Do you know those days when you wake up feeling like complete shit with no apparent reason and it just gets worse and worse as the day advances?
When it seems that sadness crept in while you were sleeping and covered you with its veil filling you up with tears that you don’t allow yourself to let out because you are afraid. You are afraid that once you start crying you won’t ever be able to stop. You are afraid that you will drawn in that bitter liquid full of withered pains, aches and disappointments.
But most of all, you are afraid that it will initiate the vicious cycle again, and the memories of crawling out of it are still too fresh and vivid that you have no desire at all to go through the process one more time.
wasn’t it enough?
i am tired
leave me alone
go find some other place
to spread your poisonous fumes
i’ve had it enough
and i decided
to give a shot at living
so please go
and leave the window open
so i can get to breathe
It’s one of those days, guys. Well, it’s kind of over, luckily, but it was hard, I have to be honest. Even breathing required too much energy and effort. I tried to ignore it, change my energy with known tools, but today the fog just got too deep into me that I couldn’t spit it out.
I know I still have so much to release. I know that there’s no quick fix and that I don’t even need a fix, I am not broken, only holding onto some pain, identifying myself with it, struggling to let it go as it has been for me for such a long time already that I kind of identifying with it.
But fuck it.
As much as they helped me at the time, antidepressants illude you a bit. It’s like putting a perfume on the smelly and sweaty body after the workout. Perfumes are good. They smell nice. But what when you get adapted and don’t notice the smell anymore?
I am grateful for this day, however. I discovered how much judgement towards myself I am still holding onto. Bursting into tears when pressure peaked, I isolated myself today, ashamed, angry, disgusted with my sadness and pain. “Are you fucking idiot? You’ve been working so hard to be at ease, to be happy, to make the life livable and the air breathable.” Voices full of hatred and self-pity echoing in my ears as someone on the other side of the door was trying to get in, give me a hand and help me by taking on some of the burden I was carrying. Resistant at the beginning, I gave in. And I'm happy I did. At the end, nobody can judge me as much as I judge myself. There is so much shame coming along with depression and I am even a bit ashamed of writing this, of being pathetic and sad and... whatnot. But fuck it.
I will write it and maybe it will give a slight sense of relief to someone passing through the same range of emotions... maybe it will make them feel little less alone and weird.
I believe tomorrow I will feel better, but days like this may (and probably will) come again every now and then and instead of suffering the double amount, I promise myself I’ll make the effort not to judge myself for it, but give opportunity for people who love me to reach out to be and alleviate the heaviness with the warmth of their hearts. (I am lame and corny, I know.)
Good night and até amanhã.