Life has been feeling like a treadmill lately
With the speed constantly increasing
I am keeping the pace
Moving my legs accordingly to
Feeling them becoming
heavier and heavier
Getting out of breath
Hot and sweaty
Trying to push that minus button
But it is stuck and the speed seems
to go up
(Or I am just losing the ability
to keep up with it?)
Stumbling over my own feet
Creased with cramps
Swollen and red bending over the
of my wronged perception
and exhaustion blurred vision
Can someone please stop it??
Can i walk for a bit?
Just a little, I promise....
These days it is getting too hard.
and I am too tired
I am closing my eyes just for a short
moment, but long enough
to fall from the treadmill;
for the damn machine to spit me out
disgusted by my weakness
staring angrily at me with its
blinking red eyes
doesn’t want me anymore
“You are too weak, Maja.
Grow some balls.
Stop being such a drama queen
It is not easy to anyone
Why you always need to be special?”
I catch up with my breath
and jump back on the treadmill
I am giving my best not to fall down again
Giving my best not to disappoint
Giving my fucking best to make a functional,
invisible part of it all
My lungs are burning
Veins stretching pulses and neck
Chest growing tighter
I don’t know what this is all about
and it might be the shittiest
but, oh Lord,
Life has been feeling like a treadmill lately.
I’ve been struggling for years with Seasonal Affected Disorder or so-called “winter blues” and as I much as I plan to avoid it every single winter by preparing and organizing all tactics and strategies, I’ve never avoided it completely and each winter (with this one being no exception to the rule), I’ve been falling into long low-energy and fatigued moods, with no motivation and will to do everyday stuff.
I can be disciplined with myself and during all this years battling with mental health problems I developed a few tools for handling my mood swings and keeping them from completely ruining my life, but even after pushing myself to be productive, to meditate, to create, to go for a workout - I would finish my day crying in bed, already resentful for having to go through all of it tomorrow. I am just tired, leave me in bed till spring, please.
Today, however, I think I might have found the best cure for all of it.
And what is it?
Forgiveness and acceptance. I can forgive so many people, but I am so harsh with myself and I believe that is the case with lots of people. I felt like doing nothing this morning, and even though I planned workout and this and that, I just said fuck it and with no guilt returned to bed and read until lunch time when I got out for a walk with my parents.
What is so revolutionary in this? you might be wondering.
Well, for me it is. On some days I might stay in bed and do the same but filled up with guilt and self-loathing, so that instead of getting that so needed rest I would just be more tired at the end of the day. This time I let go off all of my expectations, duties, “shoulds” and just gave in into resting for a morning and...
Nothing happened. No one died. No one was angry with me nor screamed at me.
Life goes on and I am feeling calmer and refreshed by this newly discovered sense of acceptance and allowing myself to go with the flow instead of pushing constantly, running after “shoulds” that I learned along the way and feeling resentful, tired and at the edge of a nervous breakdown most of the time.
Guys, please be compassionate with yourselves. You need it. Forgive yourselves for being imperfect and provide yourselves with love and acceptance at all times, but especially when you fail to reach your high standards and crazy expectations.
Lots of love,
On the soul level we all “choose” our problems, difficulties, struggles and pains.
It is a hard realization and many people are not ready to accept it .
“Why would i choose to have a cancer?”;
“I surely didn’t choose the father that beat me and tortured me all the way throughout my childhood”.
You didn’t decide it on the conscious level by using your mind, but your soul attracted that exact experience in order to facilitate and give you the opportunity for you maximum expansion and growth. As soon as your realize this, accept it and start to act accordingly, you’ll find a new and empowering way to look at your difficulties. Instead of feeling like a victim, like being constantly followed by a dark grey cloud of suffering and pain, you can take a step back and ask “Why did my soul choose this situation/relationship/event? What hidden gem is there that I can learn from, grow, become stronger, wiser, more compassionate and better human being?”
It is not something that happens in a day and instantly, it is a long process and we have to be consistent and dedicated if we want to shift our perception and use our struggles the best possible way. Taking on the role of the victim of our life circumstances is often more comfortable and easier and the pity of others can be soothing. However, don’t you prefer to feel empowered, strong, inspired and motivated? Don’t you want to experience that beautiful sense of relief and freedom that comes with shifting our perceptions and looking things from the different angle, digging beneath the surface?
I encourage you to try out this process. Write down about the struggles you’re going through and ask your Inner Guide why is it so, why are you passing through the certain situation and what there is to learn in order to allow you to grow and blossom from it.
Take care and stay tuned to your inner voice.
Every time I think of leaves falling over the edge
of this trembling mountain
i see the warmth and
hear the birds of depths floating
inside my running lungs
like a rhythmic pulse of the waves.
I try to sweep away the beat of the silence
trembling together with the ground beneath me,
therefore - standing still.
No moving, my legs knotted into trees,
growing their roots far for the air
to touch the sky
and the stars
but the direction is the opposite.
Try again later.
Move me into the cave! I wanna go to the cave!!
It is warm
its the place with no razor blade sharp strings from the clouds.
Take me to the fucking cave.
Withered under the sun with heart
and screaming a
nd fighting for the last view of the stars.
Or was it the first?
breaking down the petals
and watching them fall
to reach the core
to reach the beginning
the juice that penetrates everything;
they say it’ll gonna rain
but clouds are no longer
within my sight
as i step into your arms
while i’m breaking down
in order to open those petals
to blossom like a storm
that’s been pretending
to be the sea
the foggy smoke that dances around
i can be the sea, i am the air
but right now
i am falling into ground
and growing as i am
in front of your very legs
that like roots
guide me to the core
to the beginnings and
who are you? have i
seen you before?
i must have met
you in some past life
otherwise how could
you crack me up
let me spill over your
wide spread palms
and hold the pieces
for i can remember
how to put it back
this time around
it will be with my eyes closed
and my ears covered
as nothing real
from that side
of the skin.
The word that I’ve been planning to tattoo on my wrist for awhile already is the word ease.
Definitely not because it is something that I am succeeding at daily, but because it is the state and the feeling I am striving towards.
I think the first time I heard the concept of “living in ease”, “flowing with ease” or simply “giving into ease” was in one of the Abraham Hicks’ talks. This concept resonated so deeply with me, because all I’ve ever known was the contrary. Life is pain, struggle, blood, sweat, tears. No pain no gain. If you want to succeed and be happy you have to suffer certain amount of time.
These are the messages that are programmed into our minds since the very early age, but what Abraham says is that it is upon us to choose HOW we want to reach our goals - with ease or through struggle and resistance. Everything comes down to our belief systems.
If we believe that we have to be sleep deprived and working 20 hours a day for years before reaching our career and financial goals - that is exactly what will happen. On the other side, if we believe everything flows to us easily (attention! that doesn’t mean we don’t have to put in the work and just lay down on the couch) that is exactly what will happen. It is not about working and taking action or sitting on the beach waiting for the things to come to us - it is about, yes, giving our best, putting in the work and effort but doing it from the place of ease and flow, letting go of the resistance and creating in alignment with our Higher Selves.
I’ve been practicing this concept as much as I can, even though I slip more often than not. The little trick I learned just recently is putting myself in the right state before doing the certain thing. Let me explain. We have to do something we REALLY don’t want to do - it can be a creative task, just something that needs to get done, workout, whatever. So, we have three options:
1) procrastinate and don’t do it and end up feeling even more stressed out and guilty;
2) push ourselves into doing it but doing so filled up with resistance and low vibe feelings;
3) changing our emotional/mental state beforehand so that we tackle the task from different vibrational state.
The last one is what I am talking about - it has been a real game-changer for me since I realized it. Maybe you think you don’t have time to do things that will raise your vibration before crushing your to-do list, but trust me - working 1 hour from the place of ease and flow will bring sooo much better results than working 3 hours tensed up and resistant.
If we feel we need to workout, but not feeling like that and dragging ourselves to gym while hating the world and anyone who invented exercise there is a high probability we will fuck up some of our joints, slip in the shower or drop a dumbbell on our feet. Carrying that low-vibe around just to get it done does more harm than good, in my opinion. Yes, you may feel a bit better ‘cause of endorphine release after the workout but nothing compared to if you put yourself in the right mindset beforehand.
Is it watching motivational videos before hitting the gym? Putting on your cute gym gear and instantly feeling ready to kick some ass? I don’t know what is your thing, but you should definitely find it out as it will make your life so much easier.
In my life, the area I personally am very careful when diving into is my creative work. If I go into it stressed out, straight after coming home after a long ass day - I would just make shit, have noise and mess in my head, not do anything nearly good and start to hate myself, doubt my abilities as an artist, doubt my value as a human, want to quit art, want to quit life and so on. You know the drill.
BUT if I put on some healing music, take a shower, make a short meditation to ground myself, clean my mind and reconnect with the Flow - I am able to produce much better, ideas flow more easily to me and my focus is less distracted by that little hateful self-critic all creatives are struggling with.
Sooo...I feel like I wrote so much and don’t know whether I transmitted well my thoughts - but however - be aware of your mental/emotional state before tackling any task! It is important, guys! It is more important than the actual execution of the thing because the quality of execution depends on the vibration you carry with you when diving into the task.
Take care and lots of love,
Recognize that the other person is you.
Each and every person we encounter on our path holds a lesson for us, brings us some kind of message that we consciously or subconsciously receive and which determines and influences the shape of our trajectory in this lifetime.
I’ve heard this idea many times and so did you, I‘m sure, but I recently heard a phrase related to this concept that struck me very hard and as much as I tried to immediately forget it, label it as bullshit and push it out my head, I couldn’t. Something about that sentence terrified me in that way that things we intuitively know to be true terrify us.
What was the phrase? It went something like this:
“Other person is no more than embodied aspect of yourself.”
Furthermore, tuning into your emotional response to a certain person, you can identify which aspects of yourself need healing or need to be look upon. In that sense, others exist solely as a mirror through which you can reach higher comprehension of your own self.
Fuck...I felt it really hard and after hearing it I couldn’t help but start noticing my emotional responses to certain people. Disgust, anger, sense of superiority or inferiority... Diving into the emotion brought me to some very dark places, revealing exactly what the phrase said. I learned that characteristics or behaviours of a person that irritates me, annoys me or fills me up with aggression and hatred are no more than indicators of the unhealed parts of my soul - my brain in one way or another linked their characteristics/behaviours to something within myself that I didn’t resolve, place that needed to be looked at and healed, hidden shelters of self hatred that poisoned me without me even noticing....
It is a definitely a very powerful process and if applied diligently and regularly while giving yourself time to go through each awaken point of you “pain body” and providing it with love and presence it craves, it can create miracles in your growth and spiritual journey.
What being aware of your automatic reactions to others and further questioning and seeking for the root of the emotional response really does is shining the reflector upon the Ego, revealing its hidden and nasty ways to keep us stuck in limited mindset and sense of separation.
Guys, we truly are one. You are aspect of myself, I am aspect of yourself. I know that it is hard to grasp on that idea, but try it out - journal at the end of the day noticing all more intense emotional responses that people in your surroundings evoked within you. What are they? What pictures you see when diving into the emotion? Where do they lead you?
Make a soul searching your priority, get to know yourself, explore each and every tiny part as by doing so you are exploring and gaining knowledge and insights about the Universe as a whole, as we carry scaled down Universes within us.
I believe that the whole purpose is just that - flowing with ease through this lifetime and posing questions when faced with unease in order to grow, expand and gain new perspectives and understandings.
it is cold down here
and no amount of your words
can take away
this sinking feeling
(thank you for trying,
i'd appreciate it if i remembered
how does it feel like
echoes in my head
and i numb it
with the artificial colors they gave me
and here we are all over again.
tell me what's the lesson
guide me to the source
of this crashing river
before i get carried too far away
before i give up
trying to keep my head
above the surface.