It is your thoughts alone that cause you pain. Nothing external to your mind can hurt or injure you in any way. There is no cause beyond yourself that can reach down and bring oppression. No one but yourself affects you. There is nothing in the world that has the power to make you ill or sad, or weak or frail. But it is you who have the power to dominate all things you see by merely recognizing what you are. As you perceive the harmlessness in them, they will accept your holy will as theirs. And what was seen as fearful now becomes a source of innocence and holiness.
There is this raw, painful, hurting part of me resting somewhere underneath my bones that every now and then gets triggered and rushes upwards, breaking the surface of skin, evolving me with its black, dense fumes, not allowing me to see things around me as they are and burning with its poisonous flames everyone who comes near me.
It awoke yesterday. I was up from 3am extremely anxious and ready for a fight - with who? Doesn’t matter, whoever comes near me or try to reach out to me. Words flowing out of my mouth were not mine, I was shocked how filled up with anger and resentment they were, I was conscious they are not coming from “me” but from some very broken part that took over my body at the time, but nevertheless - others don’t know that and it doesn’t frees me of the responsibility for the damage those words made. I hurt so many people in one of my “evil phases” or however you want to call it... There is so much unreleased pain that I cannot reach but, all the same, it breaks free from time to time and makes me extremely reactive, makes me hurt so much, puts me in that place of unbearable pain and self-pity that I just can’t hold it and vomit out evil and destroying words to loving beings around me, who are trying to reach under that unleashed beast, who are trying to bring me back to reason... but it is hard. I am not sure that they can win against it. Everything they say or try to do is destined to failure, I don’t let them win and pull me out of that dark place. IT doesn’t let them.
More often than not I fall into the victim place in those situations, blaming my pain-body, blaming all the shit I went through - as it is not my fault I am completely off the hook at times. But it is, maybe not “fault”, but surely it is my responsibility how I treat others in those moments. The least thing I can do is get away, take a walk alone, go for a good cry, have a scream in the pillow... whatever. Let it come out and leave my body before entering social situations. I wanna be more aware of it waking up in order to be able to take all necessary precautions and not just ignore it until its at full blast and makes me go into that extremely reactive place, spitting fire at everything around.
Stay aware, friends. Bring light and love to those unhealed places within you, but remember that even though they are inside of you they do not make an integral part of your soul and you can free yourself from them once and forever and take some valuable lessons along the way, as well.
Lots of love,