Last week I visited my hometown in Croatia to spend some time with my family during Eastern holidays.
As always, I made a conscious decision to do everything within my power to stay calm, grounded, not skip on my self-care practices and don’t get triggered by petty stuff that thrive in family environments. And, as always, I was completely unsuccessful in all of that.
However, I am grateful and I am not beating myself up for it. It is what it is and how it should be. When you think you are completely healed and nothing can get to you and mess your inner peace, just go spend some time with your family.
Few years ago I would have been asking “why? why that family? why that town? why all those painful experiences?’, but knowing what I know today - it is all so perfectly aligned with my mission and purpose on this Earth. As much as I get triggered by certain people in my family - they are there and behaving in that way in order for me to open my eyes for the parts that still need healing and care. I can hate my hometown, its sluggish, dirty energy, all the memories condensed in its streets and benches that I would rather forget - but my soul had a reason why it chose that channel to come into this time-space reality. That doesn’t mean I should stay there forever - I moved away as soon as I could, but rather that the years I spent there were serving me, all the pain that town, its people and energy caused me was for a reason. They cracked me up so I can dive into the deepest and darkest parts of myself, learn something and bring that knowledge and wisdom to the others and help them and light up their path to the Truth of who they really are.
I feel as every time I go there, I pass through this intense emotional cleanse that peels me layer by layer - it hurts, I cried a fucking LOT this time around, but I feel released. I feel I needed it. Illusions stepped up for what they are and I am more ready than ever to accept the truth and stop masking it. Stop licking the sugar-coat that I spilled all over the pain to cover it, to make myself feel more normal, less pathetic, more “as I should be”.
The thing I did this time and was soooo damn releasing and liberating, was throwing away all the photos I had on my wall from my teenage days. I have (had) all of the walls in my room covered with photographs, quotes, random words and phrases I was adding during the years, each one connected to some situation and event I went through during my adolescence years. As much as it may seem like a beautiful reminder of the past, a nice way to travel through time and remember stuff I started to forget - it was causing me lot of anxiety and pressure, without me even being completely aware of it.
Those were photos of me with friends, parties, birthdays, trips, travels...smiling, happy, young, wonderful... whatever. It was none of that. You see me smiling and at first glance you’d think I was happy in that particular situation, but I know the story and exact emotion behind every and each one of those photos. I remember how I felt that and that day, how self-conscious I was, how much I cried and cut myself before covering my face and arms with all that make up, hiding myself behind the mask and drinking ‘till I forgot who was the person behind the mask. I can see through my forced smile and grimaces, I can see insecurity, I can see pain, I can see self-loathing, feeding and basing my self-worth upon the number of guys I hooked up with on that particular night.
I took it all off and it felt so good.
I know we cannot delete or disown our past - I don’t hate it, I accepted it and I am infintely grateful for all the beautiful opportunities for growth it gave me. But I don’t wanna be attached to it no more. I don’t wanna try to represent it for something it never was.
You have all the answers, my friends. Just listen.
It was one of those instant-made loves, that happen in a fraction of a second, that appear in us as early as with the very first glance, and grow bigger with every word, every look, every moment shared together...
It was 6th July - the day we landed in Porto, Portugal. Country that I was so eager to visit, as I already knew quite a lot about it (being a student of Portuguese language and literature) and was excited to finally have the opportunity to test my speaking skills in real-life circumstances.
However, the thing I didn’t expect was to fall so madly in love with it.
I’ve traveled quite a lot for my age and saw all sorts of magnificent places, amazing cities and lovely sceneries. Even though Porto maybe wouldn’t be at the top of the most beautiful places I’ve seen, there is something about that city that attracts me so much that I decided to go live there.
I can’t quite explain that sudden affection and strong desire, almost kind of need to move there for a period of time. Obviously, it isn’t very possible to happen right away, but next September I’ll hopefully start my master degree programme in translating at Faculdade de Letras de Porto.
I read somewhere long time ago that there is a belief that each of us, no matter where we entered this physical form of our bodies, has a place in the world that they are connected with, that is something like their “soul’s place” and resonates perfectly with them on a deep vibrational level. I cannot know whether that’s true or not, but what I know is that I feel a pretty intense urge to go live there and I’m just gonna go with it.
I may not know where it’ll take me or for how long I’ll stay there, but, just for once, you know, I wanna lean into that gut-feeling and surrender to my intuition because, looking back, it always brought me just amazing stuff, as opposed to what happened when I blindly accepted pieces of advice of the logical part of myself.
Walking the Camino de Santiago was on my bucket list for a long time, ever since I first read about it and immediately got so drawn and inspired by the idea. However, it seemed like one of those things that, you know, “I’ll do one day when...” And than you maybe do it and maybe not.
BUT, strange and awesome situations and circumstances got together and it manifested faster than I could have ever imagined! I did my first Camino with my boyfriend this summer and I can firmly say that it was the most intense and amazing time of my life. I may write about it in other post(s) as there is so much to tell and there are many angles and aspects of the Camino I’d like to touch, so let me leave it aside for a moment and I'll get back to it another time...
This post was meant to be about the End of the World.
So, even though the official end of the Camino is the cathedral in Santiago de Compostela, many pilgrims decide to continue on walking (or talking a bus if u r short on time or simply a lazy bitch as us) to the Finisterrae, or how the local galego people call it - Fisterra.
I am so glad we went there, because it was SO WORTH IT.
Even though the town is small (should I be calling it a “town”??) and there’s not much to do and see, the energy it radiates is amazing. The place is full of pilgrims, travelers and adventurers eager to share their stories with whoever wants to listen. There’s also a great chill-down atmosphere as that is, let’s be honest, all you want to do after walking 300+ kilometers: chill, lay on the beautiful sandy beach, watch sunsets and sunrises and just let that sense of accomplishment on finishing the Camino overflow your whole being.
Finisterrae is Latin for “end of the world”. If you are somewhat ignorant or common knowledge deprived as I am (I might be exaggerating a bit, but my history and geography knowledge is far below basic) you may not know that before the discovery of America, Finisterrae was considered to be the westernmost place of the world (wrongly, tho) and therefore its end.
We know a little bit more about the world nowadays, but I have to admit that you can totally get that “end of the world” feeling while watching those strong waves crashing into the breath-taking rocky shore while chilly wind messes up with your hair and you are kind of cold and irritated, but at the same time amazed and filled with respect towards the Nature, Universe, Force....whatever you call it.
Man, I felt so small and fragile and so connected to everything around me at the same time. Guess you just have to experience it for yourself to get what I am talking about. Enjoy the pictures and I catch up with you soon ;)