As much as I like to consider myself to be free of society and otherwise imposed expectations, I find myself over and over again immersed in some kind of shamey-guilty feeling of not living a life “that I should live” as a young person, 23 years old, living far away from family and having all this freedom at my fingertips.
The thing is, I partied and drunk and did lot of stupid things while in highschool and once reaching the legal age to be able to do all of those things I just kind of got sick of it and outgrew it. Honestly, I don’t think it was EVER really my kind of thing, but I blended in, acted in the way I believed was expected of me for that age and on the other hand, found shelter and comfort in endless blurry nights filled up with alcohol and other substances and trying to avoid facing some deeper issues that, don’t worry, caught up with me later on and kicked my ass for ignoring them for such a long time.
But, what I was saying... I don’t think that partying and drinking and being all crazy yolo live for the night is intrinsically bad or childish... it is just not my jam. I don’t find pleasure in it. Music is too loud, alcohol makes me sick, I have to be in the bed by 11 in order to wake up at 6 and do my sacred morning routine and start the day nicely and productively... Or simply put: I live a granny lifestyle and I adore it.
Sooo, what’s the problem and why am I even writing this post?, you may be wondering.
The problem is that I repeatedly feel some kind of shame and guilt when talking about how I spend my days to friends or parents, I freeze a bit when hearing a question “what did you do saturday night?” (I slept, ofc - what else should you do during night??) and I feel kind of boring and annoying to people when refusing for 1000th time to go out partying even though I know I’d regret it if I accept and would be very boring company, probably falling asleep at some empty bar table while listening my guided meditation on earphones.
I am happy with the way I am living, I do it according to my values and priorities, I am growing constantly, enjoying and learning so many stuff - I am not ashamed of making my own rules and living my life on my own terms, but... why this sense of guilt sometimes creeps in? Why I cannot let go of other people’s expectations? Are they ingrained so deeply in me that I cannot reach their roots and spit them out? Or is it just FOMO and fear that I am doing it wrong and missing something obvious everyone else sees?
Think about your lifestyle and choices you make and try to find the “why” beneath it - are your choices consequences of your values and priorities or are you living your life merely adhering to the expectations of your community and surrounding?
Lots of love,
I believe all of us struggle with decision-making from time to time, being it simple day-to-day life decisions or big stuff that have the power to radically change the direction of our lives. We are afraid to take the leap, to make the decision, however small or big it is, because what if something better comes up and we already chose or what if we are making a wrong decision and would later look back and repent ourselves... We go to our friends, co-workers, family, therapist searching the approval for making the decision or looking for an advice and even though there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with those actions, they are useful only and uniquely in a sense that they can reveal to us the “right decision” that we already know. Because, the things is: we always now. Deep within our inner space, underneath all the racing thoughts and our obsessions with logical explanations for every and each step we take - there’s a knowing that is never wrong. If we go to a friend to help us with making a decision and after hearing their opinion we feel relief - that’s the sign we’re on the right path.
Guys, we all DO know. We just forget how to trust ourselves, sometimes we forget how to hear our inner knowing whispering to us because we are surrounded with so much fucking noise, voices running one on top of the other - which of those are my thoughts? which are theirs? is this my authentic behaviour or something I picked up along the way to help me blend in?
It can get rough, I know. But I want to remind you and above all - I want to remind myself - that all the possible answers already lie within us and the only thing there’s to do is to silence down, tune in, spend some time alone without distractions and make the space for the answers to come up to the surface.
There were many little-big decision during this week I was so certain about but afraid to act upon because of the possible disapproval of others, even though everything was very clear and I knew what I needed in the moment to best serve and soothe myself.
After saying “fuck it” and just doing the things my way, following the gut-feeling, I found myself in front of wonderful and unexpected new revelations and experiences that Universe sent me as a confirmation that I am on the “right way”, that there is a way of ease and flow and it is not hard to find, it is very close to us at all times, we just need to tune into it and have faith and courage to trust it and give in to it.
Hope you learned some valuable soul lessons this week as well <3
Lots of love,
wetness between my legs
leads me to those
by rays of light
deep in the dark
you cannot come here
i am afraid
of coming here
show me the way
to the place
of the rushing leaves
i wanna see snows covering the sun
while it is melting
icy drops on my
push me off the edge
i am just wandering
searching the meadow
in the middle
I am so tired of being strong. My lungs are full of sticky wishes that can’t seem to decide whether they want to get out in the daylight or continue to hide within me. Let me crawl into your wide arms and release the control, teach me how to surrender as my body started to break down from all the pressure it’s been under for such a long time. I pushed so hard, I’ve been so strong only to feel this weak. My legs hurt, my insides ache, every breath burns my throat and lungs and exhaustion is complete. Is that how it feels to be dying?
I don’t mind dying. I just don’t wanna be weak. I just don’t wanna live half-life, ordinary life, average life...normal life. My dreams are too big for this small body so sometimes it breaks down unable to cope with all of it.
I just wanna feel better. I just wanna have strength to do things again, to feel the sun and rain and to challenge myself and grow. To spread love, give kisses, receive hugs and aliviate pain of this planet.
Gonna close my eyes now... Gonna wait for your loving response.
Thank you, my biggest fan.
We’ve all heard stories about people being told as young children by their art teachers or relatives or whoever, that their drawings suck and who, traumatized by those harsh comments, never gained courage to try again and simply accepted that creativity and artistic expression is “not their jam” and that they should better stay far from it.
Childhood trauma goes deep down and is extremely hard to get to its roots once we reached the adult age and switch those limiting self-beliefs on whichever topic, not only creativity. However, is the rejection of our creative expression at such a young and vulnerable stage of our lives the one and only thing that creates blockages in the creative flow of the individual? Have all the creatives who lost their way to the Flow been traumatized when they were 5 years old?
I’ll tell you about my story with art and creativity and struggles I’ve been through until I finally managed to find firm, peaceful and joyful ground from which I can create and actually enjoy the process.
I was good at drawing and artsy stuff since very young age and always got lot of praise for that. I internalized it and took it as part of myself, a base of my self-worth - it was something that was helping me with my self-esteem and if at any time I’d feel like getting into self doubt or feeling “lacking” in any sense - I’d create something, show to someone and feed on that praise and admiration - filling up my tank of self-love again.
To make it clear straigth away - that is really unhealthy dynamic that caused me lot of self-esteem issues later on.
After highschool, I got into university to study design and the first negative comments on my work appeared. Well, that was expected and probably helpful and healthy for the development of my skills, but for the place I was at at the time, where all of my self-worth was coming from other people’s appreciation of my work - it was lethal. I got very soon very depressed and finished in therapy, but that’s another story.
I believe the biggest problem we have with our creative expression is that we see it as part of ourselves, which isn’t true. It’s more of an extension, it’s Source flowing through us and using our human bodies to manifest itself in physical form. We shouldn’t take nor praise nor critique personally, because they have nothing to do with us as such. If we manage to put ourselves out of our creative endeavors, see them just from the outside, as a spectator, unattached and neutral, it gives us a new freedom and more space to grow as artists and spiritual beings, ‘cause we can appreciate the divine energy that has been channeled through us instead of seeing us as creators and feeding our Egos even more with positive feedback. And trust me, nothing made through Ego’s filter could ever be that good and magical as something produced through free flow of Universal Energy when we manage to remove all of the Ego’s barriers.
Forget your relationship with creativity up until now and try to just let go, experience the flow without preconceived ideas and just continue to create. Don’t look back. It is all about the process, it is all about that high we get when we are creating from a peaceful and aligned place.
Lots of love,
It is your thoughts alone that cause you pain. Nothing external to your mind can hurt or injure you in any way. There is no cause beyond yourself that can reach down and bring oppression. No one but yourself affects you. There is nothing in the world that has the power to make you ill or sad, or weak or frail. But it is you who have the power to dominate all things you see by merely recognizing what you are. As you perceive the harmlessness in them, they will accept your holy will as theirs. And what was seen as fearful now becomes a source of innocence and holiness.
There is this raw, painful, hurting part of me resting somewhere underneath my bones that every now and then gets triggered and rushes upwards, breaking the surface of skin, evolving me with its black, dense fumes, not allowing me to see things around me as they are and burning with its poisonous flames everyone who comes near me.
It awoke yesterday. I was up from 3am extremely anxious and ready for a fight - with who? Doesn’t matter, whoever comes near me or try to reach out to me. Words flowing out of my mouth were not mine, I was shocked how filled up with anger and resentment they were, I was conscious they are not coming from “me” but from some very broken part that took over my body at the time, but nevertheless - others don’t know that and it doesn’t frees me of the responsibility for the damage those words made. I hurt so many people in one of my “evil phases” or however you want to call it... There is so much unreleased pain that I cannot reach but, all the same, it breaks free from time to time and makes me extremely reactive, makes me hurt so much, puts me in that place of unbearable pain and self-pity that I just can’t hold it and vomit out evil and destroying words to loving beings around me, who are trying to reach under that unleashed beast, who are trying to bring me back to reason... but it is hard. I am not sure that they can win against it. Everything they say or try to do is destined to failure, I don’t let them win and pull me out of that dark place. IT doesn’t let them.
More often than not I fall into the victim place in those situations, blaming my pain-body, blaming all the shit I went through - as it is not my fault I am completely off the hook at times. But it is, maybe not “fault”, but surely it is my responsibility how I treat others in those moments. The least thing I can do is get away, take a walk alone, go for a good cry, have a scream in the pillow... whatever. Let it come out and leave my body before entering social situations. I wanna be more aware of it waking up in order to be able to take all necessary precautions and not just ignore it until its at full blast and makes me go into that extremely reactive place, spitting fire at everything around.
Stay aware, friends. Bring light and love to those unhealed places within you, but remember that even though they are inside of you they do not make an integral part of your soul and you can free yourself from them once and forever and take some valuable lessons along the way, as well.
Lots of love,
she said she liked rainbows
until they told her their name
she used to feel the rain
until they told her what it was made
of all the things
so magical and divine
that filled her huge eyes
the dust merely
it wouldn’t be this deep
the holes in her heart,
the oceans in her
and withered roses
floating just below the surface
to disappear started,
haven’t been called by their name
for so long
forgot what they are made
of rainbows highly above
outside of reach of
It has been almost 5 months that I moved to Portugal and I absolutely love it and enjoy all the magic of living in a foreign country and in the city I feel in love with the first time I stepped my foot in it. However, there are some little, tiny things that I don’t like, that get on my nerves on daily basis, accumulate and drive me crazy. Or simply - testing me. Pulling me for the sleeve saying - hey, here is the lesson for you! Here is the place you need to work upon and improve!
I’ve never been a patient person. I kind of take pride in that, because I am able to get things done in half the time most people are able to and if I get an idea or call to do something there is no much time dedicated to analysis, I start immediately, lead by that burning fire of inspiration, taking advantage of it while it is still at its strongest.
Seeing from that point of view, my impatient and rushy personality often helped me achieve amazing things and react rapidly, but all the same caused me many nervous breakdowns, tears and anxiety.
Being in Portugal, which is somewhat like my home country, but much worse in terms of bad organization and everyone being extremely late - I am tested every day.
When something is supposed to start at 9, no one comes ‘till 9.40 and they they go for a smoke, and then they go for a coffee, and then we wait the rest of the people to come and then... ad infinitum. Our classes always start super late compared to when they are supposed to start according to schedule and it drives me crazy because I am kind of unable to come late anywhere and all this waiting and wasted time at the very beginning of the day have the capacity to completely ruin my nerves and make me feel shitty and anxious for the rest of the day.
Obviously, I am usually blaming all those people who are late, system, professors who tolerate that, professors who are late as well etc. But really, even though “blame” is theirs, it doesn’t really serve me doing so.
I believe that every thing that can push our buttons to that level calls us to take a look at parts of ourselves that need some upgrading to be done and that can be healed in order to make our lives flow with more ease and simply feel better.
I’ve been refusing to learn patience for so long, taking pride in my reactive and fast-paced personality, but there are certain qualities and lessons to be learned from patience as well and I believe Universe is offering me a way to heal that segment of myself on daily basis now and maybe I should try to embrace it instead of resisting it and becoming angry bitch every damn morning while waiting for people to show up...
Maybe I should just breathe deeply and dedicate myself on learning the patience, embrace the moment as it is, let go of my rigid approach to time-management for a while and see if I can get some valuable lessons from the way Portuguese people treat time...
There is a lesson in everything. The question is just whether we are willing to see it for what it is or continue pushing our ways, blindly holding for what we knew our whole lives.
Stay alert for Universe’s clues. Every situation holds amazing opportunities to growth and development.
Somewhat before the end of 2017 I found myself with a tiny piece of paper that I saved inside my wallet long time ago, titled “NY’s Resolutions 2017”. Reading through the list I was astonished by the fact that I accomplished or got to experience almost everything I wrote down, as surreal and impossible some of the stuff seemed while I was writing them down one year ago. I traveled, volunteered at yoga and meditation place in southern Portugal, got my bachelor degree, went study abroad, reconnected with my creativity, fell in love like never before and much more... Successful year, you might say. But... was it?
I definitely feel grateful to all the people, circumstances and Universal energy that allowed me to get all of my wishes true. I also feel immensely proud of myself as I know how much work I put into this year to meet some of the goals I set to myself.
However, as much as the reality was suggesting me I should feel really happy and accomplished because almost everything is checked off my NY Resolutions list, there was something wrong, something missing, something we don’t talk about year after year...
Why do we make New Year’s Resolutions Lists in the first place? Ok, it is obvious: we want to accomplish more, grow, learn, create new habits, get rid of old ones that don’t serve us anymore etc...
As with anything else in our lives - we do it because we believe (on conscious or subconscious level) that it will make us feel good, happy, in peace... that just that one goal, one relationship, new house, finished marathon or whatever else you might be longing to achieve - that that one thing would bring us into the emotional state we want to be into. We believe that crossing off items off our resolutions lists will magically transform us into the person we dream of being and make us feel more at ease and in sync with everything around ourselves.
Don’t get me wrong, it might happen in part, every new experience and risk we take changes us, shapes us, allows us to learn new lessons and therefore grow if we decide to embrace and implement the knowledge we gathered along the way...
But from personal experience, together with dopamine hit, surprise and pride I felt as I realized I accomplished almost all crazy goals I set up to myself, there was also a slight sense of emptiness and... disappointment, I’d dare to say.
Like “that is it? That is how it feels to get it all done?”. I guess I was expecting fireworks, unicorns and something of a kind... or I was expecting that if I were to accomplish all those things I would somehow completely change, I would automatically get to that place of ease and tranquilitythat I’ve been dreaming of for so long...
I don’t want to say that resolutions are bad, that setting goals for ourselves is wrong... it is certainly useful if it motivates you and gives you clarity about the areas in which you’d like to experience the most growth throughout the year. My NY Resolutions List for this year is long, big and bold, sitting firmly in my diary and waiting to be turned into reality.
However, other that resolutions I think we should also set intentions for the new year that lays ahead of us. Something that cannot simply be crossed off the list, but should be practiced over and over again, turning into habit, gradually improving the quality of our life and relationships, something that we can fail at on some days, but stand up again and continue with practice. I believe only this kind of reoccurring actions can bring us into the emotional and spiritual space we want to be in - and from that space we can appreciate and celebrate all the other accomplishments and goals.
Take a moment and think about your intentions for this year. Write it down and hold it close to you so you can reread it every time you feel like you are losing direction or falling out of the alignment with your Higher Self.
Here is my list.
Intentions for 2018
-be more present
-be a better listener
-call myself back when I fall into the place of fear and try to see the situation from the place of love
-be compassionate with myself and others
-when falling into judgment, get aware and choose again
-choose love, over and over again
-be light and spontaneous
-stay firm but detached from my opinion and decisions, leaving the space for Source to guide me
-surrender to the Universal intelligence
-give up on struggle and trust the natural flow
-get back into the place of alignment as many times as necessary