Healing is a messy, dirty and painful process, but it doesn’t need to last as long as we make it last.
So, why does it?
Why do we keep on going back to our old wounds, talking them over, forgiving who needs to be forgiven and still, after all of that, we end up feeling like shit and those wounds continue to get triggered?
Because we do it through the mind and we are not even aware of it.
There’s no judgement here, because I have done it for years, as well, without even understanding what was really going on. As a society, we are so resistant to feeling and so attached and identified with our intellectual understanding of the world that we think that we can solve the emotional trauma with the same tool with which we solve mathematical equations.
If you tried, you know it doesn’t work, because the pain remains. Maybe it is a bit less sharp, once you revisited painful events from your past and understood that your alcoholic uncle used to beat you because he was struggling himself, or that that kid who stole your lunch money everyday at school was insecure and jealous of your grades, or that your mother was never able to love you how you wanted and needed to be loved ‘cause she didn’t love herself, so there was no extra love to give around… You may understand all those things on the intellectual level and feel some kind of relief when doing so… but it doesn’t really do much on the emotional level.
Our emotional bodies do not function the same way our brain does. You may have already discovered that just because something happened 5 or 10 or 15 years ago, when you revisit the wound it still hurts, it still hold the energetic charge, if you didn’t do the work and healed it.
Time by itself doesn’t heal. Time doesn’t really exists outside our minds that are programmed to organise reality in linear fashion, and therefore all the past events and the ways they made you feel are as present in your energy field as are those happening in the present. You don’t even need to have a conscious memory of what it was that caused certain emotional response, but that emotion, if not properly processed, still lives in your energy field and influences your vibration and consequentially - your ability to attract good things into your life.
If you have unresolved trust issues with your mom, per example, who was the principal female figure in the first stages of your life, you will keep on seeing women who you cannot trust in your life and get disappointed with female friendships all over again and finally deciding that you just get better on with boys, even though the reality is somewhat different. (Story I’ve been telling myself for years.)
So, if you still feel all that pain inside of you and are losing patience and hope, wondering what are you doing wrong, searching for another tool, method or book that may teach you how to forgive, how to overcome depression, how to… whatever. Stop thinking, please. You are going in circles and not making it easier for yourself. It is a great first step to gather the information and understand why of so and so, it calms your mind a bit, but your emotional body doesn’t understand shit of it. Your emotional body still may be stuck at 5 years old you who equals abandonment with death and there’s no ‘logical’ way to explain it that that is not what will happen.
See your emotional body as a garden and things that keep you imprisoned and in pain as weeds that grew over time and are sucking life out of healthy plants. You can research and understand why do weeds grow and it can bring you some relief as you figure out that it happens often and is not something so terrifying and scandalous. However, just you understanding it, it doesn’t make the weeds automatically disappear from the garden. You’ll have to go in and pull them out yourself and shed a tear or two, maybe sweat a little, maybe bleed some more… That is the only way.
I love you so much.
Now go and feel what needs to be felt.
A close friend of mine is going through some extremely dark times and I feel this huge necessity and desire to help her, even more so ‘cause I’ve been down there and know what it’s like.
What surprised me, though, is that my automatic reaction, words and tools I run to in order to try to help her were exactly those that, from my personal experience, being even more damage and pain to someone experiencing a depressive episode. I was shocked at how easy it is to forget and then started to wonder how difficult it must be to someone who never went through depression themselves to offer appropriate help to a struggling friend or family member.
In all of our eagerness to help we often bring even more pain to a suffering one that consequentially provokes even more closing and further isolation, shame and sinking. I remember that I’d often feel so discouraged and worse than prior to the person coming to me with the intentions of helping and I’d think to myself: “Can they just fucking Google ‘What not to say to someone who is depressed?’”
So, I am writing my version of it. It may not resonate 100% with every single person facing depression, but I believe most of the principal things are universal. Here it goes.
What NOT TO say to someone going through depression
My dad always uses the Croatian version of it and it makes me want to slit my throat even when I am not legit depressed, even though I know it is absolutely true and it seems to many people like a great thing to say when someone is swimming in those dark waters.
You may think it might bring them hope and make them see a bigger picture - it will not. It’ll do exactly the opposite.
First: you are not discovering anything new and ground-breaking to a person, they heard the phrase before and would prefer not to be reminded of it.
Second: they do know it is true, they do know that it is one of the Universal Laws and that what goes up, must come down, and then up again… and this makes them feel even worse, because they have been down and down and down for days, weeks and months. So, now they are not only failing themselves and people around them, they are also failing the very Laws of Existence. How hope-inducing do you think that realisation is?
2) “Everyone has their own struggles.” (and stuff like “Many people went through depression and came out to the other side. Look at xyz…”)
I understand the intention behind this - again, it is to awake the hope in healing and also to try to make the person feel less alone. However, it doesn’t feel good really on the emotional level.
People who struggle with depression are often ones who for very long time suppressed their emotions and pushed away the reflector from themselves onto another. Now, when they are finally seen in their authentic emotional expression of the moment… you gotta make them feel seen and authentic and keep that flashlight right on them.
It doesn’t matter who else got through it. Make it about them and them only. Honour their pain for what it is. Make them feel special and unique in their suffering, however fucked up it may sound.
There are years and years of unacknowledged emotion inside of them, so help them savour it. Bring the focus together on the particular aspects of their pain body and examine it thoroughly. We are so conditioned to shy away (shy is not enough of a word, we RUN AWAY like fucking maniacs) from any dark and unpleasant feeling state, but that is not the way those states go away. We need to look at them and illuminate them with the light of our consciousness.
The more awareness we bring to them, the faster they will stop giving us hard time, ‘cause they will get integrated.
3) “Look what a wonderful day it is! Doesn’t it just make you feel so much gratitude for LIFE??”
No. It doesn’t. The person wants to die in order to make the pain go away and you are trying to make them appreciate LIFE just because the sun happens to be shining brightly on the sky. Seriously?
When you are depressed, every day is torture and chances are life itself is your greatest enemy, together with people who are overly stoked about it. When someone tries to lift you up so abruptly to their vibrational point which is centuries away from your low state of being - it feels extremely painful, because it reminds you how enormous is that “gap” between where you are and where you ‘should be’ to be considered a healthy, ‘normal-functioning’ human. It brings up lots of guilt that leads to even darker mood, self-judgement and shame and all of those are favourite treats for depression and make it stick around for longer.
Again - good intentions, disastrous outcomes.
Ok, so we got over few things NOT TO tell someone going through depression, but what to say or do then to make them feel loved, supported and seen in their suffering?
One word: presence.
Complete, full, unconditional, undivided presence. Presence that doesn’t ask anything in return, but simply is. It doesn’t have to be for 5 hours at the time, it can be 15-20 minutes, but it is crucial to be present with the person’s state with no intention whatsoever of trying to change it. It will change when the time is right and you are not there to influence that. Instead, take their hand and let them walk you through the museum of their hurts, look at each piece and give them your presence while they are getting to know their darkest insides, very likely for the first time in their life.
The only way out is through.
And if you really, truly want to help, keep that in mind at all times.
Lots of love,
#depression #anxiety #recovery #bipolardisorder #therapy #healing #darknightofthesoul
That fog that sets in
and takes hold of your lungs
That sudden density
grabbing your wrists
that you are so determined
to avoid and push down
that makes you
reach out for another cigarette
drag yourself to the fridge
in search of a short-lived relief,
to fill another glass
and each gap of silence
in order to outvoice
its heart-pinching hum -
It’s in that feeling that your power lies.
It’s within that feeling that your salvation resides.
just for once,
let it spread freely
throughout your bones
just for once,
let it speak up and express
what it wants to express
just for this time,
let it take hold of every cell of your body
and surrender bravely
to whatever might arise -
Let it make you scream in terror
and squeeze your heart
in its despair-soaked grip;
Let it show you the array of fears
that you’ve been carrying around,
wondering why everything’s so hard;
Let it show you where you’re keeping small
Running headlessly in circles around the fire
too horrified of getting burned
in order to reclaim your power.
That feeling, my friends,
That uneasiness at the pit of your stomach
That burning that needs to be walked through
but you are avoiding to do it -
It is the only thing that keeps you enslaved.
#poetry #darknightofthesoul #discomfort #shadowwork #addiction #self-discovery #spirituality
There is a lot to process in this human experience and only so much that our conscious mind can hold at the time.
That’s why we are wired to form beliefs about each event that enters our reality and to label it as ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘neutral’ or else, so that every next time we encounter it, the energy expenditure to process and react to the event will be drastically smaller as it will come from a program installed in our subconscious mind at the moment we were first met with a certain phenomenon.
From one side, it is a very useful mode of operating, but from another it can be detrimental if our beliefs and meanings we assigned to things are not in alignment with who we want to be and where we want to go. We may spend so much time, energy and effort pushing in one direction, trying to manifest something our conscious mind fully wants and dreams of, but because of those subconscious limiting beliefs - we are failing over and over again and seem to be stuck forever.
Well, before we attack those subconscious limiting beliefs and start blaming all members of our closer and wider family for filling up our heads with so much bullshit from an early age - let’s understand that those beliefs have just one goal in mind: to keep us safe, to allow us to survive. They might be doing it all wrong, but that’s their ‘intention’, so to say. If you have a belief that rich people are bad, superficial and dishonest (even if you are not completely aware of that particular belief), of course you’d prevent yourself from earning the money you want and deserve, because there’s part of you that thinks that becoming rich will bring those characteristics to you and then you will be judged by your friends and family members the same way you judge rich people now, which means you will be excluded from the tribe and left alone, which means - death. At the base of every fear is the fear of death. As ridiculous as it looks at the first glance, you may easily confirm that once you dive into your shadowy halls and start dismantling those fearful beliefs.
Now, as I said, we have beliefs about everything and anything and sometimes it takes large amounts of self-awareness and self-honesty to bring those to light in order to reevaluate them, see if they really serve us and, if not, replace them with a belief that is in better alignment with our Higher Self. (Seems simple and quick to do when put this way, but it takes quite some practice and repetition until the mind is reprogrammed. However, it is worth the effort.)
We also have beliefs about the emotions. Belief creates automatic emotional reaction to an event, which would mean that we have emotions about the emotions. Think about it for a moment. Per example, when you feel jealous of someone and then there comes that guilt glued to it, because you have a belief that jealousy is bad and unholy. So, instead of feeling just jealousy - you get 2 for 1! Jealousy and guilt together - what a treat! In this case, however, you have two emotions of lower frequency which makes it somewhat ‘easier’ to digest. The same is when you have two emotions of the higher frequency coming in pair, per example you feel courageous about the new adventure you are about to embark on and proud of your courage, because you were taught it is a noble and highly valued characteristic.
The ‘problem’ occurs when we have one emotion of higher frequency with undertone of a lower frequency emotion, or viceversa. It is not ‘a problem' per se, but it may be an obstacle when we want (or think we want to) attain certain emotional state, but that underlying emotion (which has its source in a limited belief and meaning we gave to the principal emotion somewhere in our past) kind of trips us up.
I have that thing going on and I became aware of it only few years ago while I was talking to my psychiatrist, telling her how things are great and I feel so happy, inspired, excited, but at the same time - anxious and terrified as fuck. “Why are you afraid?” she asked. “Because I cannot feel this good. The higher I go, the lower I will fall afterwards. When there is so much good stuff happening to me, it means I’ll pay a damn expensive price very soon.”
I don’t think I was even aware of what I was saying at the time. I knew it was ridiculous and I probably laughed it off (“he he, I am so silly”) and we decided that I’d just enjoy it while it lasted and when darker times came again, we’d deal with them.
Needless to say, that ‘decision’ didn’t change a thing, and the underlying fear, that sensation of ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ everytime things go really well for me remained, never allowing me to fully experience happiness, joy and excitement without the muddy waters of feeling unsafe, unstable and in danger.
On the other end, pain, feeling down and being sad felt comfy and safe. I was saying to everyone, myself included, that I want to feel better and more joyful, but on subconscious level that wasn’t true. If happiness and joy are unsafety, anxiety and living in the state of constant waiting for the shit to happen, and sadness and self-pity are warm, safe, ‘there’s nowhere down from here’, peaceful and familiar - of course my brain wants me to feel safe!
Remember: unsafety means danger, danger means possibility of death. Here we go again - death. It all comes to it. And how would I (or you, if you identified yourself in this story) allow myself to be happy if 95% of my brain connects happiness with death?
You see how it works. Be aware, friends. Do not rush headlessly in the direction of your so-called goals, fuelled by cheap, short-lasting motivation given to you from someone whose set of beliefs is nothing like yours. It takes hell lot of energy, gives you flaky results and leaves you frustrated at the end of it all.
Observe and question your thoughts, peel those layers, get to the roots. Choose lovingly which plants have to be removed from the garden of your mind and which you will plant at their place instead.
Awareness always comes first.
You are your greatest teacher and mentor. And the bigger the ability to be honest with yourself, the bigger the power you have to reprogram anything that doesn’t align you with your Highest Vision and the highest potential of yourself you came here to embody.
#limitingbeliefs #subconsciousmind #healing #deprogramming #shadowwork #lawofattraction #mindpower
If it’s true that we are all piece of God that has within all the information, all the wisdom and all the guidance that we may possible need while walking this Earthly path - why and do we even need spiritual teachers, gurus, books and podcasts? Can they teach us something new that we already don’t know?
The answer is: No.
But let’s tackle one at the time. We don’t NEED spiritual teachers in a sense that they’d bring forth some new information that we already don’t know. There is no NEW information. When we resonate with a teaching, it feels good and familiar (!) to our soul, not because it is intellectually correct, but because it stroke a cord of recognition within us. It activated a dormant source of knowledge that already exists in our being. We grow fond of a particular teacher or guru because they reflect the brilliance and wisdom that exists in us as well, yet they have that confidence and firmness in the Truth of their teachings that they can step up and spread the information, embody it in a way that feels good to those who support the teachings as it solidifies their adherence to a certain viewpoint or vision of a Truth.
Notice that I am saying ‘a Truth’ and not ‘the Truth’, because there are millions of truths, all equally valid, all equally true and untrue. So, instead of fighting and trying to prove your point to anyone holding a different belief system, accept that they cannot simply switch perspectives and find resonance with your Truth just as you cannot do the same with what’s Truth for them. When you forcefully try to impose any Truth, whether it is upon yourself or someone else and it feels tight and constricting in your chest area - just drop it. It doesn’t serve anyone. The moment ‘a supposed Truth’ creates a closing sensation in the body, it means it is no longer true. We can feel right away whether something is true or untrue for us and the best way to honour that gift is to stay constantly aware of the sensations and walk away from whatever feels limiting and constricting. Truth feels expansive. Opening. Light.
So, we don’t really need spiritual teachers, especially not in the manner we usually seek them, which is from the energetic setpoint of powerlessness and victimhood, expecting they’d save us and give us some divine medicine for our suffering. Many who look for guidance in another human being with the expectation of being saved and miraculously healed without doing their part of the work, end up disappointed, resentful and hating the person as they didn’t live up to their expectations. This is because the change happens from the inside out - and yes - spiritual teachers, gurus and healers can be of great help in the sense they would trigger the light of remembrance of our own innate power, pointing us to those shadowy places where we stored our wisdom long time ago, so we can reopen it and use what’s within to cure and heal ourselves. We do the work, they give us a map. Do we need a map? We could probably find our way to our destination sooner or later, but it would definitely take much more time and effort. However, giving the map is not same as walking the road and that’s what we often dismiss and then blame teachers for the inefficiency of their methods. Can you feel the flavour of the cake by eating the recipe? No. You have to make the cake. You have to walk the road. Choose whichever map you want, but walk it. Or go without a map. But walk it. The worst you can do is to accumulate the maps and complain they are flawed and useless before even lifting your butt off the couch.
Walk the road.
Do we need spiritual teachers? Yes.
If we are to be completely honest, by the time of puberty, most of us is already fairly disconnected from our inner truth and guidance system and operates from deeply ingrained subconscious programming and the saddest part of it all is - we are in larger part, if not absolutely, unaware of it.
All of the answers and wisdom reside within us, but we cannot cultivate enough silence and stillness to gain access to them. And that is where teachings, books and podcasts come in, which again are not solution and salvation in itself, but a key to unlocking the treasure chest resting in the structure of our own cells. It may take time to find a key that works with our doors and, more probably, we’ll notice that we need more different keys and some that worked perfectly well yesterday, today no longer fit at all… It is all good. It is all part of the process. Just remember that even though you used someone else’s keys to unlock the chest of your internal wisdom - that wisdom is yours.
You have the knowledge.
You have the power.
There’s no shame in seeking reminders externally - that’s why we are here all together, to support and help each other. However, do not give your power away, not even for a split second. Do not wait that someone else saves you. They cannot do it.
Only you can.
I love you.
#spiritualteachers #meditation #gurus #spiritualteachings #enlightenment #newage #heartcentered #empowerment
I am the treasure I’ve been seeking
nightflies I’ve tried to grasp for
rainbows which flavour I missed
in vain attemps to save them for later
I am the warmth of the sunrays
reflected in the gaze of another;
the sparkle of the sand
filtered through the fingers
swallowed by the hollow of
as the eyes were busy
by an unfocused wander
I am the love I’ve been craving
the peace and understanding
the emptiness I proclaimed eternal
proved to be none other
than my own resistance
to the Truth of
Oh, the places I went
and sugary words I devoured!
touches that left my skin aching
even worse than before
all in the need
of that soothing embrace
that never was supposed to come
from any outer space
I am the treasure I’ve been seeking
light at the end of the tunnel
words I’ve been needing
and so foolishly
searched in the voice of another.