I haven’t been posting in a while, because, honestly, I haven’t been well. I was feeling kind of low and anxious for last couple of weeks and during the last few days it escalated to two really rough panic-attacks that disturbed me so much ‘cause I haven’t having those in quite a long time...
I withdrawn a bit, trying to get myself together again and regain balance. I know that I always put so much pressure on myself and often value my essential worth as a human being due to the amount of things I get done in a day, and even though it may seem like a good characteristic, like “she’s so ambitious and disciplined and whatnot”, it isn’t. Not at all. I have to work hard on this as it tend to activate some pretty hateful parts of myself and gets me into the cycle of self-loathing and feeling like a complete failure.
I want to tap into that place of knowing that I am fine and good enough just by existing, that I don’t have to do anything to be worth of love, attention or valuable in any sense. Getting stuff done and striving to be better is just an extra. I want you to all know that, if you’ve been dealing with similar mind-patterns and emotions.
You are enough just as you are. Just by being and expressing your self in this human form.
Usually when panic-attacks hit me, it means that I am getting myself overwhelmed by planning too much, overobsessing and thinking about the future. And... I have to admit, I’ve been doing a lot of these lately. I have packed schedule and billion assignments and I easily slip into thinking too much about it and getting stressed before even getting myself to work and consequentially reducing the quality of my end results as I am too tense and unable to focus as well as I usually am.
So, I plan. I have to do it to be able to function and not forget stuff, but I try to focus just on one day. Day by day. If it is Monday - what I have to do this Monday? Not thinking about Tuesday and Wednesday and rest... because it overwhelms me and drains me and makes me wanna spend entire month in bed, waiting for less busy and warmer day.
I heard or read somewhere that anxiety, suffering and all this unpleasant stuff come from focusing on past and future - that this moment, the Now, the Present or however you wanna call it, is stress-free. It is peaceful.
So I am trying to live by that....moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day. When I notice my mind escaping into some of its old patterns that are harmful to me, I breathe in and try to gently shift it to the present moment.
Hope you’re all feeling good and working constantly on becoming your better selves!
Lots of love,
Read the first part here.
It was difficult, it was a day-to-day struggle, but slowly and steadily I started to get better. Actually, I started feeling better than I ever felt and with that new gained clarity and confidence started to change some things in my life, clearing out its toxic components, being it people, relationships or behaviours.
At the first glimpse of that freedom from the dark that was my constant companion for years, I thought that it was finally over. Done forever. I thought I was saved. I fought the depression and now I am gonna live happily ever after.
Surely, I’ve never expected that there wouldn’t be any shitty and sad days, but there’s pretty big difference between sadness and not feeling like doing stuff for a day or two and that sticky sense of desperation and lack of energy that accompany depression. I guess that only those who went through it can understand completely what I am trying to say here...
Even though I heard about people having relapses and going back to the bottom, having to fight it all over again - I haven’t given it much thought, tbh. I was feeling too strong and in control over my mind and life to bother about that stuff... I thought that now, that I have all these tools to deal with the depression, nothing can sweep me of my feet again. Relapse is for pussies. And I had enough pain for this lifetime....
That’s what I thought. Until it hit me all over again.
True, it was shorter and I knew better how to deal with it than before, but it doesn’t mean that it was easy. I don’t like to generalize anything and even though there are symptoms of depression that are same for most of the people, I think everyone’s case is different and I don’t feel that I can tell you “you know, depression is this, that and that.” I am not in the place to say that as the only depression I have ever gotten through is my own. I can only share my experiences with it, nothing more.
For years I’ve been fighting it, I was terrified and scared of it, but it took me quite a while to recognize and accept that I was finding a bit of comfort in it as well. We, humans, like the familiar stuff. It is in our nature and it seems that it doesn’t matter whether the experience is painful or joyful - we cling to what we know, because it gives us security and comfort.
Nowadays, I feel like I am living a pretty happy and healthy life. I can tell you that I study what I love, I live in a beautiful place, I am surrounded with people that I love and that love me back...but actually, none of it matters when it comes to depression or the absence of it. Those are all beautiful things and I am grateful for what my life is at the moment, but the key component isn’t in the outside world. It is within. It is the peace, the strength, the acceptance I had to build and find inside myself to be able to see all the blessings in my life. Because without those, I would be blind to see any good stuff that surround me.
But, however high I am flying, I am conscious that lows come now and then. I don’t care about those sad days, but I have to say that occasional relapses that hit me every once in a while still scare the shit out me. I know what I have to do to make myself feel that tiny bit better when it is possible, but it is still so fucking hard and I am still afraid that it will break me down once again. Especially during these cold, winter days.
I am trying to stay present and focus on doing my best to feel fine, but there’s that constant terror lingering in a part of my soul and sometimes I feel like I am not doing stuff because I want to feel a certain way, but because of the fear of feeling the opposite.
I don’t want to be victim of anything and I hate that sometimes I do feel like that. I hate when I can’t be in control of everything that happens inside my body and mind.
I carry on and I do what I can, and sometimes it is simply breathing and being present with that dense grey fog expending through my inner space....
I’ve wanted to open up in this post and share a little bit more of the personal stuff that I’ve been dealing with. Since I haven’t told anyone that I know (other than my boyfriend) about this blog, I feel like I can write some things that I wouldn’t necessary share with people that I know... not because of the fear of being judged, but simply because I wouldn’t feel very comfortable sharing it and being vulnerable with people that don’t mean much to me and, the most important thing maybe - I can’t stand when someone pities me.
So, here it goes...
For the most of my life I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts that would come and go depending on how deep the hole I was in at the time was. It wasn’t a constant thing, more of on/off phases that started as early as I was 12, 13 years old. I didn’t talk about it to anyone, but I used to write poems and express myself through drawings that my mum stumbled upon one day and completely shocked by their content, sent me to see a therapist, afraid that I might harm myself. I don’t know whether that therapist was good or bad, but the fact that I didn’t want to open myself up and let someone take a glimpse of that deep dark pain that was filling me, wasn’t helping.
So it continued... I thought I was just weak and sensitive, that was what everyone used to tell me, however. It got better somewhere around the beginning of high school as I discovered alcohol and effects it has on my body and mind. I was relieved. There was a thing in this world that could drag me out of my mind, that could make a little easier all that weight I was caring around, even if it was just for a couple of hours.
I know that it is sad and pathetic, but that was my salvation at that time. I got through high school relying on distractions that can take me out of my head, as alcohol, weed, shitty people who I thought can give me that love and warmth that I was craving for so much...
However, I knew there was still a problem. I knew that people shouldn’t feel the way I was feeling all the time. Or there was something really wrong with me or I was just too weak, a pussy, I needed to toughen up - as my parents used to tell me often.
I have a big imagination and I have always liked to daydream and fantasize. So, I created my own little fantasy about going to college in another city where suddenly everything will fall into place. I will study design, express myself artistically day by day, meet new people, be in different environment... actually, what I was hoping for was new personality, new head that that new city would somehow give me...
Yeah, right. It didn’t happen.
It got much worse. I reached the point in which I was unable to do anything, spending my days crying or just being numb and purposeless, thinking about the relief that suicide would give me. I didn’t have the courage, though. Maybe I even didn’t want to kill myself and cause pain to people that love me, but I wanted out. I wanted noise to stop. It was too loud and it was driving me crazy.
I quit uni and spent the second semester taking antidepressants, going to therapy and doing only things that make me feel even a slight sense of anything positive and those were running, Italian lessons and thai box classes.
...to be continued in the next post...