As much as I like to consider myself to be free of society and otherwise imposed expectations, I find myself over and over again immersed in some kind of shamey-guilty feeling of not living a life “that I should live” as a young person, 23 years old, living far away from family and having all this freedom at my fingertips.
The thing is, I partied and drunk and did lot of stupid things while in highschool and once reaching the legal age to be able to do all of those things I just kind of got sick of it and outgrew it. Honestly, I don’t think it was EVER really my kind of thing, but I blended in, acted in the way I believed was expected of me for that age and on the other hand, found shelter and comfort in endless blurry nights filled up with alcohol and other substances and trying to avoid facing some deeper issues that, don’t worry, caught up with me later on and kicked my ass for ignoring them for such a long time.
But, what I was saying... I don’t think that partying and drinking and being all crazy yolo live for the night is intrinsically bad or childish... it is just not my jam. I don’t find pleasure in it. Music is too loud, alcohol makes me sick, I have to be in the bed by 11 in order to wake up at 6 and do my sacred morning routine and start the day nicely and productively... Or simply put: I live a granny lifestyle and I adore it.
Sooo, what’s the problem and why am I even writing this post?, you may be wondering.
The problem is that I repeatedly feel some kind of shame and guilt when talking about how I spend my days to friends or parents, I freeze a bit when hearing a question “what did you do saturday night?” (I slept, ofc - what else should you do during night??) and I feel kind of boring and annoying to people when refusing for 1000th time to go out partying even though I know I’d regret it if I accept and would be very boring company, probably falling asleep at some empty bar table while listening my guided meditation on earphones.
I am happy with the way I am living, I do it according to my values and priorities, I am growing constantly, enjoying and learning so many stuff - I am not ashamed of making my own rules and living my life on my own terms, but... why this sense of guilt sometimes creeps in? Why I cannot let go of other people’s expectations? Are they ingrained so deeply in me that I cannot reach their roots and spit them out? Or is it just FOMO and fear that I am doing it wrong and missing something obvious everyone else sees?
Think about your lifestyle and choices you make and try to find the “why” beneath it - are your choices consequences of your values and priorities or are you living your life merely adhering to the expectations of your community and surrounding?
Lots of love,