Healing is a messy, dirty and painful process, but it doesn’t need to last as long as we make it last.
So, why does it?
Why do we keep on going back to our old wounds, talking them over, forgiving who needs to be forgiven and still, after all of that, we end up feeling like shit and those wounds continue to get triggered?
Because we do it through the mind and we are not even aware of it.
There’s no judgement here, because I have done it for years, as well, without even understanding what was really going on. As a society, we are so resistant to feeling and so attached and identified with our intellectual understanding of the world that we think that we can solve the emotional trauma with the same tool with which we solve mathematical equations.
If you tried, you know it doesn’t work, because the pain remains. Maybe it is a bit less sharp, once you revisited painful events from your past and understood that your alcoholic uncle used to beat you because he was struggling himself, or that that kid who stole your lunch money everyday at school was insecure and jealous of your grades, or that your mother was never able to love you how you wanted and needed to be loved ‘cause she didn’t love herself, so there was no extra love to give around… You may understand all those things on the intellectual level and feel some kind of relief when doing so… but it doesn’t really do much on the emotional level.
Our emotional bodies do not function the same way our brain does. You may have already discovered that just because something happened 5 or 10 or 15 years ago, when you revisit the wound it still hurts, it still hold the energetic charge, if you didn’t do the work and healed it.
Time by itself doesn’t heal. Time doesn’t really exists outside our minds that are programmed to organise reality in linear fashion, and therefore all the past events and the ways they made you feel are as present in your energy field as are those happening in the present. You don’t even need to have a conscious memory of what it was that caused certain emotional response, but that emotion, if not properly processed, still lives in your energy field and influences your vibration and consequentially - your ability to attract good things into your life.
If you have unresolved trust issues with your mom, per example, who was the principal female figure in the first stages of your life, you will keep on seeing women who you cannot trust in your life and get disappointed with female friendships all over again and finally deciding that you just get better on with boys, even though the reality is somewhat different. (Story I’ve been telling myself for years.)
So, if you still feel all that pain inside of you and are losing patience and hope, wondering what are you doing wrong, searching for another tool, method or book that may teach you how to forgive, how to overcome depression, how to… whatever. Stop thinking, please. You are going in circles and not making it easier for yourself. It is a great first step to gather the information and understand why of so and so, it calms your mind a bit, but your emotional body doesn’t understand shit of it. Your emotional body still may be stuck at 5 years old you who equals abandonment with death and there’s no ‘logical’ way to explain it that that is not what will happen.
See your emotional body as a garden and things that keep you imprisoned and in pain as weeds that grew over time and are sucking life out of healthy plants. You can research and understand why do weeds grow and it can bring you some relief as you figure out that it happens often and is not something so terrifying and scandalous. However, just you understanding it, it doesn’t make the weeds automatically disappear from the garden. You’ll have to go in and pull them out yourself and shed a tear or two, maybe sweat a little, maybe bleed some more… That is the only way.
I love you so much.
Now go and feel what needs to be felt.
There is a lot to process in this human experience and only so much that our conscious mind can hold at the time.
That’s why we are wired to form beliefs about each event that enters our reality and to label it as ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘neutral’ or else, so that every next time we encounter it, the energy expenditure to process and react to the event will be drastically smaller as it will come from a program installed in our subconscious mind at the moment we were first met with a certain phenomenon.
From one side, it is a very useful mode of operating, but from another it can be detrimental if our beliefs and meanings we assigned to things are not in alignment with who we want to be and where we want to go. We may spend so much time, energy and effort pushing in one direction, trying to manifest something our conscious mind fully wants and dreams of, but because of those subconscious limiting beliefs - we are failing over and over again and seem to be stuck forever.
Well, before we attack those subconscious limiting beliefs and start blaming all members of our closer and wider family for filling up our heads with so much bullshit from an early age - let’s understand that those beliefs have just one goal in mind: to keep us safe, to allow us to survive. They might be doing it all wrong, but that’s their ‘intention’, so to say. If you have a belief that rich people are bad, superficial and dishonest (even if you are not completely aware of that particular belief), of course you’d prevent yourself from earning the money you want and deserve, because there’s part of you that thinks that becoming rich will bring those characteristics to you and then you will be judged by your friends and family members the same way you judge rich people now, which means you will be excluded from the tribe and left alone, which means - death. At the base of every fear is the fear of death. As ridiculous as it looks at the first glance, you may easily confirm that once you dive into your shadowy halls and start dismantling those fearful beliefs.
Now, as I said, we have beliefs about everything and anything and sometimes it takes large amounts of self-awareness and self-honesty to bring those to light in order to reevaluate them, see if they really serve us and, if not, replace them with a belief that is in better alignment with our Higher Self. (Seems simple and quick to do when put this way, but it takes quite some practice and repetition until the mind is reprogrammed. However, it is worth the effort.)
We also have beliefs about the emotions. Belief creates automatic emotional reaction to an event, which would mean that we have emotions about the emotions. Think about it for a moment. Per example, when you feel jealous of someone and then there comes that guilt glued to it, because you have a belief that jealousy is bad and unholy. So, instead of feeling just jealousy - you get 2 for 1! Jealousy and guilt together - what a treat! In this case, however, you have two emotions of lower frequency which makes it somewhat ‘easier’ to digest. The same is when you have two emotions of the higher frequency coming in pair, per example you feel courageous about the new adventure you are about to embark on and proud of your courage, because you were taught it is a noble and highly valued characteristic.
The ‘problem’ occurs when we have one emotion of higher frequency with undertone of a lower frequency emotion, or viceversa. It is not ‘a problem' per se, but it may be an obstacle when we want (or think we want to) attain certain emotional state, but that underlying emotion (which has its source in a limited belief and meaning we gave to the principal emotion somewhere in our past) kind of trips us up.
I have that thing going on and I became aware of it only few years ago while I was talking to my psychiatrist, telling her how things are great and I feel so happy, inspired, excited, but at the same time - anxious and terrified as fuck. “Why are you afraid?” she asked. “Because I cannot feel this good. The higher I go, the lower I will fall afterwards. When there is so much good stuff happening to me, it means I’ll pay a damn expensive price very soon.”
I don’t think I was even aware of what I was saying at the time. I knew it was ridiculous and I probably laughed it off (“he he, I am so silly”) and we decided that I’d just enjoy it while it lasted and when darker times came again, we’d deal with them.
Needless to say, that ‘decision’ didn’t change a thing, and the underlying fear, that sensation of ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ everytime things go really well for me remained, never allowing me to fully experience happiness, joy and excitement without the muddy waters of feeling unsafe, unstable and in danger.
On the other end, pain, feeling down and being sad felt comfy and safe. I was saying to everyone, myself included, that I want to feel better and more joyful, but on subconscious level that wasn’t true. If happiness and joy are unsafety, anxiety and living in the state of constant waiting for the shit to happen, and sadness and self-pity are warm, safe, ‘there’s nowhere down from here’, peaceful and familiar - of course my brain wants me to feel safe!
Remember: unsafety means danger, danger means possibility of death. Here we go again - death. It all comes to it. And how would I (or you, if you identified yourself in this story) allow myself to be happy if 95% of my brain connects happiness with death?
You see how it works. Be aware, friends. Do not rush headlessly in the direction of your so-called goals, fuelled by cheap, short-lasting motivation given to you from someone whose set of beliefs is nothing like yours. It takes hell lot of energy, gives you flaky results and leaves you frustrated at the end of it all.
Observe and question your thoughts, peel those layers, get to the roots. Choose lovingly which plants have to be removed from the garden of your mind and which you will plant at their place instead.
Awareness always comes first.
You are your greatest teacher and mentor. And the bigger the ability to be honest with yourself, the bigger the power you have to reprogram anything that doesn’t align you with your Highest Vision and the highest potential of yourself you came here to embody.
#limitingbeliefs #subconsciousmind #healing #deprogramming #shadowwork #lawofattraction #mindpower
If you are not grateful for what you already have, what makes you think you’d be grateful when that what you desire finally manifests into your life?
Yes, you can roll your eyes.
I did, as well, probably each of 10000 times that I heard or read this phrase, because it doesn’t make sense to our minds that live bounded to this linear time-space reality and love to attach the ideas of happiness, joy and fulfilment to some future point in time (and often some other point in space and some other versions of ourselves).
What happens then is that that point in future remains forever there - in the future, and we end up wasting our present complaining, being miserable, feeling lacking of something/someone, in the expectation and at the same time in disbelief of the possibility of better times actually coming and our “luck” turning around. And the truth is: nothing can change and ‘turn around’ before our energy does. And energy exists in the Now, so it is only in this present moment that we can change anything and everything, because as soon as we switch our energy, we enter a new parallel reality that contains different past and future and different version of ourselves. The external circumstances arrange themselves to match that new energetic setpoint of our energy field and we witness a completely different reality.
Do not try to change external circumstances before you adjust your energy. Or - try, and find out for yourself that it won’t feel better. Even if you let go of your current friends, move to another country, change your career, ‘fix’ your physical appearance, break up with your spouse… once the initial excitement of those bold and abrupt external changes subsides, you’d be left with the same shitty emotional state and emptiness that made you do all those changes in the first place. You will realise that you feel exactly the same, if not even more bitter and frustrated, ‘cause all the expectations you put in those external changes proved themselves to be without any foundation - and now you don’t know what else to do to fulfil that excruciating emptiness.
Go inward. Work on your energy. Find a good-feeling place within you wherever you are, with whomever you are and cultivate that place daily. Make it a practice. The most important practice of your day. Dettach from the false idea that external stuff can make you feel a certain way. They can’t. They are extra, something to add and to show you where you are at vibrationally at any given time.
How do I know all these stuff?
Because I felt it all on my skin and spent days and weeks and months and years asking myself what the hell was wrong with me, why can’t I ever make this dark, empty feeling go away. I’d always let my mind guide me through seemingly logical ideas how to attain that feeling I was craving, so I changed and changed and changed, and moved away and moved once again, and modified each segment of my external reality, covered the broken walls with pretty paintings instead of targeting that brokenness first, instead of peeling off the layers and looking what’s beneath asking to be healed.
Go inward. That’s the only advice I wish someone gave me when I was younger.
And now I’m giving it to you.
It took time for me to fully grasp and integrate the idea that we choose our parents before incarnating into this physical plane, in the way which would allow us to learn the best those lessons we intended to learn during this particular lifetime.
Once I understood it completely, or maybe it’d be better to say: once my soul remembered the contract we made before coming to the Earth - everything started to make more sense and the pain and wounds I carry from those primary relationships and all the way from my childhood, gained more meaningful form.
They say we need to understand and accept that our parents are human too and by the quality of being so, they make mistakes too, but not so from the place of cruelty or evilness, but rather from their own past conditioning or simply ‘cause of the ignorance. When we manage to take off the veil of “divinity” and “all-knowingness” we wrapped around our primal caretakers, seeing them since arriving to this time-space reality as the source of ultimate knowledge, love and power - we can start to look at them in a new light. We can see their humanness and the child of light hidden in those adult bodies. We can feel them closer then before and understand better why they did what they did, discovering the new softness that has been applied to our perception of what we previously labeled as “mistakes” and blamed them for.
I agree with all of that and it is the absolute truth that both your and my parents did their very best from their point of view at the particular moment in time, as hard as it sometimes may be to see it that way. It is also true that reaching the place of forgiveness and the liberation from the burden of blame that dims our own magic long after we leave our childhood years and step into the adulthood ourselves sets us free in a beautiful way, there’s a part of the puzzle that can easily pass unnoticed or denied and consequentially keep us imprisoned emotionally, even when on conscious level we feel we forgave everything.
The fact that our parents did the best they knew at the time and should be forgiven for the “missteps” they took DOES NOT MEAN we should negate, bypass or deny the emotional pain and wounds that their well-intentioned, but hurtful behaviour, words and comments inflicted upon us.
How to separate the two? How to tend to our own wounds without falling into the blaming cycle?
I believe we cannot do the two at the same time. If we are trying to heal those broken and dark parts of ourselves and at the same time we are giving away our power through blaming someone else for the state we are in - we are left feeling “uncapable” and powerless to soothe our pain as we passed all the responsibility to those who hurt us in the first place.
It is only through taking our power back and yes - acknowledging the source of the pain or certain behavioural pattern that doesn’t serve our Higher Good, but not passing it the responsibility to “clean the mess”, that we can truly heal those wounds. The work is upon us.
We all have childhood traumas. By “traumas” I don’t mean all of us have been beaten or tortured in violent ways - it could be random comments, words and acts that triggered a traumatic response within our younger selves when we weren’t mature and emotionally experienced enough to process those events in a healthy way.
It is parents’ responsibility to take care of the emotional and psychological wellbeing of a child, but once we reach the adult age - it is upon us to go through the process of forgiveness and letting go and then dive within and find the ways to help that scared, wounded child that still exists inside.
My opinion is that we ALL need to do the work - no exceptions - if we want to be more conscious and aware adults that act out of love and compassion and not out of their very own unhealed childhood traumas. And, let’s be honest, we see lot of that around - lonely and wounded children stuck in adult bodies screaming to be saved and attended to. We have to stay aware and do the work on the individual level and the collective will reflect that in no time as a consequence of our own dedicated inner-work.
I, myself, am on this journey right now even though I thought I was done with it and that I let go and resolved all that was sucking my Life-Force from beneath. The truth is that I understood it all on a rational level and managed to access the place of compassion and understanding for my parents and decisions they took, but I never really looked at my wounds. And they are still there, begging for my attention as it is only me who can and should attend to that terrified, broken little girl that shivers within.
I pulled my hair back from my forehead, preventing it from getting into the way. Once it’s over, I don’t want any scent to remain. I don’t want to linger here more than necessary.
Just get over it and move forward, flush the memory with fresh water and watch it disappear down the black hole.
Arched over the toilet, all of my body hurting, surrendering to the overwhelming urge to let it all out - the only problem is there is nothing left inside. The emptiness is too heavy for my system, it burns the walls of my stomach and melts the sore edges of my eyes. I breathe in deeply, letting my skin stretch out, allowing the warm air to caress my aching insides, breathing out rage, hate, pain, black, yellow and dense remains that I somehow believed to serve me.
You are safe now.
Why I keep feeling this way then?
If all of the demons are gone who is it that is ripping my chest from the inside?
It was always you who did that, the voice answered. There was never anyone else. No one else exists. You took their words, squeezed the juice out and drank it all the way down. It’s ok, though - that was the best you could do, it was the only thing you knew how to do. Now, however, you can choose again. I am giving you the opportunity to spit out those spiders, throw the poison out and fill their place with whatever YOU like. Choose wisely.
My knees are trembling as the last drops of the bittersweet liquid leave my lips. I can see faces and silhouettes forming out of the fumes of my vomit, shouting at me, trying to make me feel guilty, trying to make me change my decision and reopen the gates of my fortress. I am stronger now, though. I am not letting them find shelter in my rooms again.
Yesterday, while walking back home, I started picking flowers to put them into that room that had been left empty. I don’t know how to hold flowers and where to place them, they are uncomfortable to carry around, it is all strange and new and I am still getting used. My eyes tear up from their colours and their smell makes me cough.
Give it some time. It is this that you want, right?
It is. The faith that it’ll become more natural with time is what sustains me. The faith that it is really only me who can decide what and who can get in. It took me so long, but I finally learn that I can close the door at any time.
You see. It was always you. The one who picked the flowers and the one who cleared the way for the spiders to come in. Don’t forget that. It is the only thing that matters. Keep the room clean and safe, but don’t close the window, let the air and light sneak in. Mop the floors every once in a while, but don’t close the window. It is the openness of the window that matters, do you hear me? When you close it, you might feel safer, but that is when the Flow dies. That is when all those flowers you carefully carried all the way home will wither.
I love you and you are supported.
It is up to you to decide whether you want to see it or turn your head the other way.
It is up to you, darling.
But, whatever you decide, remember that there is always the opportunity to choose again.