I was feeling so damn good for the past seven days, so aligned and tapped in... Been doing all the stuff I wanted to be doing, doing them while being 100% present, not having many thoughts and overanalysing that tend to happen a lot in my head... I was so high, so good, so excited about life, thinking to myself “oh my, this is it! I am finally free!” I even thought of abruptly quitting my antidepressants, ‘cause I was so strongly convinced I “hacked” it - I reached that point of rising above the suffering, above the attachment to the ego-self and tasting that constant connection with my higher true, spiritual self.
...and then Monday came.
Woke up suuuuper early (even for my standards), with a headache, jumped on a yoga mat, did my Ashtanga yoga practice followed up by meditation, EFT tapping, gone to the gym... I’ve done it all, you guys, But something ws still very off. Momentum kicked in during the night and I shed into pieces for two long days.
Lots of pain, unhealed parts, all of it got to the surface. I automatically thought of taking a pill that my therapist prescribed to me to “chill down” when feeling about to have total nervous breakdown and then go to the faculty as I don’t like to miss classes if I “don’t have to”. But, I didn’t. I didn’t take the pill.
The thing is - that what I’ve been doing all my life. Some emotions try to get out of my body, release themselves and as that process is not so pleasurable to put it in mild terms, I would run to something that’ll numb me put and “resolve” the problem, at least it would seem that way at the first glance.
Actually, what I’d do was simply pushing all down, suppressing it - and it’d catch up with me later every single time and usually in even more painful form.
So, I stayed at home crying all that shit out. I feel dehydrated and exhausted but more peaceful as well. I believe this was an important day on my journey and I cried out some long forgotten moments that were keeping me imprisoned and unfree.
It’s not always all rainbows and butterflies and it does no good to anyone forcing feeling good, if that’s not on Universe’s to do list for the day.
I could have maybe raised my vibration in some way (p.e. taking the pill) and shy away from experiencing all the shit that called for my attention, but, honestly, I don’t believe that’s always the best way as much as I am all for positivity and reprogramming our minds and belief systems in order to reaching higher frequency and better quality of our life experience as the consequence of that.
Just surrender, my friends. Trust the process. Give into pain and feel it, as it can teach us so much. Flow with it and discover all the hidden gems that it holds for us.
Lots of love,
Since I was a child, I remember those questions coming to me, seemingly out of nowhere and unrelated to anything that was happening around me...
Why am I - I?
How it is to be someone else?
There was something that was bothering me about those questions, but I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. I’d watch myself in the mirror and repeat: “you see, that is you! THAT is you!”...but I couldn’t recognize that girl in the mirror as me, I couldn’t even recognize my voice as mine... It sounded so alien and strange. I was witnessing all of it - but still, it definitely didn’t feel like me.
I remember having every now and then this strange experiences that I couldn’t quite well explain to others nor I was willing to, because they’d think I’m losing my mind... I’d feel those moments of expansion, like my consciousness is rising above me and entering other pairs of eyes, other perspectives... I’d clearly see from others’ point of view, not merely visually, but emotions, beings, essence... It was as if someone had given me 10 pairs of glasses that each one of them distort and filter “reality” in their own unique way, and I’d be switching them fast, gaining this vaster perspective of situation.
Those experiences wouldn’t last long, I guess 20-30 seconds, but they were always intense and often leaving me scared and ungrounded - it’d feel as my sense of individuality is somehow shattered. Like there is no real “me” - like I am holding onto some artificially produced plastic glasses that have my name written on them so I somehow started to believe that they are me - that I am them.
It is really hard to put into the words those occurrences... but the reason I remembered them now is because I’ve been on this spiritual journey- learning, opening and shedding the layers of what I believed I am. Many spiritual books talk about Oneness, about all of us being part of the same - like drops of an ocean. We are not separate entities, but part of the one - the same energy expressed in different physical forms. Always when I read on that topic, I feel this deep, deep peace and understanding - like a very firm kind of inner knowing.
And now I remembered why and I can finally get an explanation to all of those strange things I was experiencing while I was younger.
It was that soul-sweet sense of Oneness, of belonging to God, to Universe... the fear of losing the carefully constructed image that aour Ego holds of ourselves and merging into the Source, feeling the vibration and infinite circulation of the divine energy and that undeniable connection to all there is.
Lots of love,
we’ve been looking for you
under the blankets of this heavy sky
just to tell you
how amazing the touch of your
breath against my skill feels
i am merging with the background
of the unseparated stories
cloth of souls bounded together
in the unity that
is but that.
I was listening to one of the recent episodes of Andy Frisella’s podcast today and there was one phrase that particularly struck me and resonated in that deep, truthful way:
“First you do, then you learn”.
It seems like a paradox and it goes contrary to everything we have been taught through our uprising and education, but guys - it is so fucking true and you and me both know that. How many years of education we waste to learn, to prepare for something in the future, yet that future comes and we are completely unprepared to face the real world, real life, real responsibilities.
We accumulate knowledge and information without being put in concrete life situations and therefore ignorant of how to actualize that knowledge and apply it, transform it into act and real skill and not just useless, idle piece of information.
They say “jump before you are ready”, “you will never be ready, so start now” and other stuff, but for some reason the very same thing expressed in different words finally really got to me and inspired me to continue trying and being brave - continue doing what I don’t know, facing new approaches, new challenges, don’t afraid to be wrong, to make shitty work. The important thing is to show up - show up before we are ready to do so and gain skills and experience throughout the way, by showing up constantly.
And when we really focus on that, on action, on acting instead of being in forever “prep mode for life”, our fearful inside critic also gets a bit calmer, becomes just humming noise in the background while our dedication and courage take the main seat of our lives.
Love you as always,
If you are anything like me, you find enormous amount of pleasure in planning, organizing and controlling. It may seem like a good quality and it surely is - to a certain degree. But, when/if you become victim of your own rigid rules and structures it can block the natural flow of things and cause some energy stagnation , blockages and lack of excitement on daily basis.
I think that’s what happened to me recently. I know when I am in allowing state, on high vibration, attracting good people, experiences and states into my life. I know it by reoccurring synchronicities and “miracles” that simply pour into my reality when I open my heart and let go of that constant need to control and figure out every single thing.
I don’t say that you shouldn’t plan your days and goals and have your shit “under control” (whatever it really means). What I am saying is that we, as humans, have the ability to see just a tiny fragment of all there is and therefore some of our goals, desires and aspirations may seem impossible.
We drain ourselves by asking “how” and trying to find a logical way to reach our destination when we should only and exclusively focus on “what” and “why” that hides beneath it.
Universe/Source/God is the one who knows how and will arrange the craziest synchronicities, events and connections to bring into our lives what our heart and soul desires and what will be of greatest service on our path.
So, my message to you and a reminder to myself is...
Things are always working out for you.
Let go of the need to control and figure out every single thing and simply send your desires to the Higher Power and stay in the open and receptive state while that that you most want (or need for your maximum expansion and growth) is coming your way.
And if you don’t get what you (think you) want, believe it is for your long-term best and that there is an intelligence far greater than us ruling this Universe.
Stay open, soulfriends.
Put down those scissors
they are no more sharper than your thoughts
and you cannot silence them down
with few red lines on your arms
What are you hoping to find there anyway?
You think there’s a beauty hidden somewhere
underneath your dry blue skin?
and that you can watch the pain flow away
together with your blood
reach the release
you so desperately want?
It’s been too long, it’s been too loud.
But, listen to me and leave those scissors.
Bury them deep at the bottom
of your childhood memories box
that doesn’t mean you have to grow up
pillow can soothe your aches
and listen to your struggles.
Change the sheets afterwards
if you need.
But please, don’t touch the scissors.