Stuff your ears.
Lock the sight to the screen.
Put the guards up.
That’s it - you are ready to go.
I don’t watch news, I don’t read newspapers, I don’t know what the fuck is going on in the world, but I don’t feel guilty or ashamed because of that... Should I?
There are natural disasters, murders, tragedies and wars on the other end of the world, but there are tragedies, murders and suffering in my neighbourhood, as well - and yours, too. I cannot do much about the first ones mentioned, other then send my blessings and love to that faraway place, but there are concrete things I can do when seeing someone struggle in the street of my city.
There are people walking around distracted by their phones, reading news on some new catastrophe happening in a faraway country they’ve never heard of and yet they miss noticing that old lady struggling to carry heavy bags from the grocery store. They lose their precious energy and attention on something they cannot effect and do much about and there are opportunities to serve, help and alleviate human pain at every step, every day. We just don’t want to see. We don’t want to take the responsibility. We say we do, but we don’t. It is too easy to talk, fake compassion and express our disbelief about all that is going on in the world, but can you really be present to the human being sitting next to you? Can you see them as a soul they are and not just as another object standing in your way while you are running to catch the metro?
Notice, stay present, hold that door, give a compliment or even a hug, put into the words the appreciation you feel for a random stranger that just entered the bar... We can help alleviate pain in so many simple, yet powerful ways, and once we start, it has a ripple effect and it expands beyond what our minds can imagine. That old lady you helped cross the street, goes home full of gratitude and joy and pours that emotion in the act of baking his granddson’s favourite cake, who then feels cared about and loved by his grandma and spreads that good, loving feeling around during his day at school, helping his classmate who is going through tough times at home.... and so on and so on. You got it.
Little decisions and at the first sight unimportant acts of kindness we plant throughout the day are so much more powerful that we may think.
I got a wake-up call on this, as well, and it opened my eyes so much.
I am always talking how I want to help, serve, heal, do something to make other human beings feel loved, heard and appreciated... yet I still don’t have a clear vision how I’m gonna do that.
As always, our bro Universe was trying to contact me by sending clear messages on how I can start to be of service on a daily basis, but I was damn good at ignoring them, fighting and resisting.
So, what was happening? Basically, I was losing and/or breaking one pair of earphones after another and after reaching the number 10 (10 pairs of lost/broken earphones in 3 months) - I gave up. I surrendered. You don’t want me to buy another pair and go around deaf to the world? Ok, I got it.
What I realized was that I was ALWAYS with earphones - walking around, sitting in metro, running on the treadmill, waiting for the class,... Literally, ALWAYS. And the thing is half of that time I wasn’t even being present to the music or podcast that was playing in my ears. I was using it as a distraction from my busy thoughts and as a wall that blocked out people around me, so I can be “alone and at peace” at all times.
I saw then clearly why I had to lose 10 fucking pairs of earphones in 3 months.
I wasn’t present.
I was saying I wanted to serve, but I made myself deaf to the cryings for help all around me.
Now I go around and I see, I hear, I notice - I am not some kind of Mother Theresa, but once you decide to go present about your day, you’ll notice 100 little opportunities to ease and bring lightness and joy into someone’s day.
...if you need to read newspapers for one reason or the other, go fucking read them. I don’t care. But don’t do it outside with your fellow human beings begging for your attention and help.
Lots of love,
“I have worn my heart on my sleeve because it is too painful to carry it inside my chest.
When I carry it on my sleeve, it has the freedom to exist, to beat in rhythm with the Universe.
I feel like I'm more alive and yes, there are those who out of curiosity will say or do things that can cause its delicate existence to feel pain and sorrow.
I would rather deal with that, than to put it back in its little cage where it knows nothing else but the rhythm of my body and my Ego.
My heart was never meant to be part of my Ego.
My heart was meant to experience the Soul.”
There was a certain period in my life, somewhere around the end of the elementary school, that I got this desire to study psychology and become a clinical psychologist. I have already tasted a fair amounts of pain by that time and was eager to help others and give them a hand through their tough times.
I remember bumping into my old English teacher that we always considered crazy and unstable and her asking me whether I decided what would I study after the highschool. When I said “psychology”, she got visibly worried: “Oh, Maja, that is not for you. You are like me”, she said and I felt like I just received a punch in my stomach, hating even the possibility that I have something in common with that obviously mentally unstable woman, “we process everything through our hearts. Our hearts are wide open and it is beautiful and hard and very painful. Respect yourself, honey, choose something else.”
Needless to say, I didn’t take seriously her advice, but neither did I study psychology - which I don’t regret, mostly because the way they teach it in my country doesn’t resonate with me at all.
However, for one reason or the other, I remembered what she said. I guess I remembered it because there was a big chunk of truth within her words and somewhere beneath my pride, I knew it. My heart was wide open for a long time. Soon enough I learned that that is not a way to live in this cold, mindless, unconscious world. I hurt a lot, I felt everything too much and I closed my heart. I did it consciously and willingly, I believe. I decided I’d become cold and untouchable, nobody will ever hurt me again, nobody will ever again see my vulnerable insides. I will train myself out of my sensitivity, out of my authentic, childlike, curious and creative self, because it is too hard to cope with the everyday life while being that open. I will use various substances to kill each and every last bit of that part of me that feels, that trusts, that loves, that is vulnerable, open and light.
Guess what happened?
I felt safer, stronger, almost invincible at the beginning and at the same time the pain inside of me as the consequence of being inauthentic grew and grew. I got more and more depressed, got on medication, therapy, all that stuff... got kind of better, but... My heart stayed closed and fearful for a few more years. Actually, I feel that I let it open again, moved to the sides the heavy curtains that were blocking the light form coming in, only this past summer.
It is easy to get used to the life with a closed heart and forget what it feels like to be open, how much more magic reaches us, how much more joy, curiosity and excitement we feel, but their opposites as well.
Living with an open heart is an act of courage. It is the most beautiful and the scariest thing of all. Naturally, when we feel pain, betrayal, disloyalty or dishonesty, we tend to close our hearts, block the emotion from coming in, protect ourselves from the suffering, when what we should do is the opposite - keep our hearts open, feel that emotion, embrace it, be present with it and let it pass. Don’t close your hearts. No matter what. Stay present, feel what asks to be felt, and open it a bit more. ‘Cause there is no pain as the one that comes when we live with our hearts closed and that pain is the most subtle and the quietest one of all, sucking away our joy, enthusiasm and compassion, emptying us without us even being aware of it.
I’m writing this both for you and for myself, as during the last week I felt the greatest gifts of being open, I felt so much love, pleasure, connection and compassion - and I felt the other end of the spectrum as well, that showed up so quickly and unexpectedly, filling me up with bitterness, sadness and resentment towards the person that hurt me with their words. However, when I became aware of what was happening inside of me, I took a step back and made a decision to choose again. I decided to breathe deeply, cry it all out and then fill my heart with love, compassion and understanding - both for myself and the other person that wronged me, as they themselves must be in great amount of pain for acting the way they acted. I opened my heart a bit more, filled it with light and warmth and send blessings to the other person, hoping that my decision to stay open and receive their pain with compassion and understanding will somehow serve them and help them heal their hearts as well.
Love you. Stay open, friends.
If you know me, you’d know that I speak several foreign languages and I can learn and memorize new words, phrases and syntagms with quite ease. I finished highschool program that had emphasis on languages and did my Bachelor Degree in Italian and Portuguese Language and Literature.
I hear quite a lot “oh, you are so good at languages! you have such a talent for words!”
Well, let me tell you that I don’t think that is true at all.
I was exposed to English since I was 3 years old as my parents enrolled me in kindergarden that taught English from an early age, but I sucked at it for a looong time.
Early on drawing was more my thing and when I started to go to school I was really good at maths and science stuff, not thinking much about words and languages and all of that. But, then I discovered books, and liberating feeling they gave me as they allow me to fly away, leave the reality I wasn’t quite satisfied and entertained with and discover so much of the world, psychology, human nature and language. I guess that’s how I first developed sensibility for words, subtle nuances in phrases, rhythm and figures, construction of the sentences - I read and read and read and then I started to write as I felt I found a tool for expressing myself that I didn’t own before.
Being a sensitive child with rich and turbulent inner life, it was so releasing to finally be able to put down my feelings and opinions, express them through words, let them be seen and exposed to others - as I’ve never felt quite comfortable talking.
And you can just imagine what kind of excitement overflew me as I realized that I am not only limited to the words of my native language, but that there are so many amazing languages out there, with words and terms that don’t have an equivalent in my own! So much more space for expression! So much more opportunity to shape and form who I want to be!
I saw languages as some kind of outfit, uniform, or even mask - by switching the language I am speaking in I can become a new person, a new version of myself. And when I get bored with one version, when I feel like I used certain words too many times, when I feel as they have become too heavy with emotion and additional meanings, I know it is time to go for the next language.
I guess it is quite difficult to explain and even more so for you to understand, but I strongly believe foreign languages saved me in some way. Try to think of it this way. We all speak our mother tongue and not just that - how we form and pronounce words is very specific and depends on our origins and part of the country we live in. We speak that specific version of our mother tongue from the very early age and it marks us, it gives tone to our thoughts, it gives rhythm and colour to our words. It becomes a vessel for the content that is our opinions, feelings, thoughts etc. When we switch the vessel, content doesn’t intrinsically change, but we can get a new perspective on it. We may see new patterns and colors that we weren’t able to see before - we get deeper insight into our psyche and more profound way to understand all aspects of ourselves.
Further on, every language has its own energy and contrary to the popular opinion that we should learn the most spoken languages or those that would be useful for our career, I believe we should choose to study languages that we feel drawn to - because there is a reason we are drawn to them and even though we may not know that reason right now and rationally don’t even fancy the language so much - the reason will reveal itself when the time comes.
Besides English, the first foreign language I studied was French. I remember like yesterday me as a 10 year-old arguing with my parents as I wanted to choose French instead of German in school and them saying how German is more useful and this and that and finally winning the battle and starting to study French in small group of 4 classmates.
I fell in love with it so much and it led me to some beautiful French poetry that was pillow for my soul during many melancholic nights through school days. Then Italian happened, which I was really resistant to at the beginning, but with time the purpose of me getting fluent in Italian revealed itself and I found it so magical. I find it so magical and unexplainable what each language I dive into brought to my life and it continues to amaze me. I won’t be getting into all the miracles that came through me immersing myself in a language because this post will turn into a book, but those who know me know very well about all of that. The last language I was mysteriously drawn to was Portuguese and what can I say - I live and study in Portugal now, I found my soulmate in a Portuguese man and I feel at home in this country as I never felt before in Croatia.
I am excited about the next language I am about to dive into and what different worlds it will reveal to me. I feel it will be some Scandinavian language but I am still waiting for the exact direction and message about which language it should be, which language my soul craves to speak in during the next phase of my life.
Stay well, my friends.
Lots of love,
They told us that time heals all wounds but I think it’s bullshit.
As much as it is a soothing thing to hear and an easy and sweet one to believe in - it gives us hope, it allows us to relax and find patience in the midst of a painful situation, it is also a dangerous trap we may fall into and never get back out of it again.
The thing is, although pain, trauma or any other kind of event that hurt us and caused some kind of emotional damage will pass and transform in just a vague, less-vague or even inexistent memory (if we are really good at suppressing) of our conscious mind, the hurt part of us will not just magically heal itself without proper care and attention - healing is a process that needs to be DONE, whether while the wound is still hot and bloody or later on, depending on a situation. However, it can not be done just by waiting, pushing emotions aside day by day hoping that one morning it will hurt less and we will not remember it as vividly as at the very beginning.
Our subconscious mind stores everything. Everything. Every tiny bit of every situation you’ve ever been into. You may not consciously remember the traumatic event you have been through, but your body does, emotions that haven’t been felt and expressed live inside your body, imprisoned, getting stronger and more uncomfortable every moment and trying desperately to get out. How do they do that? In every possible way they can think of and they do it so damn smoothly that most of the times you won’t be able to pinpoint that they are the root of your self-sabotaging behaviour patterns, drinking problem, lashing out at family members, agressivity, food addiction, codependent relationships etc. etc.
They are there and they want and need to be released. I know that it can be incredibly torturous and painful to go back, analyse the past and feel all the emotions we didn’t allow ourselves to feel at the time - but it is crucial. You have to reach the roots of it to pull it all out, but how you’ll do that is entirely up to you. Some prefer do it in therapy, some through yoga, various holistic practices, writing, meditation... there are countless ways to trigger the healing process of our shadow side, but the first step is always the willingness to face the dark and stop illuding ourselves that it’ll all miracously evaporate with time... cause it won’t.
Stay brave. Love you all,
feed me with clouds
let them soak up the taste
of today lingering between
the pores of my hands
(i should have waited for
put the glasses down
i don’t wanna be seen
never today is bitter
somewhat like the
aftertaste of your touch
and space that stays after
fill it with clouds
and leave the window open
afterwards so I can
feed myself to
What if all these tears were
just signs on the road,
guidelines to that
place you've been dreaming of
since the very first
ounce of air filled up
What if you were never supposed
to bury them down,
but instead release their
flow so they can cleanse out
all that the world put
inside of you, but never
belonged to you
in the first place?
What if you give in into the
process of healing,
with calm expectation of peace
that will follow once all the
demons are out
and there's nothing more left
The real You - the one you were looking for all along,
but being afraid to meet at the same time.
Last week I visited my hometown in Croatia to spend some time with my family during Eastern holidays.
As always, I made a conscious decision to do everything within my power to stay calm, grounded, not skip on my self-care practices and don’t get triggered by petty stuff that thrive in family environments. And, as always, I was completely unsuccessful in all of that.
However, I am grateful and I am not beating myself up for it. It is what it is and how it should be. When you think you are completely healed and nothing can get to you and mess your inner peace, just go spend some time with your family.
Few years ago I would have been asking “why? why that family? why that town? why all those painful experiences?’, but knowing what I know today - it is all so perfectly aligned with my mission and purpose on this Earth. As much as I get triggered by certain people in my family - they are there and behaving in that way in order for me to open my eyes for the parts that still need healing and care. I can hate my hometown, its sluggish, dirty energy, all the memories condensed in its streets and benches that I would rather forget - but my soul had a reason why it chose that channel to come into this time-space reality. That doesn’t mean I should stay there forever - I moved away as soon as I could, but rather that the years I spent there were serving me, all the pain that town, its people and energy caused me was for a reason. They cracked me up so I can dive into the deepest and darkest parts of myself, learn something and bring that knowledge and wisdom to the others and help them and light up their path to the Truth of who they really are.
I feel as every time I go there, I pass through this intense emotional cleanse that peels me layer by layer - it hurts, I cried a fucking LOT this time around, but I feel released. I feel I needed it. Illusions stepped up for what they are and I am more ready than ever to accept the truth and stop masking it. Stop licking the sugar-coat that I spilled all over the pain to cover it, to make myself feel more normal, less pathetic, more “as I should be”.
The thing I did this time and was soooo damn releasing and liberating, was throwing away all the photos I had on my wall from my teenage days. I have (had) all of the walls in my room covered with photographs, quotes, random words and phrases I was adding during the years, each one connected to some situation and event I went through during my adolescence years. As much as it may seem like a beautiful reminder of the past, a nice way to travel through time and remember stuff I started to forget - it was causing me lot of anxiety and pressure, without me even being completely aware of it.
Those were photos of me with friends, parties, birthdays, trips, travels...smiling, happy, young, wonderful... whatever. It was none of that. You see me smiling and at first glance you’d think I was happy in that particular situation, but I know the story and exact emotion behind every and each one of those photos. I remember how I felt that and that day, how self-conscious I was, how much I cried and cut myself before covering my face and arms with all that make up, hiding myself behind the mask and drinking ‘till I forgot who was the person behind the mask. I can see through my forced smile and grimaces, I can see insecurity, I can see pain, I can see self-loathing, feeding and basing my self-worth upon the number of guys I hooked up with on that particular night.
I took it all off and it felt so good.
I know we cannot delete or disown our past - I don’t hate it, I accepted it and I am infintely grateful for all the beautiful opportunities for growth it gave me. But I don’t wanna be attached to it no more. I don’t wanna try to represent it for something it never was.
You have all the answers, my friends. Just listen.