 seconds, but they were always intense and often leaving me scared and ungrounded - it’d feel as my sense of individuality is somehow shattered. Like there is no real “me” - like I am holding onto some artificially produced plastic glasses that have my name written on them so I somehow started to believe that they are me - that I am them.
It is really hard to put into the words those occurrences... but the reason I remembered them now is because I’ve been on this spiritual journey- learning, opening and shedding the layers of what I believed I am. Many spiritual books talk about Oneness, about all of us being part of the same - like drops of an ocean. We are not separate entities, but part of the one - the same energy expressed in different physical forms. Always when I read on that topic, I feel this deep, deep peace and understanding - like a very firm kind of inner knowing.
And now I remembered why and I can finally get an explanation to all of those strange things I was experiencing while I was younger.
It was that soul-sweet sense of Oneness, of belonging to God, to Universe... the fear of losing the carefully constructed image that aour Ego holds of ourselves and merging into the Source, feeling the vibration and infinite circulation of the divine energy and that undeniable connection to all there is.
Lots of love,