Read the first part here.
It was difficult, it was a day-to-day struggle, but slowly and steadily I started to get better. Actually, I started feeling better than I ever felt and with that new gained clarity and confidence started to change some things in my life, clearing out its toxic components, being it people, relationships or behaviours.
At the first glimpse of that freedom from the dark that was my constant companion for years, I thought that it was finally over. Done forever. I thought I was saved. I fought the depression and now I am gonna live happily ever after.
Surely, I’ve never expected that there wouldn’t be any shitty and sad days, but there’s pretty big difference between sadness and not feeling like doing stuff for a day or two and that sticky sense of desperation and lack of energy that accompany depression. I guess that only those who went through it can understand completely what I am trying to say here...
Even though I heard about people having relapses and going back to the bottom, having to fight it all over again - I haven’t given it much thought, tbh. I was feeling too strong and in control over my mind and life to bother about that stuff... I thought that now, that I have all these tools to deal with the depression, nothing can sweep me of my feet again. Relapse is for pussies. And I had enough pain for this lifetime....
That’s what I thought. Until it hit me all over again.
True, it was shorter and I knew better how to deal with it than before, but it doesn’t mean that it was easy. I don’t like to generalize anything and even though there are symptoms of depression that are same for most of the people, I think everyone’s case is different and I don’t feel that I can tell you “you know, depression is this, that and that.” I am not in the place to say that as the only depression I have ever gotten through is my own. I can only share my experiences with it, nothing more.
For years I’ve been fighting it, I was terrified and scared of it, but it took me quite a while to recognize and accept that I was finding a bit of comfort in it as well. We, humans, like the familiar stuff. It is in our nature and it seems that it doesn’t matter whether the experience is painful or joyful - we cling to what we know, because it gives us security and comfort.
Nowadays, I feel like I am living a pretty happy and healthy life. I can tell you that I study what I love, I live in a beautiful place, I am surrounded with people that I love and that love me back...but actually, none of it matters when it comes to depression or the absence of it. Those are all beautiful things and I am grateful for what my life is at the moment, but the key component isn’t in the outside world. It is within. It is the peace, the strength, the acceptance I had to build and find inside myself to be able to see all the blessings in my life. Because without those, I would be blind to see any good stuff that surround me.
But, however high I am flying, I am conscious that lows come now and then. I don’t care about those sad days, but I have to say that occasional relapses that hit me every once in a while still scare the shit out me. I know what I have to do to make myself feel that tiny bit better when it is possible, but it is still so fucking hard and I am still afraid that it will break me down once again. Especially during these cold, winter days.
I am trying to stay present and focus on doing my best to feel fine, but there’s that constant terror lingering in a part of my soul and sometimes I feel like I am not doing stuff because I want to feel a certain way, but because of the fear of feeling the opposite.
I don’t want to be victim of anything and I hate that sometimes I do feel like that. I hate when I can’t be in control of everything that happens inside my body and mind.
I carry on and I do what I can, and sometimes it is simply breathing and being present with that dense grey fog expending through my inner space....