I haven’t been posting in a while, because, honestly, I haven’t been well. I was feeling kind of low and anxious for last couple of weeks and during the last few days it escalated to two really rough panic-attacks that disturbed me so much ‘cause I haven’t having those in quite a long time...
I withdrawn a bit, trying to get myself together again and regain balance. I know that I always put so much pressure on myself and often value my essential worth as a human being due to the amount of things I get done in a day, and even though it may seem like a good characteristic, like “she’s so ambitious and disciplined and whatnot”, it isn’t. Not at all. I have to work hard on this as it tend to activate some pretty hateful parts of myself and gets me into the cycle of self-loathing and feeling like a complete failure.
I want to tap into that place of knowing that I am fine and good enough just by existing, that I don’t have to do anything to be worth of love, attention or valuable in any sense. Getting stuff done and striving to be better is just an extra. I want you to all know that, if you’ve been dealing with similar mind-patterns and emotions.
You are enough just as you are. Just by being and expressing your self in this human form.
Usually when panic-attacks hit me, it means that I am getting myself overwhelmed by planning too much, overobsessing and thinking about the future. And... I have to admit, I’ve been doing a lot of these lately. I have packed schedule and billion assignments and I easily slip into thinking too much about it and getting stressed before even getting myself to work and consequentially reducing the quality of my end results as I am too tense and unable to focus as well as I usually am.
So, I plan. I have to do it to be able to function and not forget stuff, but I try to focus just on one day. Day by day. If it is Monday - what I have to do this Monday? Not thinking about Tuesday and Wednesday and rest... because it overwhelms me and drains me and makes me wanna spend entire month in bed, waiting for less busy and warmer day.
I heard or read somewhere that anxiety, suffering and all this unpleasant stuff come from focusing on past and future - that this moment, the Now, the Present or however you wanna call it, is stress-free. It is peaceful.
So I am trying to live by that....moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day. When I notice my mind escaping into some of its old patterns that are harmful to me, I breathe in and try to gently shift it to the present moment.
Hope you’re all feeling good and working constantly on becoming your better selves!
Lots of love,