The wall was covered with circles, drawn by the hand of a child.
Wobbly and insecure circles sprouting in the greasiness of a thick pencil against the illuminating whiteness of the background, yet circles all the same - no doubt about that.
Anyone could see it, but they didn’t agree.
They told her to look better or, better yet, not to believe what she sees, but to switch on that creased thing located in the top of her body and try to think her way out of it.
“It is important”, they said and seemed very worried ‘cause no one can live knowing that those were circles. That much they knew.
So, she thought and forced her eyeballs to conform to the imposed vision of non-circular nature of the images on the wall. Her eyes were burning under the pressure of injecting the illusion, but she was determined to succeed and see what others see and get help in the way that they can offer her help, because… who could help her with circles if no one sees them as circles?
She looked around to see how others did it and adopted some of their tools, putting them to use diligently and devotedly, like she did everything in her life. Vision started to blur and circles lost their sharpness and even though she never lost sense of their presence, she could not see them anymore and she started to dance to this new rhythm of chaotic abstraction that follows some linear thread and everyone is facing the same direction, in eternal waiting of the arrival to the place of the unknown name.
Their waiting is not calm or enjoyable, though. It is nervous and fidgety. It doesn’t allow you to stay present with the scene you are performing, rather you are already on to the next one with the upper part of your body while the lower part is still trying to catch up, never succeeding in that mission. It is as if you are constantly scattered between two different timelines, terrified of them meeting at the same point, as if you could ruin your pace by doing so. Cut in that manner, you never breathe to your full lungs’ capacity, but only halfway - which is of the benefit to the game and surviving longer in it.
What would happen if you pulled in double of the amount in a single breath? How would that suddenly ingested space affect the happenings within? Would you be able to deal with the rise in the temperature, the heating of the lymph, the rush of clarity passing over the blazingly dull blurriness of your deadly comfort that leads you no place at all and you know it?
You know it, my dear.
Don’t breathe in, then.
Continue to dance to the rhythm you don’t even like, performing the steps you avoid evaluating, ‘cause if you did that would mean facing the tragedy of the time lost in doing something that was deprived of any meaning, beauty or pleasure whatsoever and embarking on the quest of finding self-forgiveness for accepting the deception of those things on the walls not being circles, when you very well knew they were.
Or breathe in - it is already too late.
Let that strike of clarity cut through your perception and multiply it until you see it all from as many angles as you can and feel the terror pumping through your veins as the hardiness of the soil underneath your feet withers away and you find yourself groundless and clueless, ‘cause nobody here teaches you how to fly. Of course you think about flying - the forced movement is the only movement that you know.
But, how about floating? Can you do that?
You cannot learn it, but you can let go of everything that you learned and make it happen. You can strip away all of the tension, density and resistance, release the grip to the fragmented aspect of perception that kept you anchored and dizzy on your journey to No Land.
Those still forming the part of the crew will raise their heads in disbelief and judgment, seeing you departing in the air, giving up on the game you played together for so long, feeling deceived and abandoned. What they’ll also see is that it is possible, that there IS another way. Even if it doesn’t occur immediately, the seed will not miss the hole. Then it is upon the gardener if they will allow it to sprout and blossom or dig it out and burn it in the fireplace.
It is not your job to go around convincing people that those were circles.
You know it for yourself and that is enough.
You can leave your legs to rest, they jumped in the place for a long time.
You can allow yourself to feel the sweetness of the realisation that the road led to nowhere and that the starting point is the finishing one at the same time and all those in between.
There’s nowhere to go, honey.
Those WERE circles, indeed.
I’ve been pondering a lot upon this concept of “alone-time” lately.
I have always been someone who charged their batteries in solitude and really enjoyed their own company. However, I noticed recently that the ‘quality’ of the charge I’ve been getting in last few years or maybe even a decade is far lower and less nurturing than the charge I was getting when I was a child, pre-teen or even in my early teens.
I heard myself saying so many times how I am my own best friend and the company I enjoy the most at the end of the day, no matter how much I might also enjoy being with some of my closest friends. However, that’s not really true, because I haven’t been really meeting myself for a looong time, other than in bits and pieces and even those were bitter and uncomfortable and therefore short-lived.
What do I mean by I have not been meeting myself?
Well, if you are with a person whose presence you truly cherish and enjoy, with the person who you want to see in the depth of their soul and absorb everything they are trying to communicate to you, hold the space for them, offer compassion and understanding - you wouldn’t be scrolling on your phone at the same time, or reading a book, or watching a video, or daydreaming about your ideal vacation, or… whatever. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of those, but they have their time and place and you wouldn’t be engaging in other activities (even if they are only mental) if your intention is to be really present for another - their feelings, their thoughts, their experiences.
You see now… I haven’t been present for myself for so long that just the idea of doing so is terrifying. Meeting the wholeness of my experience and facing all the shadowy aspects that start crawling out of their shelters once you direct the light of awareness on them is quite uncomfortable, to put it nicely.
So, we don’t do it. We find so many excuses. We trained our minds to redirect its focus so rapidly to some outward phenomenon or maybe even to some better-feeling thought if we have been religiously following ‘positive thoughts only’ concept, afraid as shit of anything that feels yucky and sticky and off, ‘cause it could bring forth some unwanted manifestations. However, just because you chose to suppress and redirect your sight from the thing it doesn’t mean that the thing will disappear.
I also think we are not meeting ourselves because we don’t know how to do it.
Most of us don’t even know how to fully meet another, which is of no surprise actually if we don’t know how to offer that same presence to ourselves. If we happen to encounter that empty space where we are not entertained and distracted by some activity and have a glimpse of what is happening inside, chances are the story will kick in as soon as we acknowledge there is something unpleasant there, being it sadness, shame, fear, blame, hate, etc. We immediately start to judge and shame ourselves for feeling that way and the momentum of toxic, self-depricating thoughts starts, gaining the speed, enriching itself by more bad-feeling thoughts and memories, nurturing and expanding its power, making us feel worse and worse, until we are so deep inside the hole that the only way ‘out’ is to actually distract ourselves. Grab a phone, a drink, a book, take a fast walk, go to the gym. From one side it can be a self-loving way to deal with the situation when we get too deep into that self-pity mind story, but the real solution lies in learning how to meet ourselves with love and compassion, without giving in to ego’s stories and succumbing to the judgment and shame.
If you are not sure where are you with meeting yourself, observe how you meet another.
Do you run away when they show sadness, rage or low self-esteem and want to be with them only when waters are smooth? Do you feed into their stories of victimhood and self-pity or try to aggressively pull them out of the low-feeling state, invalidating their emotions and maybe even getting afraid that those low vibes would somehow stick on you and make you less ‘vibrationally clean’?
When I was younger, I spent tons of time staring at the wall and feeling. I spent tons of time being with my parents and their friends, but really being with myself inside and feeling. I knew myself. I didn’t have the conscious awareness of any of it probably, but because of the lack of the available distractions at hand, the only way to somehow ‘entertain’ myself was to retreat inward and it was nice and comfortable and interesting. I haven’t yet learned to judge my feeling states, so I’d just observe and play with them. I loved being inside more than anything. I enjoyed my company the most at those times - when I was seemingly ‘doing nothing’.
Then we start to learn how to numb, how to distract, how to ‘deal with pain’ or sadness or shame with all this tools and techniques and if you are physically alone and doing nothing… it is like, wtf, go do something, go read a book, go call a friends, go help with the lunch, do, do, do. No time for being.
I forgot how to be. I left my safe shelter abandoned for so long that now is full of dust and dirtiness and all kind of old, weird objects that need deep-cleaning and rearrangement.
About 2 weeks ago, my phone got broken and even though my automatic response was to open the laptop and google how and where I can fix it or get a new one maybe - I stopped in the middle of it, took a breathe in - and decided not to take any action on it. I prayed the day prior to my phone falling apart for something that would help me on my path, whatever it might be, something to bring me back in touch with myself… and it happened. Universe never fails to give us what we need. It might not necessarily be what we want, but it is always what we need the most, as bitter as its taste may be at the moment of receiving it. Staying without my phone was exactly what I needed. The space that opened up without checking social media, taking photos and videos every day, listening to podcasts, going blindly around with eyes glued on the Google Maps as if there are no living, breathing humans all around that I may ask for directions as well… Scary amount of space, scary amount of silence.
It was just what I needed.
I am coming back to myself, re-teaching myself to be okay with whatever there is in those dark depths I left unvisited for years. I am learning to really BE with myself, as with a friend. As with someone I love.
And I hope that, eventually, it will start to feel again like the safe shelter where I enjoy residing that it once used to be, instead of the damp place that I am trying to escape at all costs.
Healing is a messy, dirty and painful process, but it doesn’t need to last as long as we make it last.
So, why does it?
Why do we keep on going back to our old wounds, talking them over, forgiving who needs to be forgiven and still, after all of that, we end up feeling like shit and those wounds continue to get triggered?
Because we do it through the mind and we are not even aware of it.
There’s no judgement here, because I have done it for years, as well, without even understanding what was really going on. As a society, we are so resistant to feeling and so attached and identified with our intellectual understanding of the world that we think that we can solve the emotional trauma with the same tool with which we solve mathematical equations.
If you tried, you know it doesn’t work, because the pain remains. Maybe it is a bit less sharp, once you revisited painful events from your past and understood that your alcoholic uncle used to beat you because he was struggling himself, or that that kid who stole your lunch money everyday at school was insecure and jealous of your grades, or that your mother was never able to love you how you wanted and needed to be loved ‘cause she didn’t love herself, so there was no extra love to give around… You may understand all those things on the intellectual level and feel some kind of relief when doing so… but it doesn’t really do much on the emotional level.
Our emotional bodies do not function the same way our brain does. You may have already discovered that just because something happened 5 or 10 or 15 years ago, when you revisit the wound it still hurts, it still hold the energetic charge, if you didn’t do the work and healed it.
Time by itself doesn’t heal. Time doesn’t really exists outside our minds that are programmed to organise reality in linear fashion, and therefore all the past events and the ways they made you feel are as present in your energy field as are those happening in the present. You don’t even need to have a conscious memory of what it was that caused certain emotional response, but that emotion, if not properly processed, still lives in your energy field and influences your vibration and consequentially - your ability to attract good things into your life.
If you have unresolved trust issues with your mom, per example, who was the principal female figure in the first stages of your life, you will keep on seeing women who you cannot trust in your life and get disappointed with female friendships all over again and finally deciding that you just get better on with boys, even though the reality is somewhat different. (Story I’ve been telling myself for years.)
So, if you still feel all that pain inside of you and are losing patience and hope, wondering what are you doing wrong, searching for another tool, method or book that may teach you how to forgive, how to overcome depression, how to… whatever. Stop thinking, please. You are going in circles and not making it easier for yourself. It is a great first step to gather the information and understand why of so and so, it calms your mind a bit, but your emotional body doesn’t understand shit of it. Your emotional body still may be stuck at 5 years old you who equals abandonment with death and there’s no ‘logical’ way to explain it that that is not what will happen.
See your emotional body as a garden and things that keep you imprisoned and in pain as weeds that grew over time and are sucking life out of healthy plants. You can research and understand why do weeds grow and it can bring you some relief as you figure out that it happens often and is not something so terrifying and scandalous. However, just you understanding it, it doesn’t make the weeds automatically disappear from the garden. You’ll have to go in and pull them out yourself and shed a tear or two, maybe sweat a little, maybe bleed some more… That is the only way.
I love you so much.
Now go and feel what needs to be felt.
It took time for me to fully grasp and integrate the idea that we choose our parents before incarnating into this physical plane, in the way which would allow us to learn the best those lessons we intended to learn during this particular lifetime.
Once I understood it completely, or maybe it’d be better to say: once my soul remembered the contract we made before coming to the Earth - everything started to make more sense and the pain and wounds I carry from those primary relationships and all the way from my childhood, gained more meaningful form.
They say we need to understand and accept that our parents are human too and by the quality of being so, they make mistakes too, but not so from the place of cruelty or evilness, but rather from their own past conditioning or simply ‘cause of the ignorance. When we manage to take off the veil of “divinity” and “all-knowingness” we wrapped around our primal caretakers, seeing them since arriving to this time-space reality as the source of ultimate knowledge, love and power - we can start to look at them in a new light. We can see their humanness and the child of light hidden in those adult bodies. We can feel them closer then before and understand better why they did what they did, discovering the new softness that has been applied to our perception of what we previously labeled as “mistakes” and blamed them for.
I agree with all of that and it is the absolute truth that both your and my parents did their very best from their point of view at the particular moment in time, as hard as it sometimes may be to see it that way. It is also true that reaching the place of forgiveness and the liberation from the burden of blame that dims our own magic long after we leave our childhood years and step into the adulthood ourselves sets us free in a beautiful way, there’s a part of the puzzle that can easily pass unnoticed or denied and consequentially keep us imprisoned emotionally, even when on conscious level we feel we forgave everything.
The fact that our parents did the best they knew at the time and should be forgiven for the “missteps” they took DOES NOT MEAN we should negate, bypass or deny the emotional pain and wounds that their well-intentioned, but hurtful behaviour, words and comments inflicted upon us.
How to separate the two? How to tend to our own wounds without falling into the blaming cycle?
I believe we cannot do the two at the same time. If we are trying to heal those broken and dark parts of ourselves and at the same time we are giving away our power through blaming someone else for the state we are in - we are left feeling “uncapable” and powerless to soothe our pain as we passed all the responsibility to those who hurt us in the first place.
It is only through taking our power back and yes - acknowledging the source of the pain or certain behavioural pattern that doesn’t serve our Higher Good, but not passing it the responsibility to “clean the mess”, that we can truly heal those wounds. The work is upon us.
We all have childhood traumas. By “traumas” I don’t mean all of us have been beaten or tortured in violent ways - it could be random comments, words and acts that triggered a traumatic response within our younger selves when we weren’t mature and emotionally experienced enough to process those events in a healthy way.
It is parents’ responsibility to take care of the emotional and psychological wellbeing of a child, but once we reach the adult age - it is upon us to go through the process of forgiveness and letting go and then dive within and find the ways to help that scared, wounded child that still exists inside.
My opinion is that we ALL need to do the work - no exceptions - if we want to be more conscious and aware adults that act out of love and compassion and not out of their very own unhealed childhood traumas. And, let’s be honest, we see lot of that around - lonely and wounded children stuck in adult bodies screaming to be saved and attended to. We have to stay aware and do the work on the individual level and the collective will reflect that in no time as a consequence of our own dedicated inner-work.
I, myself, am on this journey right now even though I thought I was done with it and that I let go and resolved all that was sucking my Life-Force from beneath. The truth is that I understood it all on a rational level and managed to access the place of compassion and understanding for my parents and decisions they took, but I never really looked at my wounds. And they are still there, begging for my attention as it is only me who can and should attend to that terrified, broken little girl that shivers within.