I’ve been pondering a lot upon this concept of “alone-time” lately.
I have always been someone who charged their batteries in solitude and really enjoyed their own company. However, I noticed recently that the ‘quality’ of the charge I’ve been getting in last few years or maybe even a decade is far lower and less nurturing than the charge I was getting when I was a child, pre-teen or even in my early teens.
I heard myself saying so many times how I am my own best friend and the company I enjoy the most at the end of the day, no matter how much I might also enjoy being with some of my closest friends. However, that’s not really true, because I haven’t been really meeting myself for a looong time, other than in bits and pieces and even those were bitter and uncomfortable and therefore short-lived.
What do I mean by I have not been meeting myself?
Well, if you are with a person whose presence you truly cherish and enjoy, with the person who you want to see in the depth of their soul and absorb everything they are trying to communicate to you, hold the space for them, offer compassion and understanding - you wouldn’t be scrolling on your phone at the same time, or reading a book, or watching a video, or daydreaming about your ideal vacation, or… whatever. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of those, but they have their time and place and you wouldn’t be engaging in other activities (even if they are only mental) if your intention is to be really present for another - their feelings, their thoughts, their experiences.
You see now… I haven’t been present for myself for so long that just the idea of doing so is terrifying. Meeting the wholeness of my experience and facing all the shadowy aspects that start crawling out of their shelters once you direct the light of awareness on them is quite uncomfortable, to put it nicely.
So, we don’t do it. We find so many excuses. We trained our minds to redirect its focus so rapidly to some outward phenomenon or maybe even to some better-feeling thought if we have been religiously following ‘positive thoughts only’ concept, afraid as shit of anything that feels yucky and sticky and off, ‘cause it could bring forth some unwanted manifestations. However, just because you chose to suppress and redirect your sight from the thing it doesn’t mean that the thing will disappear.
I also think we are not meeting ourselves because we don’t know how to do it.
Most of us don’t even know how to fully meet another, which is of no surprise actually if we don’t know how to offer that same presence to ourselves. If we happen to encounter that empty space where we are not entertained and distracted by some activity and have a glimpse of what is happening inside, chances are the story will kick in as soon as we acknowledge there is something unpleasant there, being it sadness, shame, fear, blame, hate, etc. We immediately start to judge and shame ourselves for feeling that way and the momentum of toxic, self-depricating thoughts starts, gaining the speed, enriching itself by more bad-feeling thoughts and memories, nurturing and expanding its power, making us feel worse and worse, until we are so deep inside the hole that the only way ‘out’ is to actually distract ourselves. Grab a phone, a drink, a book, take a fast walk, go to the gym. From one side it can be a self-loving way to deal with the situation when we get too deep into that self-pity mind story, but the real solution lies in learning how to meet ourselves with love and compassion, without giving in to ego’s stories and succumbing to the judgment and shame.
If you are not sure where are you with meeting yourself, observe how you meet another.
Do you run away when they show sadness, rage or low self-esteem and want to be with them only when waters are smooth? Do you feed into their stories of victimhood and self-pity or try to aggressively pull them out of the low-feeling state, invalidating their emotions and maybe even getting afraid that those low vibes would somehow stick on you and make you less ‘vibrationally clean’?
When I was younger, I spent tons of time staring at the wall and feeling. I spent tons of time being with my parents and their friends, but really being with myself inside and feeling. I knew myself. I didn’t have the conscious awareness of any of it probably, but because of the lack of the available distractions at hand, the only way to somehow ‘entertain’ myself was to retreat inward and it was nice and comfortable and interesting. I haven’t yet learned to judge my feeling states, so I’d just observe and play with them. I loved being inside more than anything. I enjoyed my company the most at those times - when I was seemingly ‘doing nothing’.
Then we start to learn how to numb, how to distract, how to ‘deal with pain’ or sadness or shame with all this tools and techniques and if you are physically alone and doing nothing… it is like, wtf, go do something, go read a book, go call a friends, go help with the lunch, do, do, do. No time for being.
I forgot how to be. I left my safe shelter abandoned for so long that now is full of dust and dirtiness and all kind of old, weird objects that need deep-cleaning and rearrangement.
About 2 weeks ago, my phone got broken and even though my automatic response was to open the laptop and google how and where I can fix it or get a new one maybe - I stopped in the middle of it, took a breathe in - and decided not to take any action on it. I prayed the day prior to my phone falling apart for something that would help me on my path, whatever it might be, something to bring me back in touch with myself… and it happened. Universe never fails to give us what we need. It might not necessarily be what we want, but it is always what we need the most, as bitter as its taste may be at the moment of receiving it. Staying without my phone was exactly what I needed. The space that opened up without checking social media, taking photos and videos every day, listening to podcasts, going blindly around with eyes glued on the Google Maps as if there are no living, breathing humans all around that I may ask for directions as well… Scary amount of space, scary amount of silence.
It was just what I needed.
I am coming back to myself, re-teaching myself to be okay with whatever there is in those dark depths I left unvisited for years. I am learning to really BE with myself, as with a friend. As with someone I love.
And I hope that, eventually, it will start to feel again like the safe shelter where I enjoy residing that it once used to be, instead of the damp place that I am trying to escape at all costs.
I am the treasure I’ve been seeking
nightflies I’ve tried to grasp for
rainbows which flavour I missed
in vain attemps to save them for later
I am the warmth of the sunrays
reflected in the gaze of another;
the sparkle of the sand
filtered through the fingers
swallowed by the hollow of
as the eyes were busy
by an unfocused wander
I am the love I’ve been craving
the peace and understanding
the emptiness I proclaimed eternal
proved to be none other
than my own resistance
to the Truth of
Oh, the places I went
and sugary words I devoured!
touches that left my skin aching
even worse than before
all in the need
of that soothing embrace
that never was supposed to come
from any outer space
I am the treasure I’ve been seeking
light at the end of the tunnel
words I’ve been needing
and so foolishly
searched in the voice of another.
If you are not grateful for what you already have, what makes you think you’d be grateful when that what you desire finally manifests into your life?
Yes, you can roll your eyes.
I did, as well, probably each of 10000 times that I heard or read this phrase, because it doesn’t make sense to our minds that live bounded to this linear time-space reality and love to attach the ideas of happiness, joy and fulfilment to some future point in time (and often some other point in space and some other versions of ourselves).
What happens then is that that point in future remains forever there - in the future, and we end up wasting our present complaining, being miserable, feeling lacking of something/someone, in the expectation and at the same time in disbelief of the possibility of better times actually coming and our “luck” turning around. And the truth is: nothing can change and ‘turn around’ before our energy does. And energy exists in the Now, so it is only in this present moment that we can change anything and everything, because as soon as we switch our energy, we enter a new parallel reality that contains different past and future and different version of ourselves. The external circumstances arrange themselves to match that new energetic setpoint of our energy field and we witness a completely different reality.
Do not try to change external circumstances before you adjust your energy. Or - try, and find out for yourself that it won’t feel better. Even if you let go of your current friends, move to another country, change your career, ‘fix’ your physical appearance, break up with your spouse… once the initial excitement of those bold and abrupt external changes subsides, you’d be left with the same shitty emotional state and emptiness that made you do all those changes in the first place. You will realise that you feel exactly the same, if not even more bitter and frustrated, ‘cause all the expectations you put in those external changes proved themselves to be without any foundation - and now you don’t know what else to do to fulfil that excruciating emptiness.
Go inward. Work on your energy. Find a good-feeling place within you wherever you are, with whomever you are and cultivate that place daily. Make it a practice. The most important practice of your day. Dettach from the false idea that external stuff can make you feel a certain way. They can’t. They are extra, something to add and to show you where you are at vibrationally at any given time.
How do I know all these stuff?
Because I felt it all on my skin and spent days and weeks and months and years asking myself what the hell was wrong with me, why can’t I ever make this dark, empty feeling go away. I’d always let my mind guide me through seemingly logical ideas how to attain that feeling I was craving, so I changed and changed and changed, and moved away and moved once again, and modified each segment of my external reality, covered the broken walls with pretty paintings instead of targeting that brokenness first, instead of peeling off the layers and looking what’s beneath asking to be healed.
Go inward. That’s the only advice I wish someone gave me when I was younger.
And now I’m giving it to you.
Yeah, but… we’ve been together for 5 years already…
Yeah, but… I’ve already left 9 years of my life in this industry…
Yeah, but… I’ve been playing piano since I was 3…
Yeah, but… we’ve been friends from the time our mothers were pregnant…
It is so deeply ingrained in our human psyche to measure the value of something in proportion to time that passed since that very thing came into being. We embraced so religiously that system of evaluation that we fail to notice when things start to fall apart, lose their scent and flavour; when friendships become toxic and disgustingly forced; when the career we chose ages ago is sucking all of the juices from our bones, pulling us slowly into addictive and self-destructive behaviours; when our partners cease to show up as they should or even worse - start to cheat, abuse and treat us poorly; when pleasurable hobbies turn into pain-inducing tasks; when our eating habits devoid our bodies of energy instead of doing the opposite… The examples are numberless and once put down, black on white, they seem almost ridiculous.
Why would we do that to ourselves? Why are we staying in situations that do no longer bring us joy and fulfilment and more often than not, provoke us pain, apathy and profound discontent?
I’ll tell you why.
Because quitting is for pussies. Because anything worth having takes time. Because when going gets tough, the tough get going. Because there are lows and highs to anything and after the storm, the sun must appear. Because we have to struggle. We have to suffer, bleed and sweat to be respected, to be valued, to be seen as persistent motherfuckers who do not run away with their tail between their buttcheeks at the first sight of difficulty.
That’s what our society and culture taught us.
And if we never took time to question and test the accuracy of those concepts in real and specific scenarios, they may seem actually quite firm-standing and logical, easy to be integrated and programmed in our humbly developed brains which then start to operate according to these programs, directing our behaviours and reactions through different life situations.
But is quitting really so BAD as we proclaimed it to be?
“Of course it’s not”, you may be replying in your mind at this moment, “quitting cigarettes is good. Or junk food. Or watching porn.”
But that’s not the quitting we’re talking about here.
I mean quitting the “good” stuff, the socially celebrated stuff. Like those 10 years you’ve been waking up at 5am to go to your swimming classes, or 6 years you’ve been dating the neighbour from the street parallel to yours, or those 8 semesters studying civil engineering, 18 months being vegan, 678 euros of singing lessons, 11 years as managing director… Is there a possibility that quitting any of these things might actually be good and serving and how to determine when it is so and when it is actually detrimental to our overall wellbeing?
And what is the difference between quitting and giving up?
Is there any? Or are those two one and the same?
I quit loads of things in these short 24 years I’ve been around this Planet. Almost too many to fit in such a short period of time. Name a sport - I tried it, gave it a year, 3 or 7 and quit. Faculties? Friendships? Boyfriends? Hobbies? Choose a category and I’ll write you a list of my quits within it. I would have probably quit even more things, like switched schools or changed my birth name, if only my parents allowed me to bring forth those ideas to reality at the time. But they didn’t. Luckily? Who knows.
What I was about to say is that I always held a fair amount of shame regarding my, what was slowly but surely developing into, ‘habit of quitting’. I thought of myself, as I heard it being said to me and to people behaving alike, as impersistent, as of someone who lacks self-discipline, quitter, indecisive, unclear, inconsistent, without direction, “someone who changes their mind as the wind blows” - like they say.
Having taken a more attentive look at my “quits” versus the things I saw through to the end, I realised that I actually don’t give up so easily, I can be the hardest-working person in the room and get up hundred times when needed, BUT - and here is the crucial piece of the puzzle - if it is important TO ME, if it is in full alignment with my heart and soul, if it matters and resonates on a deep, intimate level.
If it is something that I was pushed into doing by others or by myself (but motivated by others’ expectations or thinking it will bring me some approval, recognition or ego-boost) there’s a pretty high chance I will give it up pretty early on. Also, there were times when I was really in alignment with a thing and thought I would definitely dedicate it next 3 or 4 years, but… I changed. And we all do. We are in constant change and what resonates and sparks our inner fire at 15 will probably not be the same thing that does when we are 18. Or to some it will. And that's perfectly fine. We are all so unique and different and the sole act of comparing one’s journey in whichever area of life to another’s is useless and at times even detrimental as it makes us believe that if someone we admire does the same job for 20 years, we should do so too; or if someone has a long-term relationship with their highschool honey, it makes ours 10 months romances invaluable and somehow wrong.
That’s exactly why it is so important to stay in tune with our inner guidance and be completely honest with ourselves when things start to feel “off”. Your automatic reaction may be to quit whatever it is as soon as you feel some resistance rising up or it may be the opposite - to notice the resistance and dullness and decide to ignore them without further exploration and question posing, ‘cause you were made believe that that’s how it is “supposed to be” - painful, hard and struggle-inducing. Neither the first nor second option will serve you in a long run - not without the examining what is underneath the resistance.
And here comes the difference between quitting and giving up - at least my understanding and definition of the two. When something’s really important to us and we want to grow and continue on the path of it, it is usually when we are about to uplevel that the resistance appears. That resistance simply shows that we are about to leave our comfort zone and expand, yet there might still be some limiting beliefs we are subconsciously holding onto that make us doubt whether we are really capable of upleveling. We may have the belief that we are not worthy enough or good enough to go to the next level, that we do not have what it takes. The image of us on that upscaled position, once the obstacles at hand are surmounted, excites us and inspires us, but we doubt ourselves and are afraid - so we give up.
Giving up is letting go of what we value, wish for and/or hold important due to our lack of self-confidence, self-worth or any other limiting belief. We want it, yet we talked ourselves into thinking that it is not for us but for someone else. “We don’t have what it takes.”
Quitting, on the other hand, is a willing and conscious decision to let go of what no longer resonates with our heart’s desires, what doesn’t bring us joy and fulfilment and leaves us emotionless or even bitter when imagining ourselves doing that thing or being with that person in few years’ time. When we quit something, we usually don’t look back and think “What might have been if I stayed/continued/pushed through”. We are calm and firm with our decision ‘cause we left something that was no longer in alignment to pursue something else that was pulling us in its direction.
Quitting, therefore, is one of the best things you can do to honour your soul and make the best use of your time and energy while you are here. It benefits you and it benefits everyone else involved, as when we are half-heartedly somewhere nobody benefits and we are lying to ourselves and others, unnecessarily depriving everyone involved of the opportunity to switch direction and find something that is in better alignment and will bring higher feeling-states into their lives.
However, make sure to go through attentive soul-search once faced with the resistance regarding carrying on with anything in order to have the clarity on whether the end-date really approached or you just fell prey to your subconscious limiting beliefs and fear of upleveling.
Lots of love,
How does it happen that something we love to do so much simply ceases to be the priority and falls into the background of the everyday rat-race while we’re trying to keep up with the pace of our life and the world?
What it is that pushes us away from our medicine in times when we need it the most, blurs our sight and tricks us into thinking that there are more urgent, more important stuff to be done than connecting to our inner flame, the Source within us, the soul?
Ironically, what happens in those situations, when we deny our soul the medicine it needs, when we let ourselves fall off the track for a day, two, three, a week… it gets harder and harder to swallow the pill. Days pass and the resistance increases, we don’t even want to open the pill container, let alone take those pills that would bring our soul back to life. So, we hide the box in the dark, humid place and forget about it - even though, let’s be real - we never really forget about it.
It stalks and haunts us during those restless nights, it appears in the foggy visions at the dawn when our minds are not yet alert enough to shut the images down, push them back to the black hole where they emerged from. Paradoxically, the more we avoid the medicine the more present it is in our lives - the dance of the starved soul and the ever-increasing resistance to feed it never stops, bringing the unexplainable malaise and excruciating pain that we cannot track down to its source.
Feed the soul and things will fall back into place, I heard.
Yet, I didn’t obey.
Until I was forced to.
Even now, when I finally sat down and took time to write - which is my medicine, my sacred tool of understanding, releasing, expressing, connecting with my soul and my inner wisdom - even now I feel immense amounts of resistance. However, I know I cannot continue delaying and avoiding - there’s only so much starvation a thing can handle before it completely withers down and God only knows if and when will it be possible to bring it back to life again.
So I write. I am trying to get quiet enough to hear the voice of my soul again against the loudness of my mind’s bullshit. It is hard. I am trying to remember the tone of her voice as I left it behind for last few months, swept away by the events, emotions and general overwhelm of life. I put aside writing ‘cause it felt too much, it felt too much to feel, to process, to see the things black on white, to feel the realness of the tornado that passed over just when I felt I reached the calmer ground. I was feeling too much and being vulnerable, even if just in front of myself - seemed like too big of a challenge at the time.
What I want to say to you today, dear friend, is…
Make feeding your soul the priority.
A starved soul cannot wait too much before it starts to decay, infecting the rest of the body with its poisonous fumes, stealing the colours, one by one, from our world and turning down the vividness of our perception.
Then it takes tool on our emotional and spiritual wellbeing, washing us over with the waves of sudden and inexplicable rage, frustration and bitterness, coming finally to the densest of all - our physical body. Aches and pains start to pinch from here and there, even to those of the greatest health up to that point. The sparkle in our eyes dies out from one day to another and soon enough we fail to remember it was ever there in the first place.
Finally, a starved soul decides to enlarge the territory of its dominion, desperately wanting to fill the profound dark hole that it is, so it starts to suck the energy from around, making us act out and treat unjustly and badly those around us, even if they come with nothing but love and openness lurking from their pockets.
A starved soul will do anything and everything to satiate its emptiness, yet there’s only a scarce palette of options that can really feed it and each one’s palette contains different set of colours, so you better get to know what yours are and you better get to use them often - as often as you can - until it’s too late.
Because a starved soul can wait only as much before it starts to decay.
There’s a thing you’ve been called to do, a role you’ve been called to step into, an action that you’ve been invited to take… but you haven’t done it yet.
Maybe you’ve been flirting with it on several occasions, dipping in the little toe to check the temperature of the water before jumping in fully and surrendering to the waves’ and currents’ will to take you wherever they intended to, wherever you were MEANT TO be taken.
You know that all the excuses are irrelevant and ridiculous when it comes to your Soul-Journey, so please spare us both of those. We know them by heart already and what good have they brought us anyways other than kept us stuck in place, letting us sink deeper and deeper into the muddy ground all the while we’re dreaming of taking off to the starry nightsky?
Mmmm yeah…. but no, not tonight.
Or next year.
Or how about the next lifetime?
I tell you what. How about we all stop with our bullshit and finally take that plunge that we were invited to take for a very good damn reason? You are ready and I am ready, too, even if it doesn’t seem so at all - the Spirit wouldn’t be calling us forward if it taught we weren’t ready.
So, now it’s the time, friend. Jump.
Let go of the Ego’s grip and whispers that fill up your head with doubt and fear. It wants to keep you safe, but “safe” is an illusion and what it really means is miserable, dead in a fully functioning physical body. You don’t have a choice anymore, there are people waiting, there are souls depending upon you jumping into the water and embarking on your divine mission.
Do not dissapoint us.
Do not dissapoint YOU.
How much longer do you think you can silence that nudge from within? How much longer can you listen to the callings from the Above and remain still, without taking the responsibility for your sacred mission and finally taking that goddamn action?
Don’t dissapoint yourself. Don’t trade your Soul for comfort of living in shadow. We need you. We need to hear your voice and bask into your unique light.
Can you do it right now, my friend?
Can you close those beautiful eyes of yours, breathe in the light that’s the true nature of who you are and decide?
Decide that you’ll take the step, the jump, the move in the direction that terrifies you and makes you sweat, but your heart knows it’s the right one. Decide to listen to the Callings of your soul and endure the heaviness of the path as you proceed knowing that you are in the exact place where you should be. The place in which you Soul flourishes and expands.
Let’s stop “playing it safe”, ‘cause there was never such a thing, anyways. Let’s stop being dead and dimming our light, ‘cause it may intimidate someone who hasn’t embraced theirs yet.
And I’ll tell you one thing: it may intimidate them at first, but it will call them forth, as well, planting the seed of desire to step into their own magnificence, too.
I love you.
Do it. Jump.
Lean into me -
I’ll receive you with open arms and loving heart
whenever you decide it’s time to come back home.
Lean into me -
I have no intention of hurting you nor I ever had
- it was you all along hurting yourself
through resisting my help.
Lean into me -
I am safe and I live inside of you
around you and
I am all there IS
all that remains
once the illusion fails
and its pieces start to fall at your feet,
cover the floor
with their shiny glow
DON’T GO THERE!
there’s no turning back.
you can try, but you’ll only cut your hand
leave them where they are
let them be swallowed by the ground
Lean into me -
Have no fear ‘cause
there’s no fear where I reside
and you can stop trying
to “hold it all together”
and allow yourself
for once to be held
(there was never nothing to be “held together” anyways nor there’ll ever be)
so please -
Lean into me -
as you lean into yourself
‘cause me and you
are much of the same
so each time
guilt or blame
doubt or shame
start lurking into your lane
Lean into me -
and Ill set you free.
I want you to know one thing:
Your body loves you.
Deeply and unconditionally.
In every moment of every day.
Even when it doesn’t seem so and especially then when it doesn’t seem so.
Even when you are stuggling and enduring those awful pains that cut through your head and above your eyes and nothing seems to help to alleviate them; even when you are losing your breath in the midst of a panic attack and your heart is racing like crazy and cold sweat is dripping down your back while you’re simply standing in the line at the grocery store and there’s no obvious danger in sight; even when you get overwhelmed with sadness and tears fill up your lungs and brain and spill out of your eyes while you are trying your hardest to hold them in and not let anyone see those deep oceans of pain that you’ve been swimming through; even when you are tired for days and weeks on end, lacking motivation and energy to do the simplest things; even when you get sick out of nowhere, just a day before that important event or trip that you’ve been looking forward for months, even when… (fill in the blank)
Your body loves you and tries to protect you.
The problem lies in our expectation that what it should protect us from is some kind of external “danger” or sickness, but the truth is that most of the times what it protects us from is, actually - ourselves.
To fully grasp upon this idea, we have to see the body not merely as a mirror of what’s been going on at the physical level, but as a physical manifestation of what has been happening on all layers of our body: mental, emotional and spiritual. It is when we don’t deal with the issues while they are still floating in those more subtle bodies, that they dense up and invade our physical bodies in order to call our attention. Not out of cruelty or some “evil fate”, but as a simple and direct form of self-preservation, as a survival instinct that we were gifted with upon the arrival on this Planet.
I know that in theory it may sound completely logical (or absolutely absurd and senseless if you’ve never come across metaphysical explanations of medical conditions before), but it is through integration of this knowledge in our own lives that we can truly reap benefits of it - if we are ready to look beneath our “misfortunes” and get honest about how they served us, how they protected us and from what and, eventually, reach the state of gratitude for those states, events and conditions, finally understanding that it was all along just our body loving us, saving us and protecting us.
It was not until recently that it became clear to me, as I was trying to explain to myself why I was getting fever and colds so often lately (it is the only way to stop me from running around like maniac, pushing myself way over my limits and overtraining for the sake of “mental health”, khm, khm), that I realized how those depression and anxiety I was “fighting” for so long (and that still sneak up and invade my system every now and then) were, actually, serving me. They were gifts I was trying to get rid of in every and each way possible before even unwrapping them and seeing what they’ve been holding inside. There is no condition, circumstance, relationship or behaviour that will continue being an active part of our reality (no matter how much we want the opposite to happen and are working towards it) if we are not getting so-called “secondary gains” from it.
Here is where things become tricky as we have to get painfully honest with ourselves.
How does depression and constant lack of energy serve you? What do they protect you from? Which of your needs are now getting met while without those conditions they weren’t?;
How does that abusive relationship that makes you suffer and cry all night through actually benefit you? Which of your needs are getting met in that painful and unloving situation?;
How does having social anxiety serve you when on conscious level you want to attract beautiful, deep friendships and you cannot even get through 5 minutes of introductory chat without getting into the freeze-state?
I could continue on and on with various situations and conditions, but you got the point. Ask yourself those questions, get the piece of paper and see what comes up - don’t filter anything, no one will see it, but do it for yourself - please, do it. The first time you start maybe just the superficial reasons will come up and few days later a new insight may emerge and let it be so… there’s no need to force anything or judge the answers that appear, simply observe with loving compassion and understanding towards yourself. Get curious about those answers as they very probably hold the key to liberation from the condition you’ve been battling with, but also a wonderful well of knowledge about yourself. Feel the gratitude for the infinite intelligence of your body that is trying to protect you at every step of your path.
You may wonder what came up for me during this process?
I realized that my depression gave me the permisson to put the smiley, energetic mask down and take a rest when I need it, not only “when I deserve it”; it gave me permission to feel down, sad and angry and embrace those emotions without feeling ungrateful or spoiled because “I have it all, so many people are jealous of my life circumstances, I should therefore be in constant state of bliss and enthusiasm”. I was officially “clinically depressed”, so I could blame the chemical imbalance in my brain for simply feeling what I was feeling and finally not having to mask it and hide it - neither from myself nor from others.
I remember like it was yesterday - that afternoon some five years ago - when I went to a therapist and she wrote down on paper: “depression and anxiety - pharmacotherapy needed” and the amount of relief I felt in that moment. It was like I was holding my breath for years and finally someone gave me a written permission to breathe out, to open the floodgates and let the tears roll out - there it was, black on white, the confirmation that something was “wrong” with me; there it was, black on white, the permission to be sad, to be dark, to cry, to suffer, to be imperfect, to be and feel… just what it is. It gave me permission to acknowledge my needs, honour them and express them (even though I am still working on this ‘till the present day); it gave me permission to show my vulnerability and to stop trying to trick the world and myself into believing I was some kind of superhuman that can endure all and everything; it gave me permission to put myself first, to tune inward, to stop obsessively people-pleasing and living my life to impress or meet others’ expectations; it brought me attention and warmth from my parents that I was craving for so badly since I was a little girl, yet didn’t know how to ask for. The list goes on, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing here those more intimate aspects that surfaced.
Now, as you slowly, gently and lovingly started asking yourself questions about which secondary gains are you reaping from your at first glance detrimental situations, I want you to let pass a few days or even a week (wait until everything settles down and you feel ready) and do the following thing: write a “thank you letter” to your anxiety, diabetes, depression, anorexia, broken arm, shortsightedness, excess weight or whichever way your gift came wrapped up as - whether you are still struggling with it or whether it’s a part of your past. Acknowledge how and in which way it helps/helped you and protects/protected you and express your gratitude for it. Once finished, read the letter out loud and, if called to do so - burn it, or otherwise save it and when the occasion arrives and you need a reminder of the infinite love that your body has for you - reread it.
For the end, I believe we should also consider changing the vocabulary we use when it comes to these kind of challenges. How about instead of “battling with” depression/eating disorder/chronic pain/etc, we embrace it, we open to it, listen to it, learn from it and when the time comes - lovingly let it go as it no longer holds lessons for us and it served the purpose it was meant to serve?
I love you. Be kind to yourself.
There are layers and layers of sadness
Embroidered in those two points
That make the upper line of the triangle -
that once was held sacred,
seen as the root of it All
- feared only by those
who of two centers
just with one were born.
So how it came to be
that the well of our strength
turned into the source
of our shame?
What had happened
that the flame
that warmed and nurtured
that gave life
and brought to the physical form
the timeless wisdoms
from the Above
had been denied its
What had happened
that even we,
in possess of it,
to brush the dirt off
and give ourselves in
to its nurturing love;
to look beneath the veil
of illusion and shame
that for so long
deprived our flame
from the wind
and the air?
Time has come.
Time has come, sisters,
to look down within,
to open the soil
with our bare hands
and let go of
all of the demands
that have kept us
afar from our holy lands,
separated from our core
and our only true anchor;
the everlasting love
of our real
We are all creative.
Yes, ALL of us - even you raising your eyebrows and blowing off in disbelief while reading these lines.
If you find that hard to believe, chances are you’ve been confusing the word “creative” with the word “artistic” and not surprisingly so. Many of us use those words interchangeably, as they were synonyms, or otherwise addressing someone as being ‘creative’ while what they really mean is ‘artistic’.
Somehow it happened that our society started to use the term “creative” in contexts strictly related to arts and little by little we forgot that we all possess that often celebrated trait of “chosen ones”, that the creativity is the basic essence of our human nature. That does not mean that we are all artists in the primary meaning of the word, yet we all are Artists, we all are Creators at a much larger, grander scale.
As a part of the Creator itself, we cannot be anything else than Creators ourselves, creating at each step whether we are consciously aware of it or not. The ability to create lies within us and if we don’t claim it, embrace it and fully own it, if we don’t open ourselves up to learn its language and the ways in which it operates - it can easily happen that we proclaim ourselves victims of it and start to blame the external force for something in our life that’s the creation of our own.
The sole purpose of us being here on Earth is to create and explore the ever-growing limits of our creative potential and while doing so be witnesses of the expansion of the Universe and the collective consciousness that happens along the way. Times are coming (and they already came) when all of the beings will be finally faced with the power they have been searching for centuries out there - in the rivers and at the tops of the mountains, while it was always and since the beginnings resting in their very own hands, in their minds and in their hearts. The illusory idea that misguided us for so long, the idea that the power resides in something separated and external to us - has finally come to its last breaths and we are understanding that there’s nothing “separated” nor “external” in this Universe, so the only place where it can be ‘hidden’ is the place we never dared to look for until now.
Having the power comes with having the responsability. Knowing that it is in our hands to bring forth any idea from the higher realms into the 3D form is appealing and horrifying at the same time. It is not enough to know that we have the power to create - we have to train it, study it and get extremely honest with ourselves about what we want to create and why - is the desire for the certain creation coming from the heart place or from the Ego? But that’s the topic for another post.
If you are one of those “non-artsy” people that is still coming to terms with the discovery that you are indeed ‘creative’ too and wanna dive right into this new-found superpower of yours - go on and try it! Have fun, explore! Connect to that inner playful part of you, daydream and jump into the imaginative realms of your mind where barriers and limits no longer exist.
When you do something - anything - leave aside the idea of “how it should be done” or how someone else would do it and instead flow with your instincts, follow that fun-seeking, exploration-craving voice within your heart even if you don’t see where it is taking you.
Usually, we cannot see where it is taking us, because it is revealing new, magical places that our minds couldn’t come up with on their own - it is opening new spaces both to our own awareness and, at times, to the others' awareness as well - which leads to the enrichment and expansion of the collective knowledge.
It is exactly through surrendering and trusting THAT little, playful voice that discoveries and breakthroughs are made, both on individual and collective level - as if there was ever any difference between the two.
Lots of love,