I’ve been pondering a lot upon this concept of “alone-time” lately.
I have always been someone who charged their batteries in solitude and really enjoyed their own company. However, I noticed recently that the ‘quality’ of the charge I’ve been getting in last few years or maybe even a decade is far lower and less nurturing than the charge I was getting when I was a child, pre-teen or even in my early teens.
I heard myself saying so many times how I am my own best friend and the company I enjoy the most at the end of the day, no matter how much I might also enjoy being with some of my closest friends. However, that’s not really true, because I haven’t been really meeting myself for a looong time, other than in bits and pieces and even those were bitter and uncomfortable and therefore short-lived.
What do I mean by I have not been meeting myself?
Well, if you are with a person whose presence you truly cherish and enjoy, with the person who you want to see in the depth of their soul and absorb everything they are trying to communicate to you, hold the space for them, offer compassion and understanding - you wouldn’t be scrolling on your phone at the same time, or reading a book, or watching a video, or daydreaming about your ideal vacation, or… whatever. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of those, but they have their time and place and you wouldn’t be engaging in other activities (even if they are only mental) if your intention is to be really present for another - their feelings, their thoughts, their experiences.
You see now… I haven’t been present for myself for so long that just the idea of doing so is terrifying. Meeting the wholeness of my experience and facing all the shadowy aspects that start crawling out of their shelters once you direct the light of awareness on them is quite uncomfortable, to put it nicely.
So, we don’t do it. We find so many excuses. We trained our minds to redirect its focus so rapidly to some outward phenomenon or maybe even to some better-feeling thought if we have been religiously following ‘positive thoughts only’ concept, afraid as shit of anything that feels yucky and sticky and off, ‘cause it could bring forth some unwanted manifestations. However, just because you chose to suppress and redirect your sight from the thing it doesn’t mean that the thing will disappear.
I also think we are not meeting ourselves because we don’t know how to do it.
Most of us don’t even know how to fully meet another, which is of no surprise actually if we don’t know how to offer that same presence to ourselves. If we happen to encounter that empty space where we are not entertained and distracted by some activity and have a glimpse of what is happening inside, chances are the story will kick in as soon as we acknowledge there is something unpleasant there, being it sadness, shame, fear, blame, hate, etc. We immediately start to judge and shame ourselves for feeling that way and the momentum of toxic, self-depricating thoughts starts, gaining the speed, enriching itself by more bad-feeling thoughts and memories, nurturing and expanding its power, making us feel worse and worse, until we are so deep inside the hole that the only way ‘out’ is to actually distract ourselves. Grab a phone, a drink, a book, take a fast walk, go to the gym. From one side it can be a self-loving way to deal with the situation when we get too deep into that self-pity mind story, but the real solution lies in learning how to meet ourselves with love and compassion, without giving in to ego’s stories and succumbing to the judgment and shame.
If you are not sure where are you with meeting yourself, observe how you meet another.
Do you run away when they show sadness, rage or low self-esteem and want to be with them only when waters are smooth? Do you feed into their stories of victimhood and self-pity or try to aggressively pull them out of the low-feeling state, invalidating their emotions and maybe even getting afraid that those low vibes would somehow stick on you and make you less ‘vibrationally clean’?
When I was younger, I spent tons of time staring at the wall and feeling. I spent tons of time being with my parents and their friends, but really being with myself inside and feeling. I knew myself. I didn’t have the conscious awareness of any of it probably, but because of the lack of the available distractions at hand, the only way to somehow ‘entertain’ myself was to retreat inward and it was nice and comfortable and interesting. I haven’t yet learned to judge my feeling states, so I’d just observe and play with them. I loved being inside more than anything. I enjoyed my company the most at those times - when I was seemingly ‘doing nothing’.
Then we start to learn how to numb, how to distract, how to ‘deal with pain’ or sadness or shame with all this tools and techniques and if you are physically alone and doing nothing… it is like, wtf, go do something, go read a book, go call a friends, go help with the lunch, do, do, do. No time for being.
I forgot how to be. I left my safe shelter abandoned for so long that now is full of dust and dirtiness and all kind of old, weird objects that need deep-cleaning and rearrangement.
About 2 weeks ago, my phone got broken and even though my automatic response was to open the laptop and google how and where I can fix it or get a new one maybe - I stopped in the middle of it, took a breathe in - and decided not to take any action on it. I prayed the day prior to my phone falling apart for something that would help me on my path, whatever it might be, something to bring me back in touch with myself… and it happened. Universe never fails to give us what we need. It might not necessarily be what we want, but it is always what we need the most, as bitter as its taste may be at the moment of receiving it. Staying without my phone was exactly what I needed. The space that opened up without checking social media, taking photos and videos every day, listening to podcasts, going blindly around with eyes glued on the Google Maps as if there are no living, breathing humans all around that I may ask for directions as well… Scary amount of space, scary amount of silence.
It was just what I needed.
I am coming back to myself, re-teaching myself to be okay with whatever there is in those dark depths I left unvisited for years. I am learning to really BE with myself, as with a friend. As with someone I love.
And I hope that, eventually, it will start to feel again like the safe shelter where I enjoy residing that it once used to be, instead of the damp place that I am trying to escape at all costs.
If it’s true that we are all piece of God that has within all the information, all the wisdom and all the guidance that we may possible need while walking this Earthly path - why and do we even need spiritual teachers, gurus, books and podcasts? Can they teach us something new that we already don’t know?
The answer is: No.
But let’s tackle one at the time. We don’t NEED spiritual teachers in a sense that they’d bring forth some new information that we already don’t know. There is no NEW information. When we resonate with a teaching, it feels good and familiar (!) to our soul, not because it is intellectually correct, but because it stroke a cord of recognition within us. It activated a dormant source of knowledge that already exists in our being. We grow fond of a particular teacher or guru because they reflect the brilliance and wisdom that exists in us as well, yet they have that confidence and firmness in the Truth of their teachings that they can step up and spread the information, embody it in a way that feels good to those who support the teachings as it solidifies their adherence to a certain viewpoint or vision of a Truth.
Notice that I am saying ‘a Truth’ and not ‘the Truth’, because there are millions of truths, all equally valid, all equally true and untrue. So, instead of fighting and trying to prove your point to anyone holding a different belief system, accept that they cannot simply switch perspectives and find resonance with your Truth just as you cannot do the same with what’s Truth for them. When you forcefully try to impose any Truth, whether it is upon yourself or someone else and it feels tight and constricting in your chest area - just drop it. It doesn’t serve anyone. The moment ‘a supposed Truth’ creates a closing sensation in the body, it means it is no longer true. We can feel right away whether something is true or untrue for us and the best way to honour that gift is to stay constantly aware of the sensations and walk away from whatever feels limiting and constricting. Truth feels expansive. Opening. Light.
So, we don’t really need spiritual teachers, especially not in the manner we usually seek them, which is from the energetic setpoint of powerlessness and victimhood, expecting they’d save us and give us some divine medicine for our suffering. Many who look for guidance in another human being with the expectation of being saved and miraculously healed without doing their part of the work, end up disappointed, resentful and hating the person as they didn’t live up to their expectations. This is because the change happens from the inside out - and yes - spiritual teachers, gurus and healers can be of great help in the sense they would trigger the light of remembrance of our own innate power, pointing us to those shadowy places where we stored our wisdom long time ago, so we can reopen it and use what’s within to cure and heal ourselves. We do the work, they give us a map. Do we need a map? We could probably find our way to our destination sooner or later, but it would definitely take much more time and effort. However, giving the map is not same as walking the road and that’s what we often dismiss and then blame teachers for the inefficiency of their methods. Can you feel the flavour of the cake by eating the recipe? No. You have to make the cake. You have to walk the road. Choose whichever map you want, but walk it. Or go without a map. But walk it. The worst you can do is to accumulate the maps and complain they are flawed and useless before even lifting your butt off the couch.
Walk the road.
Do we need spiritual teachers? Yes.
If we are to be completely honest, by the time of puberty, most of us is already fairly disconnected from our inner truth and guidance system and operates from deeply ingrained subconscious programming and the saddest part of it all is - we are in larger part, if not absolutely, unaware of it.
All of the answers and wisdom reside within us, but we cannot cultivate enough silence and stillness to gain access to them. And that is where teachings, books and podcasts come in, which again are not solution and salvation in itself, but a key to unlocking the treasure chest resting in the structure of our own cells. It may take time to find a key that works with our doors and, more probably, we’ll notice that we need more different keys and some that worked perfectly well yesterday, today no longer fit at all… It is all good. It is all part of the process. Just remember that even though you used someone else’s keys to unlock the chest of your internal wisdom - that wisdom is yours.
You have the knowledge.
You have the power.
There’s no shame in seeking reminders externally - that’s why we are here all together, to support and help each other. However, do not give your power away, not even for a split second. Do not wait that someone else saves you. They cannot do it.
Only you can.
I love you.
#spiritualteachers #meditation #gurus #spiritualteachings #enlightenment #newage #heartcentered #empowerment
If you are not grateful for what you already have, what makes you think you’d be grateful when that what you desire finally manifests into your life?
Yes, you can roll your eyes.
I did, as well, probably each of 10000 times that I heard or read this phrase, because it doesn’t make sense to our minds that live bounded to this linear time-space reality and love to attach the ideas of happiness, joy and fulfilment to some future point in time (and often some other point in space and some other versions of ourselves).
What happens then is that that point in future remains forever there - in the future, and we end up wasting our present complaining, being miserable, feeling lacking of something/someone, in the expectation and at the same time in disbelief of the possibility of better times actually coming and our “luck” turning around. And the truth is: nothing can change and ‘turn around’ before our energy does. And energy exists in the Now, so it is only in this present moment that we can change anything and everything, because as soon as we switch our energy, we enter a new parallel reality that contains different past and future and different version of ourselves. The external circumstances arrange themselves to match that new energetic setpoint of our energy field and we witness a completely different reality.
Do not try to change external circumstances before you adjust your energy. Or - try, and find out for yourself that it won’t feel better. Even if you let go of your current friends, move to another country, change your career, ‘fix’ your physical appearance, break up with your spouse… once the initial excitement of those bold and abrupt external changes subsides, you’d be left with the same shitty emotional state and emptiness that made you do all those changes in the first place. You will realise that you feel exactly the same, if not even more bitter and frustrated, ‘cause all the expectations you put in those external changes proved themselves to be without any foundation - and now you don’t know what else to do to fulfil that excruciating emptiness.
Go inward. Work on your energy. Find a good-feeling place within you wherever you are, with whomever you are and cultivate that place daily. Make it a practice. The most important practice of your day. Dettach from the false idea that external stuff can make you feel a certain way. They can’t. They are extra, something to add and to show you where you are at vibrationally at any given time.
How do I know all these stuff?
Because I felt it all on my skin and spent days and weeks and months and years asking myself what the hell was wrong with me, why can’t I ever make this dark, empty feeling go away. I’d always let my mind guide me through seemingly logical ideas how to attain that feeling I was craving, so I changed and changed and changed, and moved away and moved once again, and modified each segment of my external reality, covered the broken walls with pretty paintings instead of targeting that brokenness first, instead of peeling off the layers and looking what’s beneath asking to be healed.
Go inward. That’s the only advice I wish someone gave me when I was younger.
And now I’m giving it to you.
Yeah, but… we’ve been together for 5 years already…
Yeah, but… I’ve already left 9 years of my life in this industry…
Yeah, but… I’ve been playing piano since I was 3…
Yeah, but… we’ve been friends from the time our mothers were pregnant…
It is so deeply ingrained in our human psyche to measure the value of something in proportion to time that passed since that very thing came into being. We embraced so religiously that system of evaluation that we fail to notice when things start to fall apart, lose their scent and flavour; when friendships become toxic and disgustingly forced; when the career we chose ages ago is sucking all of the juices from our bones, pulling us slowly into addictive and self-destructive behaviours; when our partners cease to show up as they should or even worse - start to cheat, abuse and treat us poorly; when pleasurable hobbies turn into pain-inducing tasks; when our eating habits devoid our bodies of energy instead of doing the opposite… The examples are numberless and once put down, black on white, they seem almost ridiculous.
Why would we do that to ourselves? Why are we staying in situations that do no longer bring us joy and fulfilment and more often than not, provoke us pain, apathy and profound discontent?
I’ll tell you why.
Because quitting is for pussies. Because anything worth having takes time. Because when going gets tough, the tough get going. Because there are lows and highs to anything and after the storm, the sun must appear. Because we have to struggle. We have to suffer, bleed and sweat to be respected, to be valued, to be seen as persistent motherfuckers who do not run away with their tail between their buttcheeks at the first sight of difficulty.
That’s what our society and culture taught us.
And if we never took time to question and test the accuracy of those concepts in real and specific scenarios, they may seem actually quite firm-standing and logical, easy to be integrated and programmed in our humbly developed brains which then start to operate according to these programs, directing our behaviours and reactions through different life situations.
But is quitting really so BAD as we proclaimed it to be?
“Of course it’s not”, you may be replying in your mind at this moment, “quitting cigarettes is good. Or junk food. Or watching porn.”
But that’s not the quitting we’re talking about here.
I mean quitting the “good” stuff, the socially celebrated stuff. Like those 10 years you’ve been waking up at 5am to go to your swimming classes, or 6 years you’ve been dating the neighbour from the street parallel to yours, or those 8 semesters studying civil engineering, 18 months being vegan, 678 euros of singing lessons, 11 years as managing director… Is there a possibility that quitting any of these things might actually be good and serving and how to determine when it is so and when it is actually detrimental to our overall wellbeing?
And what is the difference between quitting and giving up?
Is there any? Or are those two one and the same?
I quit loads of things in these short 24 years I’ve been around this Planet. Almost too many to fit in such a short period of time. Name a sport - I tried it, gave it a year, 3 or 7 and quit. Faculties? Friendships? Boyfriends? Hobbies? Choose a category and I’ll write you a list of my quits within it. I would have probably quit even more things, like switched schools or changed my birth name, if only my parents allowed me to bring forth those ideas to reality at the time. But they didn’t. Luckily? Who knows.
What I was about to say is that I always held a fair amount of shame regarding my, what was slowly but surely developing into, ‘habit of quitting’. I thought of myself, as I heard it being said to me and to people behaving alike, as impersistent, as of someone who lacks self-discipline, quitter, indecisive, unclear, inconsistent, without direction, “someone who changes their mind as the wind blows” - like they say.
Having taken a more attentive look at my “quits” versus the things I saw through to the end, I realised that I actually don’t give up so easily, I can be the hardest-working person in the room and get up hundred times when needed, BUT - and here is the crucial piece of the puzzle - if it is important TO ME, if it is in full alignment with my heart and soul, if it matters and resonates on a deep, intimate level.
If it is something that I was pushed into doing by others or by myself (but motivated by others’ expectations or thinking it will bring me some approval, recognition or ego-boost) there’s a pretty high chance I will give it up pretty early on. Also, there were times when I was really in alignment with a thing and thought I would definitely dedicate it next 3 or 4 years, but… I changed. And we all do. We are in constant change and what resonates and sparks our inner fire at 15 will probably not be the same thing that does when we are 18. Or to some it will. And that's perfectly fine. We are all so unique and different and the sole act of comparing one’s journey in whichever area of life to another’s is useless and at times even detrimental as it makes us believe that if someone we admire does the same job for 20 years, we should do so too; or if someone has a long-term relationship with their highschool honey, it makes ours 10 months romances invaluable and somehow wrong.
That’s exactly why it is so important to stay in tune with our inner guidance and be completely honest with ourselves when things start to feel “off”. Your automatic reaction may be to quit whatever it is as soon as you feel some resistance rising up or it may be the opposite - to notice the resistance and dullness and decide to ignore them without further exploration and question posing, ‘cause you were made believe that that’s how it is “supposed to be” - painful, hard and struggle-inducing. Neither the first nor second option will serve you in a long run - not without the examining what is underneath the resistance.
And here comes the difference between quitting and giving up - at least my understanding and definition of the two. When something’s really important to us and we want to grow and continue on the path of it, it is usually when we are about to uplevel that the resistance appears. That resistance simply shows that we are about to leave our comfort zone and expand, yet there might still be some limiting beliefs we are subconsciously holding onto that make us doubt whether we are really capable of upleveling. We may have the belief that we are not worthy enough or good enough to go to the next level, that we do not have what it takes. The image of us on that upscaled position, once the obstacles at hand are surmounted, excites us and inspires us, but we doubt ourselves and are afraid - so we give up.
Giving up is letting go of what we value, wish for and/or hold important due to our lack of self-confidence, self-worth or any other limiting belief. We want it, yet we talked ourselves into thinking that it is not for us but for someone else. “We don’t have what it takes.”
Quitting, on the other hand, is a willing and conscious decision to let go of what no longer resonates with our heart’s desires, what doesn’t bring us joy and fulfilment and leaves us emotionless or even bitter when imagining ourselves doing that thing or being with that person in few years’ time. When we quit something, we usually don’t look back and think “What might have been if I stayed/continued/pushed through”. We are calm and firm with our decision ‘cause we left something that was no longer in alignment to pursue something else that was pulling us in its direction.
Quitting, therefore, is one of the best things you can do to honour your soul and make the best use of your time and energy while you are here. It benefits you and it benefits everyone else involved, as when we are half-heartedly somewhere nobody benefits and we are lying to ourselves and others, unnecessarily depriving everyone involved of the opportunity to switch direction and find something that is in better alignment and will bring higher feeling-states into their lives.
However, make sure to go through attentive soul-search once faced with the resistance regarding carrying on with anything in order to have the clarity on whether the end-date really approached or you just fell prey to your subconscious limiting beliefs and fear of upleveling.
Lots of love,
Sometimes it happens we devote ourselves to a project, a person or a cause, we put all of our energies into it, shed blood, sweat and tears until we’re completely empty and depleted, just to find ourselves faced with the harsh truth that the final result of all of our continuous efforts led to - nothing.
We failed and failed miserably, ended up ghosted by a friend or a lover we treated with utmost care, lost a dream job in a split of a second or not succeeded in getting one we worked so hard for. We lost money we invested in business that failed, spent hours studying to end up unjustly failing thanks to a frustrated professor that never liked us, poured all of our love and dedication to save the person who never wanted to be saved in the first place.
We gave our everything and ended up with nothing.
Or at least that’s how it looks like at first glance.
I know we all had those moments in life, when all of our efforts suddenly seem futile and wasted ‘cause we didn’t end up getting what we wanted or expected. I know the frustration and rage and bitterness that sprout from those situations and at least for a period of time make us not want to venture into anything new that requires dedication, because… what for? We may end up with nothing once again.
And shame. That particularly bad-tasting shame that comes with failing at something others saw us devotedly hustle for and now we have to deal with cynical questions on the topic, false pity trembling on the edge of suppressed smiles from people who just love seeing others fail as their own sad lives are so deprived of any mention-worthy endeavours that involve even minimal risk-taking.
“It was all for nothing. All the hours, days, weeks and months spent __________ and now it doesn’t mean shit.” I heard myself complaining endless times, mentally or verbally to anyone willing to listen. I’d shut up when they’d try to comfort me with arguments that even they themselves weren’t completely sure about, as “It will all pay off one day. Every skill is valuable. Every lesson may end up being useful in certain moment in future.” Yeah, right. Having no other choice, I’d force myself to swallow the pill that contained not more than cheap artificial sugar to push the clouds to the side for a couple of hours, hoping that the bitterness and disappointment will evaporate over time.
Then the shift came.
I cannot quite recall whether it happened during one of my meditations or in those weird, floaty spaces right before falling asleep when you are not fully and properly here nor there, but I saw it and felt it so clearly and it all suddenly made so much sense. It resonated in that deep, further-explanation-not-needed way that only the real Truth is able of resonating within our Souls.
So, let me share it with you.
One of the principal laws of this Universe, as you probably already know, is the one of Cause and Effect. Everything is subject to this law, whether we are always capable of seeing it or not, whether the Cause preceeded the Effect in this linear 3D time or it happened viceversa - the two are inseparable.
Therefore, every concentrated, focused and well-intentioned energy expenditure has to end up in us receiving the same. You will reap what you sow. We throw this phrase around all day long (usually in a threatening manner to warn someone who’s about to take some integrity-lacking enterprise), but have you ever really pondered more deeply upon its meaning and explored the layers and layers of wisdom held within it?
There are many what we called “good persons” who live by this phrase, but do so out of fear (“Karma’s out to catch you.”), as if Universe/God/Source was some bad guy just waiting for us to fuck up, so it could throw whole lot of crap our way and make us pay for it.
Throw that fear-based belief right now into thrash and open yourself to understanding, or should I say - knowing (you already know that inside of you), that the law of Cause and Effect doesn’t have to do anything with rewarding and punishing, there is no “good” or “bad” - they are just our human inventions that (we believe) make us easier to navigate through this life-experience. It is all simply about reestablishing balance.
What goes up must come down. When will it come? We don’t know. In which form will it come? No idea. But it will come. There’s absolutely no doubt about it. You cannot control it in any way or try to make it come down faster, but what you can do is - trust.
You can sit down after a long day in which you gave your best, in which you put your heart, brain and stamina into an endeavour you hold important and worthy, even though the final destination is no more than a question mark wrapped in a fog at the end of a long, abandoned road. You can still sit down and be calm, because… you sow. You swung the pendulum to the left and it will make its way to the right, eventually. You can be sure about that.
However, make sure that your mind and heart are open to noticing the fruits of your well-intentioned labour once they start to enter your reality, as they may not have the form, colour or scent you were expecting them to have and you might miss them and falsely start seeing yourself a victim, “the one that pulled the shorter end”.
The last thing I’d like to address here is the critical importance of the intention that sits at the bottom of our action. We may work our little asses off, hustle all day long and still reap some low-vibe energy. That is so because the sole action doesn’t mean much if the intention behind is rooted in fear, hate, revenge or any other place of low frequency. This is a vibrational Universe where the “concrete”, physical action is but a delicate mask enveloping the vibration that the intention holds.
So, get clear on your intentions before doing anything and make sure you are operating from a place of love, compassion and desire to uplift - then you’ll be able to rest peacefully with sweet knowing that what you planted is soon about to peep through the soil.
When I embarked on this spiritual journey, started reading books and articles on personal development, spirituality, psychology, mindset etc. and expanding my knowledge and awareness on different concepts, patterns and ideas, building my vocabulary to describe and affirm subtleties of the reality I was vaguely familiar with, but couldn’t quite grasp them yet without having the fertile ground where to plant them and leave them flourish and develop within my consciousness; when I started meditating, writing pages and pages in my journal until the dusty surface washed off and the deeper truth could reveal itself to the page; when I started feeling and experiencing things that were beyond my understanding of this world and Universe, expanding and shifting my perception of All-that-is, making me question things and go back to the beginnings, start the journey back to the heart from the overactive mind where I lived for many years - I naturally felt a strong urge to start sharing those realisations and “downloads” with my close ones.
How could I keep for myself those profound experiences and mind openings? How could I live with the knowledge that brought so much relief to my world and not share it with those who I love and want the best for?
If you had a similar experience and you’ve tried to push upon others mind-shifts you have had, if you’ve tried to give them books, send them links, talk for hours ending up feeling unheard, misinterpreted and frustrated at the end of it all - you are certainly not alone. I believe that urge to help others with what have helped us and believing it’ll do the same for them is natural, but it shouldn’t be acted upon if there’s no invitation to do so.
…and yeah, it can be quite tough to resist it.
You may have tried - it may seem so fucking obvious to you what someone has to hear or do to better their life or their mindset and change their reality, but if you put all that energy into trying to depict to them what is clear to you and you end up facing the wall of incomprehension, feeling disappointed and even a bit (or, let’s be real, a lot) annoyed - it’s time to back off.
This one has been a hard lesson to me and even though I had accepted it on some level, it still pisses me off that I cannot intervene and help (or what my mind perceives as “help”), but instead remain silent and calmly repeat to myself: “It is their path and they have to walk it their way. There’s a reason for that and the Higher Intelligence knows better than my limited human mind.” I can love them anyways - disagree with them and even avoid certain topics - but love them at the point there are at, remaining extremely alert to any sense of superiority that Ego may come up with and dissolving it right away by understanding that each being has a curriculum in this particular lifetime and that each one of them is as valuable as the next one - none of them is inferior or superior, none of them is more elevated or more spiritual than the next one - they are just what they are.
Judging the state of consciousness or how awaken or “spiritual” someone is according to our idea of what being “awake” is (which is, again, nothing else than another trap of the Ego trying to make us feel separated and superior, whatever the content is) is judging our very selves in another parallel reality or in another lifetime.
We pass through different roles, genders and life circumstances in different lifetimes and in order for them to be taken to the completion we have to live according to our own Curriculum that came along with the lifetime in question. Sharing the information and knowledge when invited to do so is certainly welcomed and beneficial, but we shouldn’t get attached to the results of that sharing or grow the expectations of how that should change something within the other person. If it does, than it was meant to do that, if it doesn’t, that it was meant to do just that and instead of forcing and pushing harder - simply step back and honour the Universe’s plan for that person, honour the Higher Wisdom that’s guiding us all - and in that sense - we are never really lost. We are just living out our curriculums with more or less ease, dependent on how resistant we are to it or what are the lessons that need to be integrated in this lifetime.
So, next time you feel annoyed with someone “not getting you” or misinterpreting your words, next time you feel compelled to push someone into reading that book “that will change their life” even though they show no interest at all in doing so - take a long deep breath, go within and bless the person, bless the path they are on and bless how different it is from yours while acknowledging that is no better or worse, it simply IS.
And it is beautiful and magical all the same.
I love you.
Nothing solid and lasting cannot be built on the shaky foundation.
I witnessed my life falling apart before my very own eyes this summer. I witnessed all of the illusions I nurtured so diligently crashing down and dissipating into thin air. I got scared, discouraged and confused. Suddenly all of the structure I was holding myself onto proved to be false and I found myself floating above the ground, directionless, clueless and uncertain of a single thing.
I also developed resistance to writing this blog. Somewhere along those hot summer days, I lost my initial vision for the blog and the fear of others’s perceptions and opinions grabbed me from behind while I wasn’t looking and even though I fought it and pushed through few posts that were begging to be written (somebody out there badly needed to read them), I finally surrendered and made a conscious decision to not publish any of my writings until I feel calm and grounded again. How could I ever help anyone if I myself feel like a wreck? How can I offer clarity and hope to another if I’m not able to see further than my own fingertips at the time?
Although I deeply trust that “our mess is our message” and that the struggles we encounter on our path are our greatest lessons, often meant to show us the way and asking us to share them with others, there’s something to be said about respecting the time it takes for the lesson/experience to ripen before it can be put out there under the magnifying glass, analysed and dissected in order to be used in service of the collective.
From personal experience I can tell you there’s an immense difference between vulnerability and courage needed to step fully into it so that we can share what we feel insecure and unproud of (usually guided by the desire to serve by our example, connect with others, offer hope and encouragement and allow the illusional barriers between our individual selves to dissolve) and premature sharing that can come under the disguise of those same motivations, but can never really accomplish them as it comes from a hot, steaming place - from a low vibrational point as it is an unloving and punishing act towards oneself and it cannot become anything else.
At times, as well, we unconsciously look for compassion, pity or some kind of “acknowledgment” of our pain from others - but it never results as we secretly hope it would. Nothing and no one external to yourself can offer you that and you’ll just get disappointed with your subconscious expectations crushed in a blink of an eye, probably even prolonging the time of healing and integration.
So, let your wounds dry out before you expose them.
Stay in your grief and feel the storm, but wait until later to describe us its power and colours.
We cannot serve anyone before we are in full service of our Inner Being, before we fully respect and honour ourselves. We cannot teach anything that is not fully embodied within us and if we try to, people will instantly feel the lack of authenticity and run the other way.
When the smoke goes out, the picture will be clearer and in the meantime you’ll gain the necessary distance from the experience so you can share it from the place of vulnerability, BUT without being attached to it as you were at the point just after it happened. You will certainly remain with some cords and feelings connected to the experience, but time and proper tending to the wound will provide you with the possibility to detach from it so you can slip out of the victim role and make the best use of the event through integrating its lessons yourself and sharing it with others for the greatest benefit of all.
Lots of love,
“There’s no reason to cry, nothing to be sad about”;
“Ohhh, such a beautiful girl and crying - what a shame”;
“There are so many worse things happening to other people - you shouldn’t be sad/angry/resentful about it”;
“Don’t cry, everything’s ok”
Any of these sound familiar? If you are a human and reading this post, chances are you heard some of these phrases or variations of the same many times during your childhood and adult life. The society we grew up in fears negative emotion like nothing else and we tend to avoid and escape it ourselves and help our loved ones do the same at any price and as quick as possible.
But, let’s take a look at the following situation.
What really happens when you are passing a sad moment and crying, especially as a child, and an adult figure you love, trust and appreciate comes and tells you that “there’s no reason to cry, nothing to be sad about” when what you feel indeed IS sadness and tears are pouring out of your tiny eyes without you willingly forcing them to do so?
What happens in the internal world of the child who is having an emotional experience that is real and palpable and they feel it in every cell of their body and yet the adult human that they trust and see as a more knowledgeable guide tries to convince them that what they are feeling is not valid?
Imagine the confusion within the child. I shouldn’t be feeling this way, yet I do - therefore there is something wrong with me, something not acceptable. I should feel different. I should force myself to feel different, because they say that what I am feeling is not valid or good.
That’s how we first learn suppression.
Although the intentions of the adult figure in the example above are most probably positive and loving, the act itself brings a message of shame and guilt, invalidates the emotional experience of the child and teaches it to suppress their emotions and not trust their internal guidance system. It pushes the child from their heart space and body to the mind, asking them to rationalize something that is not meant to be rationalized. They may stop crying and calm down, but don’t let that calming down trick you into thinking that you really helped them. You actually made the biggest disservice that will haunt them for long years to follow. You literally asked them to distrust their internal voice, filter the emotional state they’re in through the rational mind and place their trust externally into your words and explanation of why their experience is not valid. You didn’t “change their mood”, although it may easily seem so, you just taught them to suppress and ignore their internal compass.
And that’s how we continue to go through our lives - using the same approach whether the person passing through the difficult emotional experience is ourselves or someone else.
When we feel sad or depressed and someone tries to deny our experience through either listing reasons why what we feel is not valid or through trying to forcefully push us into the better feeling state BEFORE we are ready to move on, before the emotions we are having are fully processed - we start to feel disconnected and alone. Alone in our current experience and invalidated for going through it.
It is a help that is no help at all, as it shows us that what we feel shouldn’t be felt and therefore there’s something wrong or bad with us for feeling that way. People with depressive disorders usually have a loud and pretty toxic inner critic that would not miss this kind of opportunity to wake up even more and start beating up the person for feeling the way they’re feeling what will consequentially make the person feel even worse - it’s not anymore just the heavy, dark feeling of hopelessness and malaise but also an added layer of guilt, feeling of inadequacy and incapability to jump from one emotional state to its opposite when that is exactly what their surroundings expect of them.
If you happen to have a friend or a person you are close to who is passing some kind of rough time, depression or simply a hard day - don’t invalidate what they are feeling. Don’t set as your goal to try to make the person feel better, stop crying or make them smile. Make it your goal to be with the person, to be with them in their feeling state and make sure they understand that is completely fine what they are passing through. That does not have to be expressed verbally - a simple hug and presence is enough.
In desperate desire to help someone in pain, we often worsen everything by constant chatter and going over memories of other people passing through the similar stuff. Even though it is often with the best of intentions - many times it just creates more distance. Be with the suffering one and give them your undivided presence and love. Validate their state by not trying to understand it rationally even though you may not really “get it”. Feelings are not to be “get” or “understood” but FELT. And that’s a huge one everyone still needs to learn.
If it’s just within you that you are struggling to find a loving place from which you can be present to yourself while in pain and passing negative emotional experience, try to bring a complete awareness to those moments. We are programmed to move as quickly as possible through “negative” and uncomfortable feelings, bulldoze through, numb them and run like maniacs to the other side of the river, but that is not really useful and if you stumbled upon this post, the chance is you already learned that through your own experience.
Stay in your pain, stay in your discomfort, feel it and bath yourself in love and light while experiencing it. There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing you should feel guilty about. Nothing you should try to explain or understand. Surrender to the wave of energy passing through your field, acknowledging it, feeling it, without judging or attaching yourself in other ways.
Most of my life, when passing through hard depressive episodes, I’d make myself suffer the double ‘cause of the belief that what I was feeling wasn’t acceptable, valid or “explainable” by the rational mind. Still, it didn’t change the fact that I was feeling it. Other times, when the judgmental voice inside my head would get too loud to bear, I’d reach out for help but many times to the wrong people who would, instead of easing my way through the pain or simply being with me, add more wood to the fire of self-loath and self-negligence. Not out of evilness or cruelty, but simply because they didn’t know any better.
Society taught us to escape negative emotional experiences in any way we could think of, so that’s what we’re doing. But, guys, you cannot go anywhere before you REALLY acknowledge and experience where you’re at right now. Non-felt feelings come up to haunt you later, they resurface when you least expect them or grow denser through time and suppression and manifest as a physical condition and disease.
Next time you find yourself or someone you love going through rough emotional experience, remember it is just about meeting you/them there and bringing your loving presence.
Nothing to understand or rationalize. Nothing to push away or run through.
I’ve always seen myself as someone who likes changes.
Actually, I believed I thrived from them, craved them, couldn’t handle standing in the same place for too long, always having this deep urge to move, explore, transform, bring new into my life and shed old, get rid of all that stale stuff that wore off and lost their shine with the passing of time.
Recently I realized that it’s not true.
As someone who has tendency to control, who finds shelter in the illusory sense of ‘having control’ over anything and everything, who uses that same control as the anchor to ground themselves when things seem to be floating too high in the air and there’s no firm ground they can rest upon - I found that I do love changes and very much so but ONLY if I make them, only if it is myself that makes a conscious decision to do something, to introduce a change into my life on my terms and according to my schedule.
Even though I said that ‘control’ doesn’t exist other than as a mind-construct that we run to for a hit of false safety, I realized I like changes only if I am ‘in control’ over the pace and conditions in which they occur.
When they come suddenly and without notice, I can feel the solidity of the ground beneath my feet melting, my chest contracting and waves of anger, frustration and fear overflowing my whole body. I get so angry. Angry at the Universe, angry at myself for not having predicted what was about to happen and for not being able to keep my calm, let go of the rigidity my personality has tendency to cling on and simply flow... Flow, adapt and dance with the change.
I started to analyse and reflect upon my relationship with change, primarily upon my attitudes toward the changes within my emotional body - that has always, but even more so during the recent months as I stopped taking my antidepressant medication, been very unstable, very temporary in its states and everflowing - changing its shape, colour and direction from minute to minute. I wondered if my anger and frustration were connected solely to the changes in my internal world or they got triggered with the external, natural changes that I have no control over whatsoever, as well.
Summer period in Portugal can be tricky and for the last few weeks days were going from extremely hot to dark, cold and gloomy, sometimes passing the entire spectrum of sun, rain, hot, cold, wet, dry and windy - all in just one day. I’d enjoy a warm, sunny morning, making plans for passing the afternoon sunbathing on the beach when suddenly thick clouds would appear out of nowhere and in no time I needed a warm blanket to keep myself from shivering and catching a cold in the midst of July. I noticed how frustrated it was making me, how angry I’d get with weather, as if it was someone’s fault, as if there was a way to control it or prevent rain from falling and wind from blowing.
I noticed how much I started to complain, how much resistance I cultivated within my body and mind for this simple natural flow of changes that happens everywhere since the beginning of time. Why can’t I accept and flow with these natural changes? Why do I need to get angry and make myself suffer through resistance instead of learning how to adapt, how to flow, how to surf the ever-transforming shapes of this Universe?
With that newly gained awareness of self-provoked suffering through resistance to the natural flow of life and changes, I decided to teach myself to dance with it, to stay open and see beneath that resistance - look into the eye of the fear that comes from the belief that if I am not “in control”, if I don’t see the change before it actually steps into my reality - I am not safe.
Consciously practicing softening my body and mind through breath at first signs of stiffness climbing up my spine - I decided to broaden my vision and see if I can apply the same principles to my emotional states. What would happen if I looked at my feelings the same way I look at the weather? If I accepted that they change from moment to moment, that I can flow from excitement to sadness, from bitterness to happiness, from feeling connected to feeling isolated and lonely in a split of a second? What if I stopped resisting that flow and actually accepted it as it was? What if I surrendered to the dance, softened my body and learned the movements instead of staying stiff and tense in the corner, trying to remain firm in the place, while strong winds are blowing from all the directions, pushing me to the left at one moment and to the right the next one?
I have been a highly sensitive and emotional person my whole life and through believing it was wrong and inconvenient - I grew extremely resistant to that strong flow of feminine energy within me. I tried to push myself into the box, control the waves by neglecting all the expressions of my internal weather.
I tried to artificially create tropical climate inside of me, with no rain or clouds, turning the blind eye to the fact that I am not that and that there’s beauty even in places where weather shifts and transforms from one moment to another.
Now I see that I am the storm and the rain
Burning sunrays and painfully cold wind
that was forcefully put
into tiny metal box
I am removing my hands from the box, releasing the force and the strength to keep it tightly closed... and I watch the Ocean getting free, dancing in its expressive beauty and unpredictability.
And I am accepting that not everyone likes the Ocean.
Some people even hate it.
But that is no more good enough reason for me
to try to fit into a tiny metal box.
“There is a treasure chest
buried at the beach”,
“But no one knows where,
They dug and dug,
yet no one ever found it.”
“Then how do you know
it’s really there?”
“How can you know that?”
“You don’t need to know to know,
Look at the sound of the waves
and sing me their colour,
listen to the rays of the Sun
and show me their flavour.
It is when senses merge
that the doubt disappears
if it happens to reemerge
and you start doubting the
existence of the chest again,
jump into that lake within
and tell me
what do you see
when you bring your hands
that the form dissipates
in the particles of orange light
and your vision is swallowed
by the wholeness
the dance that goes
and any knowing.
You don’t need to know